A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, a new girl started at work recently and we seem to get on well. She seems quite shy so i've been chatting to her when I can and just trying to get to know her a bit. A group of us from work are going out this weekend so I was looking forward to spending some time with her outside of work and possibly asking her out for a drink. Anyway, I overheard her talking today about a guy she met last weekend and has been on a date with this week. She sounded keen on him, but obviously they've only had the one date. So my question is, how do I play this now? I wouldn't be interested if she was in a relationship but as she only met him last weekend, I don't feel that it would be wrong to try to take it further, but am not sure how, or if I should just accept that i've missed the boat, and move on?Any advice would be much appreciated! Thanks.
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at work, move on, shy Reply to this Question
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male
reader, doublejack  +, writes (12 April 2012):
Office relationships are definitely a bad idea, generally speaking. The potential for creating drama, awkward situations and hard feelings is a risk that needs to be carefully considered. So before you decide this is something you really want to pursue (you can meet a woman anywhere, what is it about THIS ONE?) I advise you think long and hard about pursuing her. You could be seeing this woman 5 days a week for a very long time, she isn't a stranger you just met at a club.
Now that I've covered that ground, I'll say that I have some experience in this area. In the summer of 2010 I courted and later dated one coworker (we no longer work together), and I dated another one for six months, which ended in November. Her and I are still working together and are on good terms, we even went to dinner last Friday. My rules for this are:
1. Establish a friendship first. I know this breaks one of the cardinal rules of dating - avoiding the dreaded "friend zone" - but because you work with this woman you need to get a very good idea of her personality before you proceed. You need to get some insight into how she'll react if things don't work out, as statistically that's the likely outcome when two people date. By becoming her friend you will also learn a lot more about her, thereby seeing whether the two of you are even compatible in a basic way.
2. Let her make the first move. She doesn't have to be the one to ask you out, but let her at least give a clear, undeniable sign of interest. If you have any doubt whether she's interested, then it isn't a good idea to even ask her on a date.
I value my career, so that's why I came up with those two guidelines. So far they have served me well.
PS - I wouldn't be too worried about the recent date she just went on. Odds are that won't work out, and if anything it gives you time to get to know her and not feel pressured to "jump in" and ask her out right away. Best of luck!
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (12 April 2012):
 For now you have missed the boat...be friendly but if her new relationship takes off then you will know for sure that she is out of bounds...that's life...full of dissapointments. We don't always get what we want.
Also I agree with workplace romances being akward. If you dated her and broke up...it creates a whole new dynamic to have to cope with...so think carefully about jumping in.
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A
female
reader, Deagan +, writes (12 April 2012):
 My advice is to steer clear of in-office/work relationships. Those do not typically work out. Also, she's the new girl, you might overwhelm her if already she has new co-workers trying to ask her out. Lastly, you might be putting her in an uncomfortable situation considering she might be one of those people, like me, who would never want to get involved with any sort of coworker.
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