A
male
age
36-40,
*akey22
writes:I recently realized how bad my temper can be. I have a very short fuse and I blow up. I came to realize this when I scared the girl I wanted to propose to, the love of my life. I didn't harm her in any way, or touch her in any aggressive way. I was just very vocal and I can be intimidating with my words. I had to tell a few guys trying to get involved to back off. This isn't me, this is the first time I've ever had this kind of blow up. The next day she told me in a message not to contact her in any way ever again or come to her house or she would call the police. I respect this and I have not tried anything of any sort. She loves me and I know she does. She was wonderful to me and she told me how much she loved me all the time. A buddy of mine over heard her say that "She ended something good" to his girlfriend who is her friend. She also texted him "I'm going to miss him" the very next day. I love her so much and I am a complete mess of stress and worry. I will do anything it takes to get her back, but I don't know where to begin. I'm going to see a counselor about my temper and I am going to fix it for her. I don't ever want to do that to her again, I feel so ashamed for scaring her like I did. I will spend the rest of my life making it up to her if I could just get that chance.I guess my question is, how do I get her back?I am afraid to wait, but I know she needs to cool off, but she made it pretty clear she didn't want to see or talk to me again. How can I show and prove to her I mean it?How do I get her to talk to me again? Do I even have a chance?Should I just give up and try to move on? I really don't want to, but it feels hopeless. I've prayed very hard for an answer, but I have yet to see one. Please help me,The Ashamed Guy
View related questions:
move on, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, enjoimx +, writes (29 March 2009):
 You say you "did this to yourself"
I disagree...the blame game is pointless. Dont blame yourself. Your behavior in this relationship was natural. The anger was a sign that you two were not compatible. It sucks that you verbally released your anger instead of rationalizing the feelings, owning the feelings, but whatever. Your not a bad person. She obviously wants to be with her ex more than you...too bad she lead you on for so long. You dont need or want a girl who doesnt want you back.
Good luck
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (25 March 2009):
If she was in a vulnerable state and he was an arsehole, then it's no wonder that he was able to shark back in there.
I just hope that she has the strength to use him as rebound and then when his true colours come out, she'll leave him too.
Then she can find a balanced stable guy to be with. Hopefully by that time, that will be you.
Good Luck!! xx
...............................
A
male
reader, jakey22 +, writes (25 March 2009):
jakey22 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Well she got back with her ex... I guess that's my answer.
I never saw that coming and have never felt that kind of hurt before, nothing compares. I've had other loves, but she was the one that really got me.
He came running back to her and she took him in. Even after all the horrible things he said to her and all the things she told me. She ended it with him a long time ago and now she is back with him. I'm very confused, I don't see it working out with them. From everything she told me and the ups and downs they had, I don't see it. I'm hurt. I'm sad. This sucks...
I did it to myself though, but I now realize it was never going to work out. I still love her more than the world, but I have to move on with my life. I wish her the best life can offer.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2009): She left a verbally abusive partner, I don't know if you get help if she'll go back to you. She got the strength to leave you and it properly be hard for her to trust you back in her life again. Just go to that counselor and that show her you want to change, but if she dosen't want you back then at least you won't do it in the next relatioship.
...............................
A
female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (13 March 2009):
 One thing that I did notice just in the past year or two, is that men who gets "vocal" (just borrowing your phrase her) at their g/f or wife or partner, often do it at work too. They continue to do it because at home, their girlfriend/wife/partner let them get away with it. And their friends/parents/colleagues too. Hence the problem continues (because they did not see it as a problem per se).
So, like female anom says, break the cycle now. There is nothing wrong in going to a therapist if your intentions are to improve yourself.
Your g/f will hear from her concerned friends about your sincere efforts, and she will contact you again in time.
Cat
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2009): I am married to someone like this now. The anger(never hit me)just pushes me away more and more each day. I did break up with him before we got married after a HUGE fight on the phone. While I was on the phone, he asked me to look on top of his bureau, and there it was, an engagement ring. Of course, if it wasn't for this ring I would not be married to this man. A man that I did love, but all i feel is emptiness inside.
He is also very insecure, which is part of the anger. So if I go out with friends it is always an issue. Leave her be...do not contact her...go to anger management and once you do that and get your anger under control, there could be hope for a relationship. Break the cycle.
...............................
A
male
reader, jakey22 +, writes (13 March 2009):
jakey22 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would never tell her that I was going to propose. I think that would make me look like I am manipulating her and that is not at all what I want! I don't want to push her away or guilt trip her in any way.
I have an appointment for Monday to see a counselor, but she doesn't know. I told my best friend, whom she talks to and trusts, maybe she will hear it through the grapevine.
I also wrote her a letter and gave it to him to give to her when he felt was the right time and she was ready to see it.
I love her more than anything and I would never hit her or cause her physical harm of any sort. I just become very vocal when I lose my temper and until this horrific night, I've always steamed off to think alone. That night I wouldn't leave, I wouldn't let her leave and I was yelling at her for no good reason.
I hope I can get through to her some how and show her I know what I did wrong and that I will never allow it to happen again.
I need her in my life, she is wonderful and I messed up.
...............................
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (13 March 2009):
It's guys like you that prove there is hope out there. You sound great. You know you have a problem and you know you are going to fix it.
So that's the first thing sorted. You aren't here saying "she over reacted, it's not like I would ACTUALLY hit her."
Anger management and counselling is good. It's all about learning to stop the feelings before they get going as once you get in a rage, it's impossible to snap out of it.
Give her space for a week or two and then write her a letter. Post it so she knows that you haven't come near her.
She is being smart and if she'd come on here asking what to do after you acted like that we'd have all advised her to dump you and do exactly what she did. There are so many women out there who get hit by their partners, it's never worth the risk of staying.
Tell her that you are getting help and give her the name and number of the person you are seeing as proof.
Explain that you respect her and will stay away if she asks but just tell her you love her, that you are getting help, and that you do not want to be that person and want to change.
Tell her that if, after the anger management course, she wants to see you again then you would be really really happy.
Don't put on any pressure, don't offer any excuses, just apologise, explain that you KNOW you did bad and are trying to change.
DO NOT tell her that you were going to propose as then she'll feel that if she takes you back, she's half agreed that it's going to be serious and forever. That is off the table now and you are back to square one. She has to know that if she gives you another chance, that is all it is, a chance. She needs to feel protected and safe.
Good Luck!! xx
...............................
A
male
reader, jakey22 +, writes (13 March 2009):
jakey22 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't see why fixing an issue that I have for someone I care deeply for and who cares for me is a bad thing?
Sure I want to fix it for myself, but I want to fix it for her as well. I want to show her what she means to me because I never was really able to show her what she truely means to me before this.
...............................
A
male
reader, enjoimx +, writes (13 March 2009):
The problem here is that your trying to fix your anger for the wrong person! Why would you want to fix it for her? Fix it for YOURSELF. Because projecting anger out of your soul will only hurt YOU.
You are living in fear, not in love. You said you are afraid to wait too long...why? Because if you wait she might move on? YUP thats right, she will move on. She already is trying. She has made up her mind.
So now you can either let her move on, fix your anger for yourself so you wont do that to anyone else ever again...OR you could try all sorts of shenanigans to get her back....and all that will accomplish is you losing self respect, dignity, it will push her even farther away, and your heart will continually get crushed every subsequent time she rejects you !
You have to move on. I know it hurts im going through it now too...i made the mistake of calling begging for her back....didnt work. I lost self respect, pushed her further away, and got my heart broken AGAIN. Why continue this cycle man?
Good luck
...............................
|
