A
female
age
30-35,
*ynx
writes:This is not the first time Ive had this issue. This is just the first important relationship Ive had it in.Im kinky. Im the type of kinky that you see in porn. I love to be held down, spanked, forced to do whatever my partner desires. Being helpless in a sexual way is the biggest turn on to me. None of this really sums it up though. Some of what I like is just downright bizarre and would freak most people out. No mild light bondage play here.Now I know that a lot of people would never go for this. And thats ok. BUT WHY must every boy I get involved with tell me, when I spill that this is who I am and this is what I like, that yes they like it too and in time itll happen. Blah blah blah. Time passes nothing ever happens. If its not too serious of a relationship I just figure, oh well, not the one for me.This time Ive been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years. We've both already discussed marriage, kids, the whole nine yards. Im sure this is the one, theres no doubt in my mind. Other than of course the issue with kinky sex, something I must experience at least once or twice.Ive asked and asked to try something kinkier than anal, something like actually involving tying me down. I dont want to start big scary bondage, but handcuffs or rope would be nice at least. Maybe a little dominating play? He never wants to try anything. Im too frail, he might hurt me. I once dressed up in vinyl on his lunch hour and he just said it wasnt him and didnt want to touch me. Anything to do with changing up our sex life he claims he isnt ready for. He insists he is happy with how things are now and once we cross the line, theres no going back and hes not ready to do that yet.So Im happy hes not bored with me even after 2 years, but um, why not even a LITTLE play around? Will it ever happen?Whats worse is this:We're both porn addicts. We look at it more than an hour EVERY day, no joke. Most of it is pretty kinky stuff too.I know porn is a fantasy and he may not want to do everything he sees. Im the same, not everything do I want to go and do. But theres a reason I look at the stuff I do, because I like it.Why, even though he looks at it online everyday, wont he try anything with me? Im beginning to think he doesnt really like it after all and Im TOO kinky for him. Not the first boy this has happened with.We finally did some intense oral a little bit ago. Not even sex, just oral. Afterwards he couldnt say he liked it, just that it shocked him I would actually enjoy something of that sort. He didnt believe I really did because hes never met a girl who actually likes really rough, porn-like stuff. I insisted I really really did like it. NadaI've tried sending him dirty messages, pictures, going to sex shops to look for handcuffs or anything to start out with, talking dirty... hes just "youre cute". He wont even try to get into it even a little.Im begging here, before he proposes (he mentioned to family about 8 months ago he was going to do it in a year from then) that he either tell me he doesnt like what I do so I dont marry someone whom will never try anything Im interested in or for him to open up and try at least something different.What do I do?
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male
reader, ScottsCove +, writes (5 October 2010):
 Hmmm, sounds like he could be a lame lover.Might want to rethink that "until death do us part" commitment with paychecks, joint accounts, property and who gets the dog or cat if this doesn't work out.If he loves you and wants to be with you , just ask him to be honest and can he "dominate you in this way" or is he just a type B personality that takes orders, and doesn't give them. Not all men are cut out to be linebackers or Free Safeties. It's a big world and takes all kinds.If he's really type B and you need Type A, you'd better keep looking. Marriage is until death us do part but Divorce is forever.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2009): Well... I have some of my own "unique" intrests that are big turn offs for many people because im an extreme sadist and I admit that this is a morbid pleasure but I havent found any one who likes my "little" hobby, so I do hope that you will find some one who likes the same things you do, best of luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2008): I agree with the Philosopher, but I want to add one thing. I'm a dom, and I remember, when I was new to the scene, how nervous I was about starting things. I felt like my ignorance could hurt someone, or make things less enjoyable for them (less serious but still embarrassing). Your boyfriend might be feeling the same nervousness. Here are some things that helped me:
- going to conventions and taking classes (I'm an academic from a family of academics; this really helped)
- going to clubs and watching scenes
- going to munches and talking about fantasies and ideas and experiences with other dominant people
- planning my first scenes in advance, very precisely, with a lot of input from my partners
- doing scenes with other, more experienced people present (if not involved)
It can be a bit nerve-wrecking to be in control when you're new, and don't yet have a lot of confidence in your skill. but practice really does help.
Best of luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2008): All of your actions and desires appear to have been exactly the right things ... easing him into the ideas etc, except for one: communication. You haven't actually spoken to him about it in the same manner in which you write about it. The lack of honesty is, I think, what's holding your relationship back. You already tried to drop some pretty obvious hints and like most guys he'll probably need to be hit over the head with it before he gets it. Don't be aggressive, but just tell him the truth: tell him exactly what you want to try and why, then do whatever it takes to make him happy, too. Ask him what his desires and secret fantasies are. That should help things along. Couldn't hurt.
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A
male
reader, ChiRaven +, writes (5 September 2008):
 Your essential sexual identity is bound up in your position as a submissive, to a rather significant extent. Frankly, I'm afraid that you are not going to be happy in the long run with a "vanilla" husband any more than a lesbian would with a man. You have spent considerable time and energy trying to convince your boyfriend to give your lifestyle a try, and it just isn't appealing to him. So although it pains me (and will undoubtedly pain you) to say this, I'm afraid you are going to have to let him go.
(If you were 40 years older I could suggest a really GOOD match for you, but that's neither here nor there. This isn't that kind of a site!)
Lest self-doubt start to creep in, please be assured that everything you've said here is 100% normal. The days when these things were considered psychologically pathological are, thankfully, well behind us, along with the days when psychologists asserted that masturbation was associated with mental illness.
If you want a nice mild alternative to hard handcuffs or rope that your guy might buy, there are "cuffs" that velcro around your wrists and ankles and are very soft. They are every bit as effective, but much gentler looking. And they fit well with a couple of other systems (under the bed, over door frames, etc.) that give you endless possibilities. See if something like that, a milder version, is something the two of you can agree on. You might get him started yet. But frankly I wouldn't hold out too much hope.
You need to get out of this relationship, I'm afraid, and establish yourself as an independent person. Then start looking for a partner who will share your interests. They are not all that common, but they are not impossible to find either. In any sizable city there are likely to be groups of people who are "in scene" and can be depended on at least for support, if not for introductions to others of like mind, and a few places have formal clubs that you might be invited to join that would give you an entree into this community. (I can give you further information via private mail if you need it.)
This is a very sad thing. But this part of your sexual identity is not something that you should take lightly. It's a very important part of who you are. If you try to suppress it, you will be sorry later on. (I really wish I had better news here, but some people simply ARE vanilla, and such people rarely change if they don't do it when they have a chance in the beginning.)
Good luck. Let us know how this turns out. We're pulling for you.
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A
female
reader, Philosopher  +, writes (5 September 2008):
You say you both like to look at kinky porn. This is an indication that he probably does like it.
Going from fantasy to real life is a big step - some people can't take that step. Try to break it down into smaller steps as possible.
He needs a lot of reassurance that you really are ok with this.
It's harder when you can't imagine why someone would like that stuff done to them if you wouldn't like to have it done to yourself (even if you would like to do that to someone).
I'm Dominant, and when you are with someone you like - you don't want to hurt them (as in emotionally or doing something that will damage them or going too far for their comfort level). This is especially true for the first few times you are doing something new.
He may be feeling guilty about enjoying the kink. I would suggest you get some books and films on the subject (not porn). That will make him more comfortable that it is ok for him to like kink, that it is ok to act out fantasies so long as they are safe, sane and consensual.
Perhaps you should meet with other kinky couples so he can talk about his concerns with other Dominants and submissives.
Once he is feeling more comfortable with his desires, thoroughly plan a mild scene. Perhaps he will handcuff you (with release tabs) and give you a light spanking. Have safewords and have a conversation afterwards reassuring him that you did enjoy it and addressing any concerns. He should do the same for you.
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