A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am literally shaking with rage and I don't know who I can turn to right now. I think I have just discovered that my Dad is having an affair. My parents have been married for over 25 years now. I was having troubles with my phone so I looked around the house for a spare. I found my Dad's old phone, plugged it in to charge it. It really bugs me when it says 1 new message on the top. I went to messages to get rid of it and stumbled upon a load of texts which are with a woman I don't know. It's all love/sexual content. I am so mad right now. I don't know what to do. I can't tell my Mum, my brother or my sister. I know it would end the marriage which would be bad for all of us. How can I look at my Dad in the same way? The texts came in February of this year when my Dad had to use that phone again as a temp whilst he waited for his new one to come. Somebody please help me, my head is spinning.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (25 August 2012):
 In the UK at age 18 you can drink in public and not only vote but also stand for public office. Regardless of that when it comes to our parents all our childhood feelings rush to the fore.
As I said, don't approach your mother, neither you nor I know the ins and outs of your parent's marriage, if you need to discuss this approach your father first, don't accuse and don't abuse.
A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (23 August 2012):
Talk to your dad first. Give him the chance to explain himself and let him be the one to tell your mom and siblings about this. If he doesn't, you can always choose to do it yourself.
I'm not a fan of the "ignorance is bliss" approach, so I wouldn't keep quiet about it. In this case it is your business because his actions have a direct effect on you and your family.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 August 2012):
 @ anon female: it's a HE, not a HER. His mother. His father. Anyway, this isn't about morals. If you really want to get into it then being a snitch isn't exactly morally right either. You're responsible for your own actions, not the actions of others. This boy is not morally obliged to tell anyone. On the contrary, being a snitch might actually be the wrong thing to do in this situation.
The only morally "right" thing to do is never cheat yourself, and not tell lies. Talking to his father about it is the only morally neutral option here, besides staying quiet about it. Snooping and reading someone else's text messages is morally wrong though.
You shouldn't forget that in this case he has loyalty to both parties, both his mother and father. They both deserve his respect and his loyalty. Just because he found out one has been cheating, doesn't mean the other is a victim or somehow innocent and should automatically get full loyalty while the other is thrown out.
Talk to your dad about this, hear what he has to say.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2012): Don't tell her Mother? Are you kidding? So, basically you are telling this young impressionable teenager that in life when something is wrong, just keep it a secret? She should just keep it to herself? That's one of many reasons why there is such a problem with infidelity...keep it a secret, sweep it under the rug, people have no morals or values anymore, no accountablility. No, these people who do this should be blown out of the water and exposed and should have to deal with the consequences.A child/young adult should not have this burden on their shoulders. Its not her responsibility to try and fix it either. You can't fix broken or stupid, but she can get it off her chest, not have to carry this around with her and the rest is up to the parents.I would not only be hurt to find out my husband was having an affair, I would be just as hurt if my daughter (or anyone) knew and did not tell me.Please OP, not all men are like this and don't ever think it's something you have to accept in life...there are good people in this world. Bottom line, there is no excuse ever, for being unfaithful in a marriage and he has to live with that, not you. It's his problem. I'm sorry you stumbled on this mess...
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (23 August 2012):
Believe me, telling your mother is not going to save their marriage. I do not understand why another Aunt says you must tell for your sake, your siblings sake etc. Telling your mother is not going to make it all better at all!
My advise is to not say anything to your mother at all, neither you nor I know the intimate details of your parent's marriage, if you MUST talk to one of them, approach your father, dont accuse and don't abuse. If you are planning to talk adult stuff with adults you cant approach the subject as a child, if he refuses to discuss with you accept his decision.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2012): "I know that sometimes they go through rough patches"All marriages do, and it is never a reason for cheating. The cheating is caused by people not really understanding what is doing on with themselves."I never thought it'd be bad enough to sneak around and lie and tell another woman that he loves her."This, assuming it is what is happening, is only because your dad has severe internal issues that he is dealing with in a destructive manner."It's the lying that hurts the most."This is always true. The secrecy hurts everyone around you.Don't be a party to it. He left that phone exposed, you got the messages, you can either "keep the secret with him" and be party to your mother's betrayal, or you can give her the phone and let them work it out one way or another.You don't tell, you just let her have the phone and the messages. It is then her choice what to do with it.For all you know, your parents have an open marriage and have never told you...or your mother refuses to have sex and they get along famously except for that one bit and she has told him that he must get it elsewhere...or...there are to many possibilities...don't try to figure it all out.Not all men are like this.Not all women are either.Remember that as you get older, you will have temptations, you will have opportunities, and you need to deal with them constructively...affairs and cheating are destructive.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2012): You need to tell your mum for your sake, her sake and your siblings sakes
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know that sometimes they go through rough patches but I never thought it'd be bad enough to sneak around and lie and tell another woman that he loves her. It's the lying that hurts the most. I don't know how I can look at my Mum knowing this and having him continue to get away with it. My Mum and Dad go on holiday together and stuff, just those two. To think that he can do that and have someone else that he 'loves', it makes me feel sick.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 August 2012):
 I agree with Chigirl... go to you dad and talk to him if you can....
but to be honest, if he's that unhappy that he's having an affair there is stuff going on in your parent's marriage that you don't know about... and it might be better to stay out of it.
perhaps your mom knows and looks the other way.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (22 August 2012):
Well if you can't talk to anyone else about it the answer is obvious: either keep it to yourself, or tell your dad you know and talk to him about it.
Life happens... you'll pull through.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2012): Personally, I would not only confront your dad, I would also tell your Mom what you discovered, and then you have to let them handle it.
For whatever reason, your father is a weak individual and has really screwed up.
Your parents have to work it out amongst themselves, and it's going to be tense for a while, but keeping this quiet is the wrong thing to do...two reasons...your father needs to be called out on this and your mother does not deserve this from the man she married.
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