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female
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anonymous
writes: I am 21 and when I first started dating my boyfriend I told him I was a virgin but really I had slept with one person before him. He has spent the last four months of our wonderful relationship thinking he was my first. But we are getting serious now and looking towards a future together and I couldn't live with the guilt of not being honest because I expect total honesty from him, so today I told him. He was crushed that I had lied to him for so long. I told him it was before I met him and it honestly meant nothing to me compared to what I have with him, I also said that I didn't want to ruin his view of me when we first started dating and then later we were having so much fun spending time and getting to know eachother that I didn't want to ruin it.I ended the conversation saying "I love you and I am so sorry for lying to you, we seem to be getting really serious and I dont want there to be any lies between us so I really had to tell you this and I hope you can forgive me." He was understandably really upset that I had lied and asked me to leave. I called him later to appologize again and he said he was really angry and told me not to call him for a couple of days because he needed time to get over this. I am really worried that I've just ruined the best relationship I've ever had and hurt a really good person, any advice about how best to handle this and how to help him to move on and not hold it against me would be much appreciated.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2007): The damage is done. You may never know how much you have hurt this person. He may never be able to trust you again. The same thing happened to me. My wife lied to me for 9 years, and it still hurts that she couldn't be honest with me. It's an awful thought that doesn't go away, and I wonder if she is being completely honest about her past with me even now.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2007): Well , at least you told , this was the best thing to have done. You now have a clear conscience and the ball is in his court now.
I guess youll just have to wait and see what happens now.
Hope everything goes alright
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2007): My wife and I have known each other for 9 years, and been maried for 5 years. Since we began dating and all through our marrage she told me that I was her first. She recently had the need to confess that she was not a virgin when she met me. I am crushed and my heart is broken. I can't understand why she lied to me for all those years. The lie is what hurts more than any thing else. It's like she tricked me into being with her for all these years. I gave her my virginity and I thought that that she gave me her virginity. That was somhting that I treasured and now and now unfortunatly I think less of my wife. I still love her, but at hte same time I hate her. I feel cheated.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2006): it really seems you didnt get it; it doesnt matter if she is or not a virgin, the problem is that SHE LIED TO HIM FOR MONTHS!...thats what hurts, and thats what he will have to let go, in order to be in peace again.
And by the way lady, who are the ones who really so much value to virginity? who are those who care so much for lying about it? who are those who are afraid of being called a whore just because they have an activ sex life? Sorry, but it really bothers me to read something SO OUT OF THE SUBJEST and again going back to the old fashioned sex war of the 70s. Grow up.
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female
reader, purrfectionist84 +, writes (11 January 2006):
 Why is it so important to him whether you were a virgin? Was he a virgin???
(As a side note, it really nags me that it's considered socially acceptable for guys to have multiple sex partners, even at an early age, yet women are expected to have few, if any, partners, and in some cases, are even expected to be virgins at marriage!)
You did the right thing by being honest with him, though it shouldn't matter whether or not you were a virgin. It's not like you were hiding something worse from him, such as a sexually contracted disease or a child from a previous relationship! Hopefully, he will come to his senses, remember that he has something great with you, and realize that it isn't worth letting this incident come between you. But he needs to do that on his own, without any convincing or persuasion on your part. Until then, give him the time and the space that he needs to think this over. If he loves you, he'll be contacting you soon. As the first responder pointed out, real love is about forgiveness (among other things).
Bev's response was fantastic, by the way. Make sure you pay attention to what she is saying. She makes a lot of great points.
Good luck and best wishes!
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (11 January 2006):
 Personally, I think he's making too big an issue over this. Yes, you did tell a lie, but the real issue --surely-- is that you love him and wanted to correct the error of judgement you made when you first met.
It sounds a lot to me like his ego took a blow when he found out that he wasn't your first, and now he's having to replay your entire sexual life in his head, thinking "Oh no. She's comparing me to HIM!" and worrying that he's not going to measure up. Sigh.
Just a hunch.
Nevertheless, and in spite of the fact that I think it's a tempest in a teacup, your boyfriend thinks it's important. Therefore, back away and give him some time. Don't call or text. You've said all that you can. You've apologised for lying in the first place. Hopefully, you've explained why you lied.
Now the ball's in his court. If this misjudgement and lie is enough to completely destroy his love for you, then it suggests that the affection from his end was a bit tenuous a best.
I believe that if you give him a week or a couple of weeks to compare 'Life Without You' to 'Life As Before', he'll probably come around and realise that being with you is better than the alternative.
Just one thing to be cautious of. Although you're culpable of lying and will definitely need to work to regain his trust, you should NOT let him throw this incident back in your face, either as a condition of his returning, or because he loses control during an argument. If he comes back and accepts that you have a past --Whoa, big surprise. Not.-- then he has to also accept that you can't change that past. You shouldn't allow him to make you feel guilty in future over this.
Remember, you can't make someone love you. If he doesn't come back when he's done nursing his emotional wound, then you should accept it, and be prepared to chalk this up to experience. (But I think he will come back.)
P.S. No lies in future... right?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2006): you need to give him space and let him come to you, after all you lied, which is a real good way to start off a relationship. why would you lie about something so trivial?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2006): Just give him the time that he needs! Sounds like he needs to cool off. You have apologized and told him how you feel. If he loves you as much as you love him, then he should be able to forgive you! That's what "real" love is also about..."forgivness". He should appreciate the fact that you came clean and told him the truth, as its pretty plain the guilt was eating you up inside.If he can't get pass this then maybe "you" should slow the relationship down and not become so serious with this guy. Especially if he is not the forgiving type. Do you really want to continue on with someone who couldn't forgive you? We are only human and we all make mistakes!Good Luck hun!
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