A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, this is probably going to sound ridiculous but here goes. I’m currently dating a guy who is 8 years older than me (I’m 19). I know it’s a huge difference but that’s not necessarily what my question is about because our relationship is working really well. When we first started dating, my friends teased me endlessly about going after an older guy. It was all in good fun and they approve of my boyfriend so that’s not the problem. The problem is that after a while, I started to realize that I am almost exclusively attracted to older guys. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve had feelings for guys my own age. But it seems that I predominantly lean towards MUCH older men. For example, I’m more likely to think that Hugh Laurie is attractive than some 20 year old actor. My friends teased me because they say this is the “daddy complex”, where I seek out older men because my relationship with my father wasn’t great. And to be honest, it wasn’t. I’ve never had a stable male role model in my life. My Dad is a nice guy, but I see him maybe once a year. He’s never been a responsible, stable or mature father like everyone thinks I needed. And I’m worried that I’m only attracted to my boyfriend because he’s older than me. We started dating because I thought he was attractive, and funny, and he’s incredibly sweet—but now I’m afraid that maybe subconsciously I’m only attracted to him because of the age thing. I’m not looking for a fatherly figure, I’ve done fine without one for 19 years. I don’t want to date an older guy because he’s safe and stable and financially secure and makes me feel “taken care of.” I don’t need to be taken care of and I don’t want that at all. I want a romantic partner. So I probably sound like a nutjob because my BF is NOT a fatherly figure to me. But I’m still freaked out about my exclusive attraction to older men. How do I know if my relationship is healthy and based on love, rather than my unconscious search for a father replacement?
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male
reader, fatass +, writes (20 July 2010):
I have had a horrible relationship with my dad. My mom and dad divorced long a go but have tortured me as a 'go between' for their on going beckering. I was married once before to a man a few years older and it didn't work. I was still not happy and honestly was not faithful. I'm now married to man older than my dad and I'm still not happy. I'm just can't find it.
A
male
reader, Oldnewyork +, writes (6 July 2010):
Eight years isn't that much of a difference, in fact a thirty year old going out/marrying a 38 year old is not looked at as strange or wierd at all so a nineteen year old with a 27 year old, if you are intellectually compatible and have your sh*t together (attending college have a life plan outside of the guy your seeing)then to quote Woody Allen (bad example I know) "Whatever works".
p.s. the girl who is 17 dating her church deacon in secret who is 11 years older? the situations are completely different, there is something called statuory rape to begin with (having sex with a minor) and if you have to have a relationship in secret there is definitely a problem, there is young and then there is too young and the jump in judgement and intellectual ability between the years 17 and 19 are tremendous. dump him before the cops arrest him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2009): It's normal. I can't speak from a girl's perspective, but being 19 (the same age as you) I do prefer older guys (like, under 30 but older than me) for very good reasons. They have more self-assurance and more life experience (therefore, more to talk about and this makes them more interesting as people).
They eat in nicer restaurants, and they're much better in bed because they're more sexually experienced. (This may also tie in with the fact that most submissive guys would feel WEIRD submitting to a younger guy - I imagine the same probably applies to most girls, though not all. The simple truth is that in most straight relationships, the male is older than the female, and this can't be a coincidence. Lots of 19-year-old girls have older boyfriends: not too many of them have younger boyfrends).
I do draw the line at 'much older guys' but if you don't, there's no shame in that, it's just a preference. Some people have a thing for blondes or Orientals or tall people. It doesn't mean you fancy your actual dad on any Freudian level. Nothing to agonise over. If you find out you have a thing for guys over the age of 100 then that may be a matter that begs deeper analysis, but so far nothing I've read here sounds any alarm bells.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2009): Hi, I just happened to stumble upon this article when I searched daddy complexes. I'm currently facing a similar issue and these posts have helped to clear my head a bit. I am currently 17 years old and I am in somewhat of a relationship with a 28 year old. I have always been attracted to older men, particularly those in leadership positions aka, teachers, preachers, bosses etc. The man I'm attached to is a deacon at our church and his entire family attends there as well. I'm so worried because he has so many older women that he could be with and I don't want to lose him. We can't have an open relationship because we're not sure how our church or families would handle it bc I'm still only a minor. We've had feelings for each other since I was 15 and they've only gotten stronger. I completely understand your situation. Mines a little difference bc I am a minor but I know how you feel. My friends support me in this as does my mother *which should be all that matters* but sadly we have to take so much more into account. I never had a relationship with my father. I met him when I was 11 and I very rarely see him. But I don't feel that I am attracted to older men bc of that. I don't seek "security" or to be "taken care of"...I just like that these men know what they want in life and are stable. I want an experienced, loving man. Not an immature, unstable teenage guy. I fear that I have a daddy complex because of the EXTREME age attraction. I feel that the older the better, but I draw the line at 50. Idk, I know that my attraction to him may have initially been for age, but now that I've had 2 wonderful years with him, I know that it's not the reason anymore.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2009): You don't know how relieved I feel after having read this! I mean, I am afraid myself to figure out whether or not I have a 'daddy complex,' because I've only ever been attracted to older guys... But I actually recently discovered my father (so many stories to that), so I'm still confused. I'm also much younger, so I guess it's not SO important for myself to find love, but this helped. And like others replied, your friends are being immature. Who you love or are attracted to is your preference and choice only. Why would you want to be conformed into liking a certain style, right?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2009): You are perfectly fine, my dear. There is nothing wrong with dating older men. Just because you don't have the same taste in men as your friends, they shouldn't tease you for it. You sound far more mature than your 19 years- your friends are the immature ones. 8 years isn't entirely that much older anyways- my parents were 8 years apart. Don't let comments that your friends make get to you. Ask yourself what attracted you to your bf in the first place? Would you rather be like your friends, who may date people their own age, but it may be short term and they are probably not as happy or confident in their own relationship. (So unfortunately they tease and pick on you for dating someone "older.") I think that it may not be so much a "daddy complex," rather than simply getting along better with older people. For example, I'm in my 20's, but growing up my parents had older friends and I grew up hanging around with them and knew them, so naturally I felt more comfortable with them. I feel nervous around people my age, but I feel so much more comfortable with people older than me. As long as you're happy, that's all that matters. All the best! P.S. Hugh Laurie IS more attractive than some 20 year old actor!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2009): Okay, I am 21 and my boyfriend is 41! There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with dating an older man. I have dated several guys my age and they are all VERY immature. They likes to play games, treat you badly, and don't really care about you. My guy is very attractive plus he takes good care of himself, he is very caring, he'll do the littlest things for me when I don't even say anything. We are very comfortable together and we don't care what anyone things. My best friend is 35 and her boyfriend is 30 and all of us will hang out and go places together and we all get along so well. The point of the matter is that if you both are on the same page, you make each other happy, motivate each other, and don't care what others think then you are good. I recently quit smoking a couple of weeks ago and he tells me everyday how proud he is of me. I go to the gym every day (sometimes 2 times a day) and it's all because of him. He makes me feel good about myself. Even on those days when I feel like I look disgusting (all of you women know what I mean) he tells me how amazing I look. He shares my enthusiasm about the littlest things I get so excited about. We both have the same mentality and that's what makes it so great.
So cheer up, don't worry, HAVE FUN!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2008): It's amazing how many people have the same complexities, i'm 18 and currently seeing someone 8 years older than me but have always been attracted to men much older than that say between 30-50. I've never had a great realtionship with my dad but i did have a strong father figure (my mums new fiance) as i was going through the crucial growing up stage of my life so have never felt a gap in that respect so i don't think it ever stems from the lack of fatherly influnce in peoples lives. Everybody has different perspectives and i think we all just need to accept who we are and how we feel.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2008): My Fiance is 20 years my elder. I am 29. I met him 5 years ago and we are madly in love. I think I've questioned him about the age thing, more than he has questioned me. I still get many older references to movies, songs and other things that even *he* doesn't get. There is always something to talk about and the best part about it, is...if one of us doesn't understand a cultural reference due to age or what-not, the other is never condescending when attempting to explain it. I love that about him/us/life together. When I was in High School(16), I was dating a 35 year old. He was cute and nice and ultra-smart(I'm attracted to brainiacs, on top of it all) and we had a lot of fun, not doing a whole lot but talking! Older men are more sexy, imho...I find nothing more attractive than a man's face with a few crows feet. ;) I love my fiance and he has never made me feel *too young*, *immature* or *not old enough to understand*. If you can find yourself a man that makes you feel like that, then you've hit the jackpot. I know that I have! :) Last, but not least...ask your friends if they really think you have a "daddy complex" or if they just don't really understand why you like older men and are searching for the first excuse or *thing they heard* about it. There are much more terrible things than being happy and in love. Ask your friends if they are in love and how THEIR boyfriends make THEM feel. ;)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2008): Wow! Well first of all, take a deep breath and let it all out girl. I infact am 18 and am currently "dating" an incredible guy who happens to be 8 years older too. I don't exactly have the best relationship with my dad either, but trust me, I know for sure that I am not dating an older guy for security reasons or to have a quote-unquote a "father figurehead" in my life. The fact that when your friends commented on it and it really sticking in your head and bugging you like it has shows that maybe you might fear that you really do. You should sit down and go over in your head ( or on paper) all of the great things and ways he makes you feel. If they are based on love and wanting to be a better person, live a happier life b/c of him etc.,then thats good. However if its all about security, being taken care of, safe, and learninig life lessons , etc, etc then I think that might answer your question. Especially if that coinsides with what you've never recieved from your real dad. For now don't worry. And if you know him and love him that well, then age will have nothing to do with it in the end. Because if he was only 2 years older and you had the exact same relationship with him, then you probably wouldn't think twice about you possibly only dating him b/c of his age. Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2008): here is what I see that no one has brought up;
(1)the fact that you are worried about what your friends think
(2) are outlining issues with your father yet in the same breath saying you did "fine" without him *which doesn't ring true
(3) are questioning why you are attracted to your boyfriend
all seem to me like red flags not so much for your relationship but overall, for you.
I think that eight years is not a big deal with two mature, stable people. However, 19 IS young - even if you are "almost" 20, that is still not even drinking age in the USA and you are one or two years into voting in the USA- meaning, just out of being a minor. Pretty young.
My husband is seven years older than me but I never harbored the confusion, at the same time I must say, I was older then a teen when I met him.
Good luck and work on those issues first before worrying about the relationship.
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A
male
reader, uklothario  +, writes (20 December 2007):
My gosh, an 8 year old difference is nothing. My girlfriend is 20 (19 when we met) and I'm 44. So that's a 24-year old difference and I think she has a daddy complex. We've been together almost 1 year and things are going well. The vast majority of her friends are very, very supportive and even flirt with me. Their boyfriends are also typically my age too. The only one to say anything negative was a young australian girl. So, it may be a cultural thing too. Different countries view the age difference with more or less approval. Where I am (China) and surrounding countries, this age difference is not a problem and even encouraged.I would find it very annoying if friends teased me about it. I think they are probably jealous. Hopefully, though, it is good natured teasing.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2007): 8 years is NOT a huge difference. You don't have a daddy complex, I don't think.
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female
reader, jadieb  +, writes (13 February 2007):
I hope u dont have a "daddy complex" as i like men who are older than me. I am 19 and currently like a man who is 11 years older than me. There is nothing wrong with it aslong as you are happy and it is what you want
Sounds like your getting treated well and are enjoying the relationship so i reckon you should just enjoy what you have instead of worrying about it
XX
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female
reader, Brij +, writes (5 February 2007):
My last boyfriend was 15 years older than me, and I'm 19 too... Older men can be more supportive, just as younger men can be more fun, but there is no way of stereotyping anything. If you have a good relationship, that's all that counts
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2007): My boyfriend is 33 years older than me and im not joking
do i have a grandad complex? lol
im 19 well 20 in a few weeks i ve always liked older dudes they're way better. plus loads of older men like younger girls/guys (delete where applicable) without sounding pervy there. theres more on the market for us lol. i can;t say anyone noticed we've been together two years so far and its all good.
love it girl its wicked. and everyone else is right 8 years is like nothing. unless you yourself are 8 then i think there maybe lol. ha ha ha
xxx
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female
reader, cd206 +, writes (30 January 2007):
 Your friends are just jealous that they can't get an older man. Eight years is nothing once you get to your age. Don't sweat it.
CD
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female
reader, willywombat +, writes (30 January 2007):
 Sweetie, it takes allsorts. Stop worrying!! If we all liked babyfaced men there would be a queue round the block for them!! Honestly we all have our personal preferences and, not meaning to patronise you but as you get older age becomes way way less of an issue.
x
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male
reader, Ponungalungb +, writes (30 January 2007):
 If you were dating me, they might say you had a "Daddy Complex." LOL. Since you're not (too bad for me), don't worry about it. 8 years is nothing. Fahgetaboutit!
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female
reader, AskEve +, writes (30 January 2007):
 Don't listen to your friends. You say you find him attractive, funny and incredibly sweet and he's only 8 years older than you so he is too young to be your father. You're with him because you like more mature men, simple as that. You're not alone, lots of women out there feel exactly the same as you do, (myself included, my husband is 14 years old than I am), it's perfectly normal and perfectly acceptable. If your mom was 40 years old and was dating a man of 48 would you think he was old enough to be her father? I rest my case!
Enjoy your time with him and I hope you'll be very happy together for a long time to come.
I wish you both all the very best.
Eve
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