A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi. My question is more of a personal nature than about relationships, but it is affecting my relationships with my new partner and with everyone I meet.Basically, over the last 2 months I have lost both my grandmothers. First my mum's mum, then 3 days ago my father's mum. My feelings may be a normal part of grieving, but I am hoping someone on here can help me understand what I'm going through.Basically, life has lost it's meaning for me. I saw that at the end of my grandmother's life, her belongings and everything that was hers were simply just "things" to be sold or given away. This made me realize that everything we do in life will be forgotten and lost. I work with dementia and alheimer's patients, and I see how they have forgotten almost everything about themselves. it just makes me think, what is the point of it all? I just can't get interested or excited by anything. Or, if I do get enjoyment from something, ie being with my friends, dancing going to the gym, the joy I feel ends as soon as I stop doing it. So everything we do in our lives, isn't it really just a destraction from the inevitable, death and loss of everything and anything that is us or that we have done? Which makes me think, everyone is such a phoney. People who care so much about money or achievement or having babies, it's all pointless. I just can't get motivated or get excited about anything. I really want to. I see people happy and enjoying what they do. Or I see people who are so intelligent and knowledgable and passionate about things, and I wish I could be like them. But I have always been lazy or unmotivated. I think because I have always seen that persuing anything in life is ultimatly futile. This has been highlighted to me now. So i suppose my question is, how do I find meaning in life? I don't believe that there is any, and that any meaning found is "made up" by an individual. I can't lie to myself by making up a meaning for me, that is self delusion. So how can I find meaning again? Has anyone else felt like this?
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (17 September 2012):
 You really sound like a wonderful person, who has achieved so much in life already and you are full of dreams for the future so I have no doubt that you will go on to be happy again in the future. I think you are right, you are putting too much pressure on yourself to feel ok again when it is perfectly natural to feel down right now. You havent even got the funerals out of the way yet, so dont expect so much of yourself - it is absolutely fine to feel down and struggle to feel positive at the moment, in fact that is what you should be feeling at a time like this.
I think your idea of planning another adventure to give yourself something to look forward to is brilliant - why dont you put together a savings plan, where you set aside a certain amount each month working towards a goal so you can go and see more of the world. Have you thought about teaching abroad? That would mean you could earn money whilst you are out there which would take some of the cost out of the equation.
And one final thing - talk to your family. I know you dont want to burden them when they are grieving, but you are all grieving together and it will really help you to share your pain with people who feel the same pain as you. I think it might help you to hear that your family members are feeling similar things to you, so you dont put so much pressure on yourself to feel better so quickly.
Good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answers. They do make sense and are very logical. But, right now they do not bring much comfort, which I hoped they would. In the past I have accepted that we die and that I must make the most of my life. I have achieved things I am proud of like a degree in a subject I loved, made amazing friends, travelled on my own to Asia, and I've recently lost weight and started running at the gym and doing different dance classes. It's just that, at the moment, I can't seem to keep in a positive state of mind. I want to, to honour my grandmothers as they were both such strong women and always had a purpose in their lives and always lived life according to what they believed was right and valuable. But right now I sometimes find it really hard to find a value in anything. I love my friends and family but I don't want to be a burden to them and bring them down with everything negative and sad that I have in my mind and heart. I don't want them to worry about me when they are grieving too. I guess that spending time with my family in person when I will meet them all before my Nan's funeral will help. Also I am catching up with my uni friends next month so I have that to look forward to. Maybe I'm putting too much pressure on myself to be happy when it is natural to feel this way after a loss and I just need to give myself time. I feel better writing this actually. I need to keep doing things that make me feel better, because when I don't I just feel like I'm freefalling down and can see no hope of feeling happy again.
I like your idea k_c100 of writing a list of things I've always wanted to do. Travel is very important for me. I have been travelling for 4 months and I want to go back again. i have a tefl course so I can get a job anytime. I just need to save enough money. Perhaps I need to really make a plan of how much I want to save and how long I want to save for. I know a new adventure would get me excited again. Travelling was the best time of my life. So I know that will make me happy to do that more. The best possible life I can imagine is travelling all around the world, especially Asia, but to many places like Italy, Greece, Peru, Australia. I love working with children so I'd like to teach, and I love art so to teach in a creative way would be great. I also have discovered a love for yoga, dance and running. Any exercise really. So I'd love to do some travel that involves these things. I also love alternative therapies like massage, aromatherapy, reiki, reflexology and believe in how good they are for people's health and happiness. I am actually starting a course in a week on swedish massage which will qualify me as a massusse and from then I can take other courses and build up my repertoir. I do also want to find a man who shares my dreams, who will understand and love me and will want to build a life with me. I want to get married. I want to settle down somewhere beautiful in the countryside and have my own house exactly as I'd like it. Full of things I love and a room that is my own retreat.
I do have many dreams. I don't know why I am feeling so bogged down right now. I guess I doubt myself and my abilities. I got a good job I'm really interested in, but I feel I'm not good enough to do it. I'm finding it hard to interact with people right now and all I can think is that there is something wrong with me, I'm stupid or boring or that I will never be able to overcome my awkwardness. But there have been times when I do feel confident and happy and have made some great friends. So I have to believe that I am capable, I just have to believe that I am. My problem is that I find it hard to get and stay motivated. People say that I am very laid back. But I do want to achieve many things, but find it so hard to see it ever being possible to achieve these things. Plus I can be scared of new people and situations and of speaking openly to people. Which makes some things very difficult to do, which makes me think they are just not possible for me. But you are right, we only have one life. I need to stop caring about what other people think of me or what they are doing and I need to just do what I want to do to be happy. Thanks.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2012): "I lost 2 grandmothers in a very short time. How do I find meaning in life again?"By realizing the inevitability of the cycle of life (to everything there is a season) and that your garndmothers' most valuable legaciies are your mempories of them which will always be yours to cherish, and the best way of honoring them in death is moving on in your own still-young life while keeping them alive in your heart and the hearts of your children and grandchildren; just as your grandmothers did when they lost their grandmothers, and just as your future grandchildren's grandchildren will do when they lose their grandmothers (your future grandchildren). Death is inevitable, what is futile is wasting any second of whatever time you have left. A life well-lived is not a wasted life, no matter how premature or tragic its end. A life wasted is a life not well-lived, no matter how long its time and peaceful its end. Unfortunately advances in medicine can keep the elderly's hearts beating and lungs perfusing, but keeping them among the living does them no favors lacking a reasonable quality of life to truly keep them alive as the people as whom we knew them. Robbing the elderly of their dignity and humanity is a far greater theft than quibbling over their material possessions.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (14 September 2012):
I think many people question the meaning of life, and we all have stages in life where we feel like 'what's the point'. But the point is life is what you make of it. Yes we all die, and that is inevitable, so of course material things are pretty pointless in the long run. But what about the joy that those material things can bring to other people once you have gone? I have a beautiful ring that I designed myself, and paid for using the money my grandma left me. Yes its a material thing, but it has such a special meaning to me because it is a reminder everyday of my grandma and I love it because of that. Yes these 'things' that you have in life do end up being sold or passed on, but if they make you happy whilst you are alive there is no harm in that.
I think once we accept that yes, we are going to die one day, then that is in fact quite liberating. You are going to die, so what? We all die, so we'd better make the most of our lives otherwise on your death bed you will lay there wishing you had made more of your time on earth. Yes you might be unfortunate enough to become ill and lose all your memories, but for the majority of your life you will have done amazing things and had great memories, those last 10-20 years dont really matter in the grand scheme of things.
You will never be forgotten or lost, because you will be remembered by your friends and family when you are gone. There will be photos of you, photos of your life and the happy moments - they will be around forever. Ok, so neither you or I are likely to cure cancer or deliver world peace, but in our own little ways we can make a difference. Even if it is to the one patient you care for who looks forward to your visit every day because all of his family is gone and no-one visits him - you are making a difference even if you dont know it. Just because you dont do anything ground-breaking that leaves a huge legacy, you are making a difference on a day to day basis, doing good in the world and that is truly commendable. I work in marketing for christ's sake, what am I contributing to the world except for greed?! At least you can feel good about yourself with the job you do.
People that care about having babies, they care about leaving something in the world after they are gone. They will raise that child and give them the best start to life they possibly can so that once they are gone, there is another person in the world who is carrying on with half of their genes. I think having children is possibly the most fulfilling thing you can do in life, they are 50% your genes so it is like you are passing on your life into another person so they carry on into the future. What could be better than that?!
You have 2 ways of looking at life - the pessimistic way you look at things, thinking 'what's the point'. Or the optimistic way, thinking 'life's too short, better make the most of it'. Yes we are going to die one day, so whatever happens in your life we are all going to end up the same, dead in the ground. But why waste that life you have been given, being miserable and lazy? We all have the same opportunities, we are born the same and die the same, the only differences between you and those happy people is what you do with your life. You make yourself happy, you are in control of your life and your future - you can do whatever you want to feel happy.
If dancing makes you happy, go out dancing every night. If running down the streets screaming makes you happy, do it. Who cares what other people think, they are irrelevant. Life your life for you, do what you want to do and never worry about anyone else. You are going to feel a bit down for a while and that is natural because losing 2 grandparents in a short time is always going to make you feel rubbish for a while.
But dont give up on life, there is so much out there for you to experience, you just have to reach out and grab it. What have you always wanted to do? Write yourself a list of things that you have dreamt of doing, and try and achieve them. I for instance would love to travel, I have a list of countries I want to see and I try and tick one off every year. I also want to learn a new language (working on that!), I want to own a horse (I share one at the moment so almost there!), I want to have children, I want to learn how to bake bread, I want to grow old with someone, I want to volunteer for a charity, I want to retire and spend all my time drinking champagne....yes all of these things will be forgotten when I'm gone, but who cares, I'll be dead so I wont know any different! As long as I die happy, knowing I made the most of my life, made lots of mistakes and enjoyed it all along the way then I'm done.
Allow yourself some time to grieve, but dont get stuck in a rut - you can be one of those happy people as long as you choose to be one of those people, dont be the pessimist anymore. Yes life is pretty pointless, but it would be even more pointless if you spent the entire time miserable now wouldnt it?!
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