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anonymous
writes:My father died last October and I'm feeling quite upset and regretful for not having enjoyed my life more for him to see while he was alive. He was a beautiful, lovely man and died at 60, well before his time. I am 32 and although I know he was proud of my many achievements, my degree, my PhD, and of my caring nature, I have didn't move forward as quickly as I could have with my life, especially with my love life and career. I am not married and don't have children. I have had a very uncertain on-off relationship for five years with an admittedly lovely girl, whose values and standards and dreams for the future match my own but who can be bossy and insensitive and to be honest I don't believe I have really, truly fallen in love with her, despite how close we are. If I'm honest I suppose I cling to her, like clinging to a rock in the rapids.I would have loved my children to have a grandad and I would have loved him to have known my children. Perhaps I have held back so long for fear of upsetting anyone, and haven't truly learned to be comfortable with what I want and my own enjoyment.I know I can only start from where I am and go forward - as Dad said, "Keep moving forward with your plans." One thing I'm sure of is that he loved me regardless of my level of happiness and didn't expect anything from me but I know he just wanted me to be happy. Does anyone have any advice for how I can step out of the cycle of regret I seem to have been in for so long? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Pork Hock  +, writes (5 May 2007):
Hi, thought about you a lot and what you're thinking. There is no golden time when grief is over, people told me that it was 2 years whatever...it doesn't matter. Why should you learn not to value or remember someone special after a specific time? It is ok to remember someone 50 years on from them dying. You keep them alive by valuing what you learnt from them, things they used to say, relaying a family story. Don't feel pressured to stop remembering someone who you loved, just make sure you remember them well and they way they would want to be remembered, how they lived, not how they exited.
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female
reader, Pork Hock +, writes (5 May 2007):
Hi, I lost my Mum at 30. I was married at the time and had a 3 year old. While it was wonderful to know my Mum saw me get married, see me being pregnant, have a grandchild it doesn't matter, because now that I ticked off the list of accomplishments in life that is expected, my Mum's last conversation to me was, not to coast along in life. She was happy for the 56 years she had had, no regrets and she didn't want me to feel unhappy or just doing what was expected of me by them (parents). I deal with the fact that my 3 year old remembers her Grandmother as this sick women with lots of sores all over her and that she smelt bad. It is hard to explain now to a 6 year old what tumours smell like when they get infected. Your measure of what you think your parents wanted for you was the academia, any parent would tell you that all they want is to know that they have can talk and relate to their child regardless of their status. While academic achievements make parents proud, a conversation on a back porch or a some advice in life, lasts a lifetime, despite your achievements.
I was told by my Mum that she was very tall where she was because she was so proud of me. I am a single-parent, divorced, no job, no money but to know that my Mum was taller where she was because she was proud of me, made every achievement, accomplishment feel real, every bad decision or choice actually feel real. I am an intelligent person despite my domestic situation, but I know who I am even if I was to spend a fortune in the next 3 years getting a degree, being a just person. Rosa Parks wouldn't get up from her seat from a bus because she knew she didn't have to. She knew whatever her background, her education that it didn't matter. Being a good person, standing up for who you are and transcending your family values to people or your future family is how you keep people alive.
Don't live your life as you think your parent would have expected. I have a child and all I want is that she is happy. Final. Not a doctor, a lawyer, a PhD just happy as to who she is and her existence in the world - if she chooses to be a doctor, a lawyer, a hairdresser as long as I know she is totally happy, whatever the salary, the domestic situation, I would and will always love her and support her wishes as long as it wasn't detremential to her health or livelhood. Loosing a parent, makes you feel part of a club, but it doesn't have to be something strange or separate. Start doing things you want to do, not what you expect(ed) your parent(s) want or wanted. Your parent is gone, but it means more to yourself if you do this for yourself. If they were here you would try to pursue what you wanted even if they didn't approve, you don't need their approval in death, their is no judgement where they are. That is a weird thought, but seriously they don't judge anything. Be yourself, not a manifestation of what you think you should be from them. They are gone, he is gone, she is gone. They love you and there is no judgement. Be who you are, not through the eyes of something else that is gone. It is so important to be yourself and not finish off their very cut off lives. It is unfair that they had such a short time, but when is the right time? My Mum just wanted to see her son graduate from school, instead she died the day before his 14th birthday. I am sure she tried to hang on for him, but at the end of the day we were all hoping she wouldn't die on his birthday. He is 16 now and she would be so proud of him. He is a lovely and a kind human being, generous, considerate and mature and intelligent. Every day I am proud of my brother, I love him so much. He is an inspiration to his older 33 year sister. Through death she has shown exactly what the human spirit can do. So when is the right time to die? My brother is the best any parent could want, alive or dead and he hasn't attained any qualification or special accolade yet or title, but I know that whomever he becomes, he is an exceptional person because of who he is not what he has earned or attained in life. Simple things in life mean more.
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female
reader, Cateyes  +, writes (5 May 2007):
 First, my sympathy to you and your family. Both my parents have passed away. My Dad died at 68 almost 12 yrs ago and my Mom almost 2 yrs ago at 78. My Dad was very sick and you could say we were preparing for it, however, my Mom had a massive heart attack, not prepared for and who is, and died in her house. We didn't know she had died till days later, when no one was answering the phone. Want to know what I felt like? A million times I asked myself why didn't you just go over there, why didn't I call one of my brothers or sisters and see if they new had she left on a trip with the church folks...but no...I was consumed with my job and my life - and we never think it could happen. My parents loved all of us kids, theirs 5 of us and I am the baby at 40. I have no kids of my own, divorced and never remarried. I have said those things of if I had any children they would never see their grandparents, but their in our hearts everyday. There in my prayers and my talks when I need to talk to them. I see this as they are in a much better place and they are together at last. Yes, time heals, but for me, I really do talk with them when I need to and I'm NOT embarrassed to say that. I love them..they were wonderful parents. I let them know from early on after their passing how sorry I was for anything I felt bad about. Getting it off my chest REALLY helped me. I cried and cried, but I felt so much better. I have many beautiful pictures of them from early days till their last days and display them. It feels good to have their presence and not locked away in a book. I feel so much better now. All of us kids talk about them still as if they were still here...and those wonderful memories will live on..that's what you will tell your children. Have a talk with your Dad...let him know what you are feeling still. This to shall pass...you will feel better. God Bless and my prayers are with you!
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female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (4 May 2007):
 Hi I can totally connect with what you have written as I lost my dad in February this year after a very long time of illness which spanned the last 2 years.
My dad was basically given 2 weeks to live by doctors in January 2005 and then he amazed them all and due to my mum's constant care he pulled back again and then in April/May 2006 he again went downhill and we were basically told that it was only a matter of time, again he bounced back but on 20 January this year he was admitted to hospital and he passed away on 18 February after a long month of seeing him go downhill.
My dad was 79 and while so many people say ooh that's a good age I don't think we are ever prepared for when one of our parents dies. It is an enormous feeling and both my sister and I were in the hospital during his last hours.
Your dad was not of an old age and there in itself is where you feel cheated that he has been taken from you before his time.
Did he go suddenly or was it a long illness that you had prepared yourself for?
It does make a huge difference I think as if you know it is coming it never makes it easier but it allows you the time to think and try to convey what you want to your dad before they pass away.
No matter what you keep telling yourself I am certain your dad was very proud of his son, even though you measure your success with family and children you had already made him proud with your degree and PhD, any parent would be proud that there son had achieved those.
My dad had bowel cancer 7 years ago and I did panic and at the time I was in a loving long term relationship and so it pushed me forward to have my daughter but if things had of been different and I was not in a loving long term relationship then you cannot reprimand yourself for how life is set out for us.
Your dad would not have wanted you to have a child for the sake of it as he sounds like he was a loving and caring father and you were extremely close to him. The point I am trying to make is that a child just for him would not be the same as a child that was born out of love between you and your partner at the right time in your life a very wanted child.
If the woman in your life is bossy and not being supportive then a child with this woman would have been a huge mistake and your dad would have known that.
I was closer to my dad than my mum ironically and as I am the youngest of 2 I guess I was always the baby girl and always did the right thing so I had a different bond with my dad than my sister but I am now able to get to know my mum even more and I am discovering so much more about her now as she lived as his constant carer for the last 7 years.
Do you have siblings?
Is your mother still alive?
I think what death of a parent does give us is an insight into our own lives and what is important in life, not material items but love and family and I think that is why you are questioning it more now than ever.
Your dad was saying Keep moving forward with your plans, well the only way to stop you regretting is to listen to those words of your dad's and start to plan what to do next however big or small.
Stop skirting around what makes you happy and trying not to upset anyone else around you. Start to put yourself first and your needs.
What makes you happy? Is it travelling, work, cycling, motor bikes, cars, mountaineering you get my drift. I am not saying Rome was built in a day but keep busy as if you don't that is the time we dwell so stay positive and start to move forward as it sounds to me that you are on pause mode at the moment.
Plan a break however small and if the woman in your life is making you miserable re-evaluate your relationship and what each of you is getting out of it.
You may think I am cookcoo but have you thought about seeing a clairvoyant or something? There is no timescale with the spirit world, contrary to a lot of beliefs and I often went to see different people before my dad died and I used to fear death a lot but when I got so many messages from my dead grandparents that no one could know it gave me a lot of warmth inside and knowing they were still there for me helped me enormously.
My mum, sister and myself will go and see someone when the time feels right as it is not scary and I think you would get a lot more answers than you think. Just go with an open mind that is all I ask OK. If you are completely anti to this idea then that is your perogative and I don't mean any offence by mentioning it just hopefully trying to help in some small way.
I wish you well and we are all hear for you no matter what OK.
Just take each day as it comes and don't push yourself too hard into any new decisions but only the ones that feel right inside.
BFN
Country Woman
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you CD, that makes a lot of sense. I'm working on becoming more assertive, taking a few more risks and generally lightening up on myself.
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female
reader, cd206 +, writes (4 May 2007):
 Regret is just one stage of grief and I think you need to feel it, and possibly a few other stages before you can totally move on from his death. You're lucky that there was no animosity between you when he died and that you know undoubtedly he was proud of you. You say you want your children to have a grandfather, well they will. Just because he's no longer here doesn't make him less of a grandfather. He will always exist as long as there is someone around to remember him and I'm sure you'll tell your kids about him every chance you get. Just take each day as it comes and the regret will pass in time. I think it's certain that it would have always been there in some respect even if you'd been married and had kids when he'd died. Maybe you'd regret not having been in a better job or not living in a big enough house.... I don't know. The point I'm trying to make is that when we're grieving and regretting not having achieved our full potential there will always be something more we can have achieved but to know that our relative was proud of us nonetheless is the greatest feeling we can have. I hope things get better for you soon.
CD
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