A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 7 months now. When we first got together i lied about how many sexual partners i had had. Since then, I have lied to him about 2 or 3 more times, letting only a little bit more information slip but not telling him the full extend to my sexual history.Yesterday i told my boyfriend everything, all the grueling details. I dont know why i lied, i was ashamed of my past, and had got used to telling everyone a lie. Whne i got with my boyfriend 7 months ago, i lied to him too. I think after that, i was scared he would judge me for the decisions i made, and i didnt want him to probe into my past sexual partners too much because it upsets me and maked me feel very uncomfortable.Now of course, my boyfriend thinks im still holding some information back and i dont know what to do. It breaks my heart knowing how much damage i have caused and i just want to earn his trust again.Waht can i do to earn his trust, and how can i make this up to him? Do you think its important to know about your partner's sexual history? would you forgive a partner who had lied to you?
View related questions:
sexual past Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2009): I have had some experience of this from my partner. On one hand I didn't have aproblem with this because on some issues she just said she had some experiences but did nt want to share them with me at that time. That is very reasonable and quite within her right. I had no problem with that. In time she actucally shared quite a lot with me but had it all come out at the beginning i would have been a bit wary. About one particular thing she actually lied to me about her sexual experience with with one partner. This came out a couple years after when for no apparent reason she told me the truth. this left me feeling a bit concerned on a number of levels, mainly the fact that in what what I had considered to be a really open and honest relationship she had lied to me about something that she didn't need to lie about, it had happened over twenty years before, so why did she lie. At the other extreme was why having lied and knowing i would never find out the truth had she told me the truth now. we talked about all of this and I have an understanding of her thoughts about it and am ok. Wehave a great loving relationshipIn short there are two main points:There is a big difference between not saying and lying about itNow you have told the truth explain the reasoning behind and show him you trust and respect him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wanted to point out, i had been avoiding as much as possible telling the whole truth. But i told my partner now because we were planning on moving in together, and i dont want him to feel trapped in a situation with me, i want him to have the choice to break up with me.
As much as i feel ashamed, its more important to me that he is happy, and althought i knew short term i'd really hurt him, i knew i would damage him more if i waited any longer. If i have done too much for him to carry on, i wanted him to be able to end it without having to consider where to live.
...............................
A
female
reader, Carrot2000  +, writes (9 November 2009):
 Is he upset because you lied or is he upset over the number of men you've slept with? If he's upset over the lie, the first thing you have to do is let him know that his feelings are legitimate and that you understand his point of view. Try to understand why he is so upset - directly acknowledge his feelings ("you are angry and you have every right to be upset, because what I did was wrong."). If you can make him feel understood--and stating that what you did was wrong--he may be more likely to listen to your side of the story and eventually forgive you.
Before you expect him to come to terms with your sexual history, take some time to understand why you may have done the things you did in the past.Then forgive yourself and acknowledge that you know more now than you did before and will use this information to move your life in a different direction.
That said, in the future if a guy asks you about how many sexual partners you've had, you have a right to refuse to divulge this information. Just say that you have no interest in talking about your past relationships and want to focus on your future with him. There is no right answer you can give a man who would even ask that question: if you say 2 men, you're a liar, if you say 10 men, you're a slut. You can't win. Your sexual history is YOUR past and you have a right to establish a boundaries around the discussion of it.
...............................
A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (9 November 2009):
 why is it that the most socially advanced cultures on Earth are worried about how many partners you have?
1. If he judges you negatively and you haven't put him at health risks, etc., then he is not worthy of your love and commitment.
2. You shouldn't have to own up to that fact, unless you forced him to own up to that fact first. If you didn't then he is disrespecting you for asking and actually caring about the number.
3. You shouldn't be with such an insecure man.
Honestly,unless you have STDs the number of people you slept with does not matter.
Don't date judgemental guys, seriously. Especially something that unimportant (barring STDs).
A relationship with all the riches given in the world does not make it a good one if there is general lack of affection and trust from either party.
Personally, I wouldn't care. I would forgive etc., because you having sex with other guys before you met me has no bearing on how you are with me here and now.
If he berates you at all for the number of people you sleep with prior to him, after you tell him, leave him.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2009): Read metalsman's answer. It shows why this stuff is not harmless to lie about.
...............................
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (9 November 2009):
 Ouch, that's a tough situation. To be honest, guys in your boyfriend's situation come on this site having been lied to in this way. And the majority of them can't trust afterwards, and end up breaking up :( Your boyfriend may be able to get over this, but don't underestimate how hard this will be for him. All he has to go on is that you've lied many times about this, and his instincts will be a mix of horror (at your past behaviour) and a strong feeling that you're still not telling the truth. There is for many men nothing more painful than being lied to in this way, and nothing more destructive to trust. It's different for women, this is a distinctly male reaction.
In terms of the future (and any future relationships), it's essential that you don't lie about your past: as you have discovered. But at the same time it's also a good idea to not give too much information, because information just tends to upset your boyfriend. My suggestion is to agree on a 'don't ask, don't tell' policy, agreeing that it's not good information to share because it's upsetting. Then you can be truthful without revealing details.
If your boyfriend wants help with coping with this information, please check my post history, as i provide advice on this subject often.
Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, metalsman +, writes (9 November 2009):
 Hello anonymous,
I can share your dilema with this.the only difference being i'm on the other side of the fence in so far as having been "drip fed" details of my wife's sexual history over a 25 yr period!! She was the same age as you seem to be when all this originally happened and she'd had a succession of partners before me from one night stands to sordid college flings and living with guy's she only just started relationship's with..She was my first.
The net result of which is this..had i known what i know now, and the kind of person she acted as then, there's no way i would have married/stayed with her as i feel that she's decieved me into thinking she was someone else and denied me the opportunity of making a choice based on full knowledge of her actions before we were together.
I commend your decision to make your current boyfriend aware of the situation at this early stage, it will hopefully serve you well to re-establish the bond you need together.
If you want to contact me further pleasse feel free to do so and i'll provide more details.
Good Luck..
...............................
A
male
reader, DrSweetlove +, writes (9 November 2009):
Your history is totally irrelevant. It's a trick of the ego. The only thing that matters is how you treat each other NOW! If you care for him, help him through life's struggles, and be his best friend then you are doing well. Personally I care WAAAAAY more about a girl taking care of my heart then I care about what she did in the past. Change your focus and if you really love him REALLY LOVE HIM!!
...............................
A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (9 November 2009):
 Hey, I don't think there is anything much that you can do to earn his trust again other than to keep everything open from here on out. The trust can only be given by him and like the little boy who cried wolf, you've lied to him and he now has to decide whether he thinks you're now telling the truth or not, regardless of whether you are.
If he loves you, he'll appreciate the fact that you've finally come clean to him, but it is anybody's guess how he'll react to the information now that he has it.
Some people can't cope with knowing their partners past, some people really don't mind what their partners past was. We've all got one either way. The fact that you lied about yours will probably be more damaging than if you'd actually just divulged the information to begin with, or just have said nothing about it rather than make up a lie.
I personally don't have a problem with my husbands past, he has more of one than I do, but its no secret. I had the choice to take him on with that history. The problem with your partner is probably that he didn't have the choice to take you on with the truth, he thought you were someone else when he took you on, with regards to your history - he might now be wondering what else you lied about.
All you can do is see how things go from here. Try and be honest and open with him, make sure in the future you keep little to nothing back and just give it time. Time is a great healer for a lot of relationship issues.
Good luck xx
...............................
A
female
reader, rebecca197819 +, writes (9 November 2009):
 Hi,
Firstly everyone has a past!
so you made a mistake, everyone makes mistakes but you need to learn from your mistake, you didn’t tell him the truth straight away about how many sexual partners you have had, that is understandable as some people feel embarrassed by how many people they have bedded, to move forward you have already done the best thing in coming clean and being 100% honest with him it will take time for him to trust you but just keep reassuring him that you love him, and want to make a life with him, and let him know that from the day you met him it has only ever been him it will take time but if its meant to be it will be worth the wait.
Remember Honesty is the best policy
Rebecca x
...............................
|
