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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Ok, a few hours ago, I posted about feeling awful because I lied to my ex and now I lost him.I had lied several times concerning my past. The thing is he was very jealous about it. For instance, if a song by a band that one of my ex crushes liked played on the radio, my now ex would get moody.So he was judgemental about the guys I kissed, the guys I liked, etc. I was a virgin until we started dating. I had however given a bj to an ex fwb years before meeting my now ex.My ex was my first boyfriend. We got along great because he and I had a lot of stuff in common, like musical taste, intelectual interests, spiritual beliefs, political views and most values. However, he couldn't take the fact that in my past I had a fwb who used me, and I forgave him and continued the friendhip (it was ironically through this ex fwb that I met my now ex). That I continued a friendship with a guy who used to have a crush on me, or that I had two drunken make out sessions with guys I had just met at some parties. All of this happened prior to meeting him.When we first started dating, I used to tell him everything, even some stuff from my past, but he got angry and told me not to tell him anything about my past as he got angry easily and was very jealous, so I better kept it quiet. I said nothing.However, six months into the relationship and he got jealous of my ex fwb (who also was his friend at the time). He asked me if I had ever had something with that guy. I said I hadn't. He asked again, I said I did. He called me awful names, treated me like crap, with a houlier-than-thou attitude.After this, he started throwing it in my face each time he could. I stopped talking to this friend. He started inquiring about my past and I stopped talking to the guy who used to crush on me, or guys who I had crushed on. I even stopped talking regularly to my gfs because he thougt they were bad influences for me. I was lonely.As he got this mad and resentful towards what i had told him, I started fearing his violent reactions. So I started lying because I hated being judged on my past. He even got mad because I had played spin the bottle and given a peck to a guy like 3 years before meeting him.I lied about some stuff, to avoid drama. I wanted to focus on the present and the future, but he kept asking and getting mad over minor details about the past. If, for instance, he asked me at what club had I kissed a certain guy, he made nasty remarks each time we passed by that club. of course I was banned of going there... actually, I was banned of going out at all, because he thought I would cheat on him. However, I did tell him the truth about some lies, and he got mad but forgave me. However, kept throwing everything on my face, even things I had told him straight out without lying. He made me feel like crap about my past.I never cheated. however, I had stopped talking to the guy who crushed on me. I saw him at the university though. And one day he started talking to me. This guy used to create nasty rumous about girls, so if I blew him off like that, he may have started some fake rumour about me, and he knows my ex's brother. So I talked to him in fear that if I didn't, he'd make up some rumour.But my ex thought I didn't talk to him. i talked to him (on IM mostly) behind his back. Only for a few weeks. Then I blew him off. Also, this guy had confessed his feelings a long time before I met my ex. That time, he gave me a peck. Later I kept talking to him because back at the time I was naive and thought he was a real friend, and I didn't wanna lose his friendship or see him suffer because of my unrequited feelings towards him. I didn't even know my ex back then.However, I had kept these two things from my ex. So yesterday I confessed them. So he broke up with me.Now I feel awful because of this. He said he feels like I stabbed him several times. I understand he doesn't wanna be with me anymore, I just feel like crap about myself because I lied and think I'm awful. Am I?
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broke up, crush, drunk, jealous, my ex, university, violent Reply to this Question
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female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (17 May 2008):
 He needs to grow up most people have a past and yours aint all that bad. God my hubbies past makes your ears bleed and whilst I was jealous at first I realised that it doesnt have any bearing on our relationship in any way. Why did it hurt?? Because you want to feel as though you are the only one your partner has ever touched, loved etc etc, but thats not reality. Tell him to get over it if you want him back but maybe you need someone a bit more mature x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2008): Damn, every where I go I come across you. You know what I think about your "Saint" of a boyfriend.
Next time I see a post from you, I want to be reading about something else...Like "I'm going out with a new guy, how should I play it" or "My ex keeps bothering me so what do I do"
I'm heartless, I know... Your hurting cause you put so much love and effort into this relationship. I think he's a jerk for letting you go... It's just that every time I hear about this guy, I wanna scream.
Oh and another thing. YOU DIDN'T TELL A LIE. You just gave into emotional blackmail. He didn't wanna hear the truth, so you told him a story. What the hell was you supposed to do.
Your past is your past. It belongs to you and nobody else. It is your memories, your experiences, it's what has made you the sensitive, thoughtful person you are today.
Don't stop posting, I guess you need to get it all out and you gonna need more time to see how lucky you've been that his left... I ain't gonna bother you no more, until I see you asking a more interesting question.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088  +, writes (17 May 2008):
 As I posted to your other question, no you are not awful. And even not knowing the things you lied about it turns out I was right, your ex is an insecure prick. How were you ever happy with this guy...??? He got jealous over spin the bottle from 3 years ago.. come now. You are so lucky to be rid of him. He actually shows a lot of signs of an abuser and obviously has already verbally abused you. Count your blessings you are rid of him and keep going. You are not awful so stop. This is what abusers do, they put you down and make you feel terrible about yourself and like everything is your fault. He judged you and made you feel guilty for everything you did before you even knew him.... And he told you who you could and couldn't talk to. He was controlling your life and you need to realize it. You are a great girl you just got stuck with a loser for a little while. It happens to the best of us but do NOT let him have any affect on your happiness or self esteem. He is not worth it. Good luck, sincerely.
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