A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Thanks for readingI was engaged to to a man who I lost in 2015 due to a tragic car accident. Unfortunately, I was there and witnessed the whole thing. It took me along time not to replay everything in my head. Took me along time to sleep at night. Took me a long time to adjust being without him. Life is easier now, but I think of him frequently. All the would haves, and could haves and what ifs. I'm not sure how to completely let go . Any advice?
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (26 September 2021):
 I'm so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how difficult that was for you. However, 6 years later, by your own admission "life is easier" so you have managed to get through the worst part.
When we lose someone, I am not sure we EVER "let go completely". There will always be something which will bring up memories of our loved ones: a song, a smell, a flower, something someone says and, yes, sometimes they will pop into our minds "just because". They live in our hearts forever so why would they NOT pop into our minds? As long as we eventually, in our own time, start to live our lives again, then we can still remember our loved ones with fondness.
When your fiance died, you did not just lose him but also all the plans and dreams you jointly had for your future together. When you think you have your future mapped out and suddenly, without warning, it is all ripped away from you, your whole world is turned upside down. It is bound to take time to stabilize yourself and to start a new, completely different life.
The most helpful description I read of grief was one which likened grief to waves. At first, you feel like you are drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything reminds you of what/who you have lost. All you can do at this point is float, hang onto anything which gives you comfort and hope you survive. At this time the waves a enormous and come crashing around you mercilessly. They are constant, relentless, day and night. There is no respite. In time, you will find that, although the grief is still coming in giant waves, they are becoming more spaced out. Now there are short periods of calm between the waves during which you can catch your breath and start doing "normal" things again. With time the waves become less intense and become even further spaced out. By this time you are starting to realize you can and will survive this episode in your life. You know you will still feel intense pain and loss, but you also know you will come out the other side. The waves never go away completely but they become gentler with time. When they come, you learn to ride them out and come out the other side.
Sending hugs. You are doing great.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2021): I really meant to say:
"I refuse to live in sorrow; and I [won't] give-up on my love, trust, and faith in Jesus Christ."
However you worship, if you do believe in God; according to whatever faith and belief you may practice. Please turn to it. The mind, body, and the soul all require healing. If you don't believe at all, just ignore my response. I don't apologize for being a Christian, or believing in Jesus. I only know He is the reason I've been able to endure my grief and losses. I can't image how it would be, if I didn't.
Peace be with you!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2021): Loss by tragedy is a different kind of grief. Life is taken suddenly, unexpectedly, and it often seems most unfairly. It's difficult to let-go; because there is a question that haunts those who suffer the loss. Why? It shouldn't have happened. Maybe somehow it could have been avoided. A life is stolen. Taken before it's time; and everyone left behind has to endure the pain of life cut short needlessly.
Grief is not meant to be indefinite; though we will miss those we've lost. The trauma of witnessing the tragedy requires special attention. Counseling may help to repair the psychological and emotion-injury sustained; but the soul requires comforting and healing as well.
Please seek grief counseling. It's unhealthy that your bereavement persisted so long. That is an indication that you need professional help; though you may feel you've come around some, but you've written to reach out for comfort. I hope you have a belief in God, our Creator. I hope you don't hold a resentment or bitterness towards Him due to your loss, as some people do. I've lost siblings to cancer, my parents, a partner of 28 years; and one sister two years ago to lupus. All in one family, but it happens that way for some of us. Yes, I've felt enormous grief; but my faith and God's love sustains me.
Prayer, worship, and faith-counseling for those who believe; brings us great comfort. If not for may faith, I don't know how I would have survived. Yes, my grief revisits. I'm human, I'll never forget them; and I'll always feel the loss. I miss them. Yet somehow, I can function. I can still feel at peace, and enjoy the love of my family and friends; and those who I cherish that stay close to me. I can still be happy, and go about life knowing life didn't end for them in a grave. Life lies before us with Jesus; and I will see them all again. I refuse to live in sorrow and I would give-up on my love, trust, and faith in Jesus Christ. He sustains me.
You don't have to believe, I can't force you to. I just want to remind you that healing goes as deep as the soul. Not just the mind. You can ignore my advice; if this is all nonsense to you. I will pray that you receive your peace and comfort. I offer you heartfelt-condolences for such a loss. Such pain must be indescribable; but you do learn to live with your grief. You do need help when it causes depression and loss of sleep.
May God give you healing, peace, and sweet sleep. May He lift the heaviness from your heart, restore your joy, and give you rest. May He wrap you in the gentleness of His love, and may His Spirit drive-away the darkness of loss and grief.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2021): I’m so sorry you went through that awful experience. He would surely want you to be happy and move on and enjoy your life to the full. I suggest you speak with a professional grief counsellor and join a bereavement group. You need to have a safe space to talk about it and let out your emotions. Writing thoughts down in a diary can also help. Look after yourself, eat well, get exercise, try and get plenty of sleep. By making your body more resilient, your mind will become more resilient.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 September 2021):
 Have you talked to someone? Like a grief counselor?
I think it's very normal to keep him in your heart and head still, to an extend. We all move at different speeds, and I don't think there is a cut-off point for missing someone and mourning them. With that said, if it holding you back from living the life you COULD have then I would look into some counseling.
Your fiance was without doubt a big part of your life. You didn't get to move the goalposts from engaged to married to ? with him. So, I can see why "the could have" and "what-ifs" pop into your head and heart from time to time.
Losing someone unexpectedly also brings in an aspect of chaos. And you seeing it go down? That adds another layer.
It's OK to not forget him ever, but if you feel this is hindering you and you need help, seek help from someone who is qualified to help. In the meantime, perhaps talk to other people who knew and loved him too.
I'm sorry for your loss, OP.
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