A
male
age
,
*lueeyess
writes:I love my exgrlfriend more than ever now.I have never been an abusive man ever in my life,I lightly slapped her before we broke up,only cause i have her father telling me to get out of her life,jobs are few and far to find,and she listens to her controlling friend at work,(who made her cry for 6 months,picking on her mentally)She is my best friend,we did everything together before,now she mentions her dogs as her kids,Im a big guy6ft7,265lbs,Ive seen ads on here that guys never change from abusive nature,well something in our relationship made me do this and i wana know why.Id die for her,shes is only 5ft3,And i have 5 sisters and 2 brothers,i never hit my sisters ever.ever! I LOVE THIS WOMAN!
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at work, best friend, broke up, my ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Auntie Amber :)  +, writes (27 January 2013):
 You're welcome :)
A
male
reader, blueeyess +, writes (24 January 2013):
blueeyess is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDUPLICATE thank you for youre help especiall aunti amber,her words come from the heart,thank you again amber,johnny
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A
male
reader, blueeyess +, writes (24 January 2013):
blueeyess is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your help especially auntie amber, her words come from the heart, thank you again amber, Johnny.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2013): It isn't something in the relationship that made you hit her, its something in YOU.
You need to take responsibility for your actions and your lack of self control. Not be blaming it on something outside of you when it was you that hit her.
Clearly you blame her for your feelings. That's not fair as you are responsible for controlling and dealing with your own feelings.
Is it anger, shame, frustration that you felt when you hit her? What was the emotion and thoughts going on in your mind right before you raised your hand to her? That would be the place to start looking for the reason why you assaulted her.
You are 6'7" and she is 5'3". Shame on you. Why don't you pick on someone your own size.
It does not matter how much you think you love her, she does not feel loved by you because instead of being her provider and protector you became her attacker. Keep this up and she will find another man to protect her - against you. Love gets overridden by dysfunctions.
Ok you want to know why you hit her? Because you lack self control and you are overwhelmed by some negative self talk (possibly shame) which you blame her for causing. That's my take on this. You should see a therapist to understand yourself better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2013): You have an amazing ability to to empathize with how rough her life is and yet you can't empathize with your own actions?
Why did you do what you did?
Personally, I think you saw that she was responding more to her dad and her friend at work than to you. You felt powerless and that feeling made you so angry you hit here.
It's not "something in your relationship," that made you hit her, it's just you and you have to own up to it. You might start with an apology and an acknowledgement of why you did what you did to her. It probably won't win her back, but it might make you feel a bit better about where you are now and give you direction.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2013): It depends what you mean. I slapped my girlfriend silly a while ago, but it was on her ass. We have playful slap fights sometimes too but I have never raised my hand to her in anger that's abuse.
OP once can be a mistake, it doesn't make you an abuser if at your age this is the first time. But it does mean this woman makes you so crazy that you lose complete control and do things completely out of character. In other words she's not good for you right now and maybe not ever. And frankly OP you sound very fucking unhinged at the moment and volatile, calm down. Maybe you're like this at the moment because of the break up, but you really need to take a long, deep breath and take some time away from this woman and give yourself time to calm the hell down.
You need to calm down and relax, it's not okay to hit a woman like that but it's not the end of the world and it doesn't make you an evil person. I've defended myself against quite a few women, and even knocked one out who attacked me with a weapon. no problem, they don't get a free pass to attack me physically because they're women. My point is OP, you're not some psycho-murderer, you're a guy in a very fucked up situation that lost it and you need to make sure you don't put yourself in that situation again so you need to stay away, at least for the moment because you still sound very messed up.
OP relationships can make us crazy, that kind of emotion has led men and women to kill, people who normally wouldn't hurt a fly, there is no one that hasn't done something completely out of character and messed up in this kind of situation, so don't beat yourself up too much about it but do everything in your power not to do it again, and go talk to someone you know or a counsellor and talk these feelings out before you fucking explode OP.
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A
female
reader, Auntie Amber :) +, writes (22 January 2013):
Hello Blueeyess Firstly obviously you've done wrong and i am in no way condoning your actions at all, i was in an abusive relationship for 3 years and then every relationship after that untill now.Anyways, there is a difference between being abusive and having a heated argument and acting out of character....Its clear that you and your EX girlfriend were recieving alot of difficulties and stress from other people outside of the relationship and it clearly affected the way you two communicated with each other, sometimes when stress builds up for a long time we do act out of character and we do things we would never dream of doing, these are called mistakes, my advice darling is LEARN FROM IT!if you are really very concerned and you feel asthough it may happen again then seek professional help cause in all fairness i can only speak from my past experiances...Right about your EX, you need to understand that if you havent done anything like this before, she is obviously very frightened, confussed, scared and she may feel very lonely at the moment, sounds to me like she has several people in her life who are only bringing her down, all you can do is appologise to her and express to her how you dont understand why it happened etc..Its true what they say though actions speak louder than words and time is a great healer, so be patient, remember you are in the wrong though..If she truely loves you she will forgive you, but never will she forget..Take Care and i hope my advice comes good for you in the end..
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 January 2013):
 You put your hands on her. That *is* abusive. Your reasons frankly are so ridiculous that I fear for your ability to have a healthy relationship with anyone in the future if you don't realize that YOU are the only one to blame for putting your hands on her, and YOU should be filled with such an internal horror that that is even in you to do that to someone you love.
Her father puts pressure on you, and you hit her.
You're having trouble finding a job, and you hit her.
She has tough friends, and you hit her.
WHAT?! Yeah, you should be asking yourself why you hit her. No, you didn't "lightly slap" her. You STRUCK her. You ASSAULTED her. You BATTERED her. You HIT her.
Nothing *MADE* you do it. You chose to do it. You chose to act on an impulse, and the fact that stress made you do it should cause you to drop every goal you've ever had in your entire life and find out some way...WITH PROFESSIONAL HELP...to ensure that you NEVER in your entire life ever put your hands on another woman again unless she's coming at you with a knife.
Get professional help to deal with that, or you may find that the next time you put your hands on a woman, you could kill her, or get thrown in jail with an assault charge, and trust me, job prospects will be much more bleak if it comes to life that you are a domestic abuser.
This is a crisis of your life. Get intensive and immediate help.
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