A
male
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:A girl I had a one night stand with says she’s pregnant with my baby and has been harassing me for weeks but we used a condom when we did it, so I don’t see how it could be mine. We slept together about 2 months ago after meeting in a club. It was just a very typical hook-up. I went back to hers, we did the deed, I left the next morning doing the walk of shame. About 3 weeks ago she messaged me out of the blue on Facebook and told me the news. I was shocked. Like I said we used a condom and I can remember taking it off after we finished and it definitely wasn’t leaking, so it shouldn’t have split. It has really filled me with worry though because I’m only 19 and not ready to be a Dad. I mean obviously if it was mine I would have to step up and do my duty because it wouldn’t be fair on the baby, but I don’t see how it could be mine. Condoms are like 98% effective aren’t they? Surely I’m not just one of the unlucky 2%? She’s been absolutely vile to me over the last few weeks as well, calling me all sorts and telling me one minute I’m not having anything to do with the baby, then the next thing saying she’s going to force me to pay child maintenance. One of my friends said he knows her and apparently she puts it about so there’s probably a few other lads in the frame, but I don’t get why she’s targeting me in that case. I suggested doing a DNA test when she gives birth but she’s refusing. Even without a DNA test as proof she said she’s still putting my name on the Birth Certificate, so legally the baby will be mine regardless.I started going out with a new girl a few weeks after the one night stand and I really like her and vice versa. I’ve been honest and told her what’s going on with this other girl and the baby and she says she’s ok with it either way, but I’m scared all of this is going to ruin things with her eventually. What do I do?
View related questions:
condom, facebook, one night stand Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2021): Presuming you're in the UK, here it is;
- she probs isn't pregnant and is probably just lashing out that the one night stand didn't amount to anything
- if she is pregnant, as you quite rightly say, it could be anybody's
- she cannot put your name on the bc without your consent
- she has to go through Child Maintenance Service to get you to pay and they will force her to do a DNA test before claiming from you. You must ensure if it gets to this that you dispute parental responsibility until a DNA test proves otherwise
It's a long road until then and so for now just chill. Block her on Facebook etc and let her know not to contact you until the baby is born for a paternity test. Go live your life with your GF and wait for the 'I lost the baby' text to come through.
If you're seriously losing sleep and need a speedier resolution, get one of your friends to ask her out on a date etc and they can always take her out and find out if she is pregnant. It won't be too hard so long as she doesn't suss it's one of your friends.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2021): Okay I see you live in the UK so a few facts for you.
Unless you are married then no she can not put your name on babies birth certificate without you there.
Second point if she is going to the child support agency then they will contact you, and request you to do a DNA test for proof that you are babies father. You can refuse payment until that is complete and if she is playing games here they are the ones who are sure to find out. Which makes me think if you are not I don't see her making that move.
3rd point she will be around 8 weeks now and will have to start attending hospital appointments and scans could you offer to attend? Hard to do when you don't even know if the baby is yours, I know. However Confirmation that she is really pregnant?
Sounds to me this girl has a lot of growing up to do and should not be playing around with your head and emotions like this.
When you become a parent it is about the child not you. As I can read you already know. I would honestly encourage you to speak to your own parents yes I know it won't be easy.
I feel you most certainly need them here and their help to get the correct advice.
It is good that you want to step up and do the right thing, good man.
Given she is reluctant to have a DNA I have a slight suspension she is making it up and is jealous you have found someone you want a relationship with and it's not her. A very immuture girl indeed and by the sounds of it not ready for the responsibility of having a kid.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (25 September 2021):
 Check it out but I am pretty sure she cannot just put your name on the birth certificate in the UK without your permission. I am pretty sure you have to attend in person and sign something to this effect. As I said, check it out to make sure this is right.
I think you have been unlucky and found yourself a scammer. She is possibly hurt by the one night stand as she may have expected more from you so is now using this to get back at you. It's possible she found out about the new girlfriend and decided to wreak her revenge on you in this way. One of the scams girls run is to demand "abortion money" from guys with whom they have slept when, all along, there is no pregnancy. They are, also, often scamming a number of guys at the same time.
While it's not impossible that you are the father, it is highly unlikely. Learn a lesson and stop having casual sex with girls you don't know.
In the meantime, stand your ground and keep countering everything with "I want a DNA test". I feel pretty sure, when she realizes you are not falling for it, she will either "lose the (non-existent) baby" or turn her attentions to someone else.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2021): Then I guess you're not the father until you do a DNA test. You can't just accuse a guy of being your baby's daddy, just because you had sex. You met her in a club for crying out-loud, anybody could be the daddy!
Lawyer-up!!!
Placing someone's name on a birth certificate who isn't the the biological-father is paternity fraud.
You could say the Queen of England is your auntie; but you'd have to prove it before you go publicizing it, or expecting to be placed on the list of Royals. You could also be looking at charges of fraud and false-impersonation.
I'm afraid her threats are all hollow; until she provides proof of paternity by a DNA test. You can file for a restraining order; until you get all your legal ducks in a row.
If she finally submits to a DNA test, and you are in-fact determined to be the father. I hope you'll step-up to your responsibilities.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 September 2021):
 She can't MAKE/FORCE you pay child maintenance and REFUSE to do a DNA test.
I'd say call Citizen's advice and learn your rights. See if they can help you talk to a lawyer/solicitor.
Secondly, this is MY personal advice. THIS IS NOT LEGAL ADVICE- I CAN NOT GIVE YOU LEGAL ADVICE.
Stop RESPONDING to her, but first, TELL her that you will NOT accept paternity without a DNA test. So until the child is born and SHE is ready for the DNA test you will NOT communicate with her and you presume the kid isn't yours. DO NOT TELL HER that she can't put on your name. You can not give her legal advice either. Just tell her the STATEMENT that you WILL NOT accept paternity without a Court-ordered DNA. THEN STOP responding to her.
Keep all communications to text/e-mail/Facebook messages so you HAVE it in writing. DO NOT sign anything pertaining to this child. Not the birth certificate. Nothing. NA DA.
SHE CAN NOT put you on the birth certificate.
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/scotland/family/birth-certificates-and-changing-your-name-s/birth-certificates-s/#h-naming-the-father-on-a-birth-certificate
"the natural mother can register the father as the father if she has a court order declaring that he is the father."
"the certificate gives very strong evidence that he is the father because his name can only be added if both the mother and father agree that he is the father or a court order states that he is"
So in ORDER to put YOU on the birth certificate she HAS to have a COURT ORDER declaring YOU the father. OK? Otherwise, she could say that this is the child of Prince William or some rockstar. She can NOT willy nilly just put you on there. IT IS NOT LEGAL. OK?
In short - TALK to Citizen's Advice - find a solicitor. NOW.
-----------------------
Could you BE the daddy? Yes. You could. Stuff happens. In case you didn't know... Sex is how babies are made. It can take one time, it can take 1,000 times. Condoms are fairly safe but not 100%.
You don't know for sure who or how many she has slept with, you don't know her cycle (she could already have been pregnant when you slept with her and you could have slept with her at her MOST fertile time), you barely know her... THAT is reality.
So IF you all of a sudden stop talking to her, stop "fighting" with her, and REFUSE to engage, it might come to pass that:
1. she isn't pregnant after all.
2. that she thinks she can bully you into assuming paternity Or a relationship because you are the only lad she can reach (she can't MAKE you or FORCE you - legally).
3. SHe is pregnant and the child is yours PROVEN by a DNA test and the COURT decides you are the father - I do believe you can sign away your rights - that also means you do not pay but you have no parental rights - again, TALK TO A SOLICITOR. Well, IF the baby IS yours, I think need to step up.
Be smart OP. At least, smarter than her.
And stop having casual sex. It can lead to kids you don't want and can't take care of. And being TIED to a woman you want NOTHING to do with for the rest of your life through a child. A child that didn't ASK to be made or born. So if you date a girl who SAYS she is on the pill, keeping using a condom too. Better safe than sorry.
CONTACT Citizen's advice - STOP responding to her. SEEK legal help ASAP.
And remember - SHE CAN NOT FORCE you the be the daddy. She CAN NOT LEGALLY put you on the birth certificate without your consent (YOU have to be there) or with a court order stating that YOU are the dad.
ONLY married women can put their husband on the birth certificate if he isn't present at the birth. Because the LAW presumes HE is the father as he is the husband.
You are not married to her, she doesn't HAVE that right or legal privilege.
Ok for the last time so those in the back row can hear it, CONTACT a solicitor and if you CAN NOT afford one contact Citizen's Advice and get legal help through them. ASAP. Monday morning.
...............................
A
male
reader, DatabaseBlob +, writes (25 September 2021):
First. She says she will put you on the birth certificate, that's not how it works, usually, so consider it a scare tactic.
Break of any contact with this pregnant girl, block her, ghost her, what ever method you can use. If she come around you place, report her to the police as a stalker.
Absolutely do not engage with the presumed child or its mother under any circumstances what so ever. That will get you on the hook for child support entirely without regard to your status as biological father.
When the presumed child actually exists in reality, you will demand a paternity investigation. You will have the child under your complete physical control and the mother will not be present when you take the child for DNA-testing at a clinic of your choice, and not any one elses choice.
Get checked for STD:s.
Contact a lawyer. Do not contact social services at this stage, pretend that it rains.
All in all, ignore and repress any thought of the child and its mother until you have had the born child tested in a setting and manner which solely you have decided on and where the mother and isn't present and have had no influence over.
Until proven father through DNA-test this situation does not exist, nor does the people involved.
And once again, do get a family lawyer involved, it might be the best decision you ever made.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2021): Well if she wants child maintenance off you she will have to do a DNA test. She cant claim you're the dad when you might not be. You might be one of the 'unlucky' 2%, alternatively you might not be the dad but she might be convinced that you are, or hoping that you are because you're a better candidate than the other guy. Stick to your guns and tell her that you will support her if you are the dad and it is proved with DNA evidence.
...............................
|
