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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: Hello, I'd love to hear your opinions. I'm 37 and have been divorced 5 years with three great kids. Since my divorce my self esteem has been pretty low and I ended up putting on 3 stone in weight. Two years ago I became friends with a man 8 years younger than me, see him socially once a week and talk at least 5 nights.You guessed it, I started getting 'more than friends' feelings, and although everyone assumes we're a couple we're still just friends, he's really shy about relationships and has been single 4 years. I'm pretty sensible and realised if he wanted more he'd have let me know. Well, last year i started a new great job, got lots of confidence back and hit the gym. I've lost all the weight and some (almost 4 stone) and am a uk size 8-10 now. My 'friend' has recently suggested us spending more quality time together. My dilemma, does he only like me like that now as i look better? I don't want anyone superficial however much i still like him. I've always been happy and confident around him so that side of my personality is the same. I'd love your opinions, thanks.
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confidence, divorce, self esteem, shy Reply to this Question
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (7 October 2009):
 By saying he wants to spend some quality time with you doesnt necessarily mean that he wants a relationship, he could just be thinking you dont see each other much anymore and would like to see more of his friend. Or yes there is a chance he might want more, but you dont really know until you do actually spend some more time with him and find out how he feels.
I know it may seem superficial if he only likes you now that you are slimmer but think about it this way - if you had a great male friend who was overweight, the chances are you would think that he is a great guy but you are not attracted to him. A year later and now he is slim and fit - all of a sudden you see him in an entirely new light and you realise that he now has the looks to go with the personality. Is that really such a bad thing?
People are so quick to label others as superficial - but in reality looks do matter and without physical attraction what do you have - the answer is a friendship. You cannot expect a fantastic relationship with someone without that basic level of attraction. And that attraction is what makes the initial phase of a relationship exciting. Fair enough once the relationship has developed and you fall in love with each other then you shouldnt be so shallow as to base your love on your partners weight, but when it comes to the early stages of a relationship then looks and physical attraction are one of the most important things!
You cant really blame him for being this way - men and women do this all the time because as much as we like to deny it and as much as we go around saying "its whats on the inside that counts" - that is just rubbish for people that have lost the spark with their partners or for people who hate their bodies and are trying to convince themselves that they can be happy. We should all just be more honest - admit that we need to fancy someone in order to be happy in a relationship, admit that we want passion and that we want to imagine our partners naked bodies when we are in bed at night! There is no shame in that - I'm sure you find your "friend" attractive and fancy him, so yes it does seem a little shallow that he now finds you attractive but he is only human!
Really there is no problem here - you have done amazingly well to lose the weight and I bet you look fantastic so congratulations and enjoy your new body! And the man you have feelings for could have feelings for you to - surely that is something to be excited about? So stop worrying about his intentions or how superficial he is, he is just a man that is appreciating your new body - who can blame him for that?! Say you two do get together and somewhere down the line you fall in love with each other - then at that point yes it would be superficial of him to only be interested in you for the way you look. But 9 times out of 10 when you fall in love with someone, when those feelings are pretty deep, looks become less important. So until you reach that stage you cant really expect him not to be influenced by the way you look!
Say he had gained 4 stone over the last year, would you still be interested in him? I bet if you are being totally honest with yourself then the answer would be no, as a woman who is a size 8-10 you would be thinking "I could do better". So is that superficial of you? No - because it is normal and natural!
So just enjoy spending more time with this man and enjoy your new body, try not to worry too much about superficiality because the closer you get to him the more you will be able to judge his character.
I hope this helps and good luck!
A
female
reader, kayla20 +, writes (7 October 2009):
 maybe it just took time for him to ask you out but looking better around someone could attract them im sure he doesnt just like you because you have lost the weight as he was talking to you a hell of a lot for friends before hand take things slow give him a chance he must have found it hard to make a move in the first place if his shy about relationships maybe he was taking his time to get to know you first
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): "My 'friend' has recently suggested us spending more quality time together."
Oh come on. This is the strangest relationship for a 29 year old to talk to you 5x a week and *not* have a romantic interest.
Then he actually suggest you "spend more quality time together"?
You guys are already faux dating. Your only issue is if you want to actually date him. It has nothing to do your size, or how you look or anything else. It comes down to- is this guy dateable. If he isnt, dont try making excuses to yourself about his sudden "superficiality".
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A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (7 October 2009):
 I doubt it has as much to do with your physical appearance as it is a result of your new-found confidence. Think about it. If you had not lost all the weight, but felt as great as you do now, don't you think you'd be more attractive to anyone (I mean attractive, but this isn't confined to physically attractive - confidence and happiness are attractive to friends as well).
Confidence and happiness are attractive. You are closer to the REAL you today than you have been for a long while. You are probably glowing, wearing nicer clothes and more upbeat and hopeful in your overall perspectives. Think about it. Am I wrong?
It's YOU he finds attractive; your confidence and happiness show YOU off better.
You also said he is shy about relationships. It’s possible he is the kind of guy who needs time to be sure about things before he makes a move. He's been attracted to you in some form all this time, or he would not have spent so much time with you. Perhaps only recently has be developed a physical attraction to you, or the original physical attraction has been enhanced, but you've bloomed! Who could blame him? Or perhaps, he was shy and didn't want to ruin a wonderful friendship until he could be sure.
Either way, I agree that you should not worry so much about "why" he is attracted to you and start to enjoy that he is.
Good luck and GOOD FOR YOU!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): I don't think he only likes you in that way now you have lost weight and stuff. You said that he is shy about relationships. So maybe he has just needed time to muster up the courage to ask you!
You could always ask him, I guess, if it would help put your mind at ease. But I'm thinking that he will tell you that he likes you no matter what you look like.
It's up to you, but I would say give it a go! This sounds like a great opportunity for the two of you. So if possible, try and tell those worries to go away, and enjoy spending time with this guy! x
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (7 October 2009):
 Maybe he just needed some time, I'd say go for it. Have some fun.
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