A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:HelloI am 38 years old and still live with my parents as i cant afford anything else, and as i am an only child and with no family close by i am my parents carer. The problem is that i have met somebody who lives a round trip of 100 miles away, my boyfriend has asked me to move in with him, i have tried to explain about me being my parents carer and that they are not entitled to any help and that they cant afford any carers to look after them and that it is left to me to care for them, my boyfriend wont move nearer to me as where he lives is where he works, what do i do as i do love him, but he does not understand why i cant move in with him, he has told somebody i know that he thinks that i dont trust or love him anymore.
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female
reader, Blue_Angel0316  +, writes (12 December 2007):
 Being a caregiver is a hard thing. The choices one has to make do not always seem fair to the caregiver. In your case if your b/f knew that you had this obliation in the beginning it would be unfair of him to expect you to just move in with him without any preperation.
If you really want to move in with him you must consider how all of this will affect you. The relationship with your parents will be also be affected. I would suggest letting your bf know that you love him dearly but that your parents are unable to take care of themselves. I can suggest also checking in with the State departments such as DFACS( Department of Family and Children Services) They have a program to help get people into Nursing homes and other facilities when they have limited incomes.
If your parents are under 65 and are disabled they might be able to get on Disability Insurance called SSI which will help them to get medical care and medications. Their is also a program which might be available that a Home Healthcare Nurse can come to your house 3 days a week to check on them and help in baths and monitoring their meds and such.
I am a caregiver also. I have kept several people with conditions that prevented them from being able to take care of themselves. It can be very stressful and can sometimes leave you with feelings of guilt for needing time for oneself. However it is important that you do take time for yourself. It helps in making you a healthier, happier and stronger person. Having your bf I am sure is giving something special to your life if you are considering moving in with him. Let him know this.
He should try to understand your situation and if he loves you he should be willing to compromise. Your parents are your family. You are their only child and if you are taken away it will probably devistate them. You are the only stability they have in their lives. When you get the chance to have a heart to heart with your bf let him know that you want this to work out but you need his help. Together you should be able to work out something that will be satisfactory for all concerned.
I would say that in the end what is happening here is making a choice. One that is based on love. You love your parents and you are making a choice to stand by them. He has to choose also. I pray that his choice will be to stand by you with love. Together you might possibly be a stronger force and might be able to make it thru all the hard times. If he can't make it thru this with you then what's to say he could ever make it thru a life with you at all. By the way my Mother had Altzheimers, I cared for her 3 years going every day to a nursing home to see about her. Tending to her needs as they arose no matter what they were. I had 2 teenage children of my own, a newborn grandchild and two little boys with ADHD and learning disabilities.
I know it is hard to cope with being a caregiver. But it is a choice. One you have to make to either see it thru or walk away. My Stepdad had no children and soon after my Mom passed away I had to take him in and found out that he too had Altzheimers. A choice of love for the man who was my Dad for 32 years I saw it thru. You just have to be strong enough to choose and pray that you make all the right decisions.
I pray that your bf is strong enough to stand by you. If he isn't then you should move on. Find someone who is really worthy of the loving woman you are. You are special and capable of loving your parents even when they can't do anything real for you but giving the love you deserve.
God bless you and your family. May he help you find a way to have the life you deserve.
Godspeed.
A
female
reader, pgissyd +, writes (9 December 2007):
 you cannot be tied to your parents forever, what exactly is it that you stay with them for? what do you do for them? if they NEED youto care for them then they are entitled to having a carer, even a live in carer if they need 24/7 care. So why do YOU have to stay there?
I think you are afraid of leaving the nest, if you love this guy, then go for it, though if he loves you he will be prepared to wait while you get a proper carer system set up for your parents.
I think the real questions here are, Why do they need you to care for them, if they are not entitled to government help? Are you taking on more than you need to? are you afraid of taking the big step of moving out of your family home?
The government provide carers to those in need, regardless of if one of them works or not. or if they have savings and so on. Go to www.directgov.co.uk that may not be the correct address, so search on direct gov uk. You will be able to find out exactly what they are entitled too, you can also join the carers group, who provide extra help for carers themselves.
Also, if you are a carer for your parents, you should be getting paid for it, so why dont you have any money?
Can you answer some of these questions to enable us to help you further?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2007): Its commendable that you're looking after your parents. You only ever have 1 set of parents - you can have many boyfriends. If you've explained to him and he carries on that way then i'd say you can do better. But in terms of him telling someone you dont' trust or love him anymore - do you know this for a fact or is it heresay?
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