A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I've been seeing this girl for a 2ish years. When we first met we were both pretty adamant that marriage was off the table. I told her I didn't see myself marrying and we continued to see each other. She's slowly made passes about moving in together. I've brought it full center and said no. I told her I like what we have but I don't want to complicate it. Every once in awhile she gets this idea in her head that we have to move in, she wants me to meet her mom/dad, or yes even marriage. I've told her no multiple times. I like being with her, I like doing vacations, trips and spending time with her. She just keeps trying to push it into a serious relationship. We've talked about it multiple times. Sometimes she gets pissed and leaves me alone for a week or two then eventually comes to her senses and says that she was over reacting. I like this girl alot but I feel like she's trying to make me something I'm not ready for or want. Could I see marrying her? Yes but I don't want that right now. I don't know if I ever want that. We just had another fight because her parents were in town today and she wanted me to meet them. I like her but I understand she is wanting the whole wedding/move in/facebook relationship stuff but I don't want that. I think all that stuff is cheap and stupid.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2021): You want the best of both Worlds - selfish, immature and short sighted. I hope she wises up and walks away from you soon.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (3 September 2021):
 I don't know in what world 2 years of exclusive dating isn't a commitment.
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A
female
reader, Alwin  +, writes (3 September 2021):
 you two clearly have very different goals in life, be a decent person and break up with her because she wants to really share her life with someone and you're wasting her time. Casually dating is great but that's not what she wants, she probably thinks she could change your mind, which hasn't happened and isn't likely to happen in the near future so I think it's time to let her go.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2021): At your age, after two years relationship, I think she is well within her rights to ask about you meeting her family and moving in. If that's not what you want, you are wasting her time. Time to step up the relationship or end it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2021): Once we reach our 30's, most people are pretty much established about their career choices, have completed at least their undergraduate education; and know what they want when it comes to romantic-partners and relationships.
"I told her I like what we have but I don't want to complicate it." You mean, let it grow-up?
This statement is a symptom of commitment-phobia. You want all the benefits of monogamy, access to sex, and a partner who loves and adores you. If you want casual-relationships; it's best to stick with short-term dating, booty calls, or one-night stands. Giving every temporary romantic-interest a clear understanding that this is only casual, not leading to anything else. You don't get the exclusive right to set the terms.
Your girlfriend has invested two years of her life. I can only assume she has been faithful; and I'm certain you also have sex on a regular basis. Now tell me, after investing so much, how should she not expect more? I'm presuming you're conducting what's considered a well-balanced adult-relationship. Not a teenage "puppy-love" romance.
You, like too many men these days, want to have access to sex on-demand; but you want to stay as far from any form of true-comment as you can get. You'll move-in together, and even father children. You'll keep that "exit-clause" in the relationship for a "spontaneous-exit" or quick bailout; the minute you tire of the same sex-partner, or you get restless or itchy-feet. It's even a common-myth with women that most men fear any form of commitment, and all we want is sex. They also think the minute we get bored or tired of them, we'll just cheat. We both know the longer you invest your feelings into a relationship, the harder it is to let-go of it. I would venture to assume that this is generally true with most women. We men can hold-on and let-go, with a lot less emotional-distress. Yes, some guys never get over an ex; but males and females don't process our emotions exactly the same.
You only want a casual-relationship, yet with all the benies! You want her to remain faithful to you, and offer you full and regular access to her heart, her time, loyalty, body, and her life. You've even argued with her; when she tries to assess or evaluate where the relationship is going. You use her feelings for you as leverage; knowing she cares too much to easily let-go. During a time-out, you bide you time waiting for her to "come to her senses." You've apparently laid-down the ultimate ultimatum; if she doesn't just back-off and accept things the way they are. The way YOU want them to be! That is, "let's just breakup, if you don't like things the way they are." Whether said in so many words, or implied. That is emotional-cruelty and psychological-blackmail anyway you want to put it!
Let's call a spade a spade. You're holding her as an emotional-hostage. Harsh? Yep!!! Knowing the emotional-devastation she'd suffer to just suddenly breakup with you. She's too attached. However, attachments do come undone; when they are strained and stressed to the breaking-point. She can recover from a breakup, and she has the capacity to love somebody else instead. Trust that she's weighing all her pros and cons during the weeks you're not speaking. How many more of those before she tells you to hit the road, Jack???
I would never suggest to anyone, with a clear conscience, that they should marry; if they are not ready for it. Definitely not, if they don't want to; but would submit under pressure or coercion. Love and trust should be the deciding factors; and a solid established bond made between the couple. They should know each-other well, have a full-understanding of the depth of their emotional-connection to each-other; and above all, trust each-other with an understanding of faithfulness and devotion. That is what true-love is all about. I've had that all my adult-life; so I know what that entails, and what I'm talking about.
If someone is giving all this to you, and all you want is something "simple/casual" and easy to escape; I would inform her she's in a one-sided/lopsided relationship. Had she written, I would have advised her to dump you; to pursue someone who is willing to go the whole nine yards...dating, forming a devoted monogamous-connection, establish unmovable mutual-trust, a period of engagement, marriage; AND THEN have kids. Giving the children a father who wants to be married, committed to one woman; and who is ready to take-on full responsibility of a wife and raising children together.
I'm not harshly judging you here, please don't take it that way. The purpose of this lengthy lecture is to educate you and readers on what you could be putting your partner through; when you want a perpetual-girlfriend, but your lady is actually hoping you're investing in a relationship that will ultimately lead to marriage and a family. If that's not your bag, let her go; so she can go find it with someone on the same-page. Time is at the essence, and you can neither move the clock backward or forward in a lifetime.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 September 2021):
 You two are at a crossroads here. You want to stay where you are. SHE wants to take a left, right, or a straight forward path. You are not on the same page anymore. She wants more than you are WILLING to give.
It's OK to be unsure. But stringing her along is NOT OK.
With that said...
Dude! You are in your 30's? and want to have a "teenage-like" relationship with no commitments? After 2 years of dating?
You WANT the GF and GF experience but to invest in the relationship with commitment? Oh no! Seems like you want an FWB - she wants a life partner.
Break up with her so she can find someone who WANTS to commit to her. And you can find someone who will "settle" for something WAY more casual with you.
If she is your age SHE has a time limit on her fertility. You know this. You don't have the same issue (not quiet at least) So yes, after 2 years you ought to know if you are with someone who WANTS to be with you long term or not.
That doesn't mean you have to marry her tomorrow or make babies with her. But if you are NOT really ready, then SHE isn't the one for you. And YOU are definitely not the one for her. As you want (or rather don't want) VERY different things.
And yeah, if she only wants commitment so she can POST it on Facebook, then definitely END it, that IS ridiculious. But marriage is neither cheap nor stupid.
Why are you dating someone who wants the whole marriage and family if you are unsure about that? It makes no sense. That is ONE thing people in a relationship should agree on. Same with kids, finances, morals, and values.
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A
female
reader, Tinacandida  +, writes (1 September 2021):
 You obviously dont want the same thing. Let her go so that she can fulfil her life.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (1 September 2021):
 I think that after two years of dating she is doing what most woman would be doing at this stage, which is taking the relationship to the next level. I don't find her behaviour odd, i actually find this normal.
I am guessing that she is around the same age bracket as you are, so if this is the case of course the things she wants out of this relationship are things like marriage, and a serious relationship.
In the beginning of course things were different, but after two years of dating she is realising that she wants more, and is of an age now where casual dating can't go on for ever.
By your own admission you say marriage is something you don't want right now, then say you don't know if you ever want that.
I think maybe it might be time to wish her well and let her go, you both want different things out of life. If you stay with her you might be jeopardising her chances of having what she really wants, a marriage and a family, all that stuff you call cheap and stupid.
Maybe you need someone younger, who likes to party every weekend, carefree, and does not want commitment.
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