A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of One year and a half has recently lost his cousin. They were so close together. My boyfriend is obviously taking his cousin's passing extremely hard since they were close and he really admired him.Few minutes before the news that his cousin passed away, i texted him that I can't do this anymore and that I need some space to clear my head. We had some communication issues it seems that i'm the only one who puts in the effort. I give him all the time he needs to have fun with his friends and finish up his college projects and play video games etc.. all that i ask is an hour at least to talk to each other, since he doesn't even text much. it's like have to book an appointment to talk to him, that's how it feels. Then he spends the entire day ignoring me, and i'm just waiting for him to text and call, then we end up fighting the next day because he ignored me. It make me sound like a nagging/complaining girlfriend and I hate to feel this way.Now the problem is, my boyfriend is really depressed and sad because he just lost his cousin, and i'm really sad and depressed because: a) He is depressed and sad. b) I feel so guilty when i texted him that i needed some break before the death of his cousin.c) I'm trying so hard to be there for him but i just don't know what to do. I keep texting him to call me whenever his free, and when he does, he's just so quiet and doesn't want to talk about anything. That really kills me.d) I live now in fear and sadness that our relationship might fall apart due to the lack of communication we had before and lack of emotions+communication now.I haven't eaten anything in 2 days just thinking about my boyfriend and our relationship. What should I do? do i give him space? I don't want to keep calling him and texting him that will just reflect that i'm a needy/clingy girlfriend at the same time i don't to lose him. I'm just so confused right now. Please help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2013): You have remained with your boyfriend beyond the point of mutual fulfillment. He lingers for your sake, and because breaking up is just too emotionally challenging. He'd rather just sit it out. You're doing all the work.
You had no way of knowing his cousin was dying. He can't hold that against you. It's not relevant to the present condition of your relationship anyway.
When a relationship has reached the point that there is no communication and passion has died; then you have to get the courage to end it. Unlike a marriage, there is no legal commitment or vows involved. The commitment is voluntary; and it is binding as long as both parties participate in keeping it alive and healthy.
He isn't showing the same enthusiasm about being a couple
as you are.
You gave a list of all the things you "allow" him to do. You aren't "letting" him do anything. Putting it in those terms means you give him your permission. He's an adult, and decides how to use his time on his own; just as you do.
If you chose to hold on to a lifeless relationship; you'll be very frustrated and unhappy. You're trying to get a pulse and looking for signs of life; but it sounds like he has already given up. You're clinging on in desperation.
I know you're going to respond by describing how committed he is, how much he has said he loves you, and how much you love him. He has to seek professional help if unable to deal with his depression. If he isn't responsive, don't frustrate yourself by calling and texting. He has phased you out.
Why did you write this post? Why are you holding on, when he isn't responding to the effort?
Depression may be his problem, it is brought on by his grief. Everyone gets depressed after losing a loved-one.
Let him work through that on his own. It appears your support doesn't have any impact at this time. Your love seems to have no affect on him, judging by what is written in your post. You receive no emotion in return.
His indifference to you may be an indication he is over the relationship and you're holding on for no reason. I think the relationship fell apart a long time ago. He has already given up on it, but you haven't. It takes two to save it.
He may be the type that just allows the relationship to slowly die, until the girlfriend decides to just go away.
That way he doesn't look like the bad guy, the decision to leave is yours, and he doesn't have to deal with the drama of a formal breakup.
I'm sorry about how this is affecting you. I think in your heart you know it is over; but please don't risk your health over this. If things reach a point it starts to effect your health and emotional well-being, by all means let it go. Let his family take care of him for a while.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (9 October 2013):
 OP you are not responsible for your boyfriend and you cannot help him if he doesn't want to help himself. Yes, I know it is difficult to deal with death, I lost my 10 year old dalmatian a few days ago and its been traumatic, to say the very least. BUT, that does not mean that I start alienating the people in my life who care for me.
My boyfriend has been extremely supportive throughout the entire ordeal and I truly appreciate his help. While there are times that I feel really miserable and think I'm just going to break down, I hold myself together for the sake of family and those who love me. I try not to let my grief overshadow my relationship with my boyfriend because I understand that even he feels the pain that I feel and we can get through this together.
What I'm trying to say OP is that there is a healthy way of dealing with grief and pain. What your boyfriend is doing is not healthy. He probably needs help and you have done your best, it is not up to you to offer anymore. If he doesnt understand your gestures and your feelings then that makes him selfish. Yes, it is sad he lost his cousin, but he shouldn't treat your the way that he is.
By the sounds of it, your boyfriend has issues with communication from the very beginning which have just aggravated now because of the death of his cousin. Only you know if this is salvageable, and that too can happen only if he also wants it. So far it seems like its just one person doing all the work.
Stop blaming yourself for anything, you are not at fault. Is there anyone from his family that you can talk to? Or maybe some close friend of his who can help? Beyond that I think you've done enough and more than what many people would have done. Take care of yourself and your health, give him the space that he needs and see how it goes from there. He should *want* to talk to you, without being forced into it. If it doesnt come naturally, then there's not much else you can do about it.
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A
female
reader, Starlights  +, writes (9 October 2013):
 You dont have to feel guilty for airing your true feelings because You are entitled to have a happy relationship.
You didnt set the intention to hurt him however it was bad timing and its not your fault.
He will feel depressed and sad and there is not much you can do to help him get over it.
The only thing you can do is allow him to work through his depression and let him know you love and care for him.
You can message him daily. Dont give up on him.
It's important you take care of your health and eat otherwise you will get weak and that wont help neither of you.
Wishing you the best.
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