A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating my boyfriend for about 7 months. About a month ago, I found out that he lied to me about his age. He initially told me he was 35, and when we first began dating he made a really big deal about the age difference ("Are you sure my age isn't an issue?" to which I always said no because at that point I thought we were only 9 years difference). Turns out he's not 35, he's 47, which means he's 20 years older than me, not the 9 I originally thought. I love the man, and forgave him for this indiscretion with the understanding that there was nothing else he was hiding from me that I needed to know. Truth be told, if I had known from the start he was so much older than me, I would have never considered dating him - I'm still working to start my life and he's in the middle of his.OK. So there's that. So when this whole age thing happened, I asked him if he had been married (AGAIN...since I had asked him in the beginning if he had been married) and he again told me no. Well, something didn't feel right to me, so I did a little digging. I found his separation agreement in the house (that we share, by the way...we moved in together about 2 and a half months ago). It was hidden under some other stuff, and yes, I admit to snooping. Now, I've never been married, so that means I've never gone through the separation/divorce process. I have no idea how long all of this stuff takes to process, but the date on the papers was June...we started dating in April and moved in together in August.I confronted him with all of this. I was calm and rational, and he did what he always does when I catch him in a lie: he shut down. He grabbed his keys and started for the door, telling me he was leaving. And when I told him that we needed to talk about this and I didn't want him to leave, he snapped that "that's what all the others would do." Well, buddy, I'm not all the others. I'm a pretty understanding person. I know that people do stupid things for stupid reasons, like lying to the woman that you profess to love about a woman you were married to, a woman that at one point you professed to love.I don't know what to believe anymore. And I don't know what to do. I told him when I found out about his previous marriage that he had one more strike with me. I told him that if I were to find out one more big thing in his life that he had kept from me that it would be over and I would be done.I know that the majority of the responses I'll get are going to tell me to leave him, that he's a lying loser, and that if he lied to me before he'll lie to me again. I know this. I truly do love the man. I care very deeply for him. Is there any salvaging this?
View related questions:
moved in Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2010): This is my post, and oh boy do I have things to tell you guys.
After the whole confrontation the first time, I did some more thinking and prepared myself to end it with him. And he did again what he always did, he shut down. And then he threatened to kill himself. So I called for backup. True, I should have called the cops, but I didn't think it needed to be done. I called my mother instead. So after he knew she was on the way, he diffused considerably and eventually just fell asleep.
The next day, I was still pretty concerned that he might do something to hurt himself. You have to take suicide talk seriously, even if you don't think it's real. So I talked to a counselor about the situation and she essentially told me it was a power play and that I needed to show him the door. That night, I called my mother and my uncle over to be my backup as I kicked him out, and he shut down and started faking a seizure. He was taken to the hospital, during which time I took back my cell phone that I had bought for him and the keys to the house. He was released from the hospital and WALKED 6 miles to where I was, demanding that I let him in the house and that he stay that that night and that I could stay with my mother. I called the cops...again, because they had been there for the seizure incident.
Very very long story short, salvaging things is the furthest thing from my mind. I know now (especially after the stunt this weekend) that this man is SERIOUSLY mental ill. I've packed all of his stuff, except for some things that were bought with the understanding that they were OURS for the house and a couple of items that were given as gifts. He's been emailing me telling me I'm a failure and making it sound like I'm the bad guy, like I'm the crazy one. Not hardly.
I'll keep you all posted if you'd like on the situation. But he has done this to at least 5 women that I know of now, and has not only been married TWICE before but also has 3 children. Unbelievable.
A
male
reader, Nithyanala  +, writes (23 October 2010):
 Some things really are not worth the effort. If I was in your place I wouldn't be giving this much of a thought. It's not just whether he may be a compulsive liar - it's that he's shown you a certain amount of disrespect by behaving the way he has.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2010): I vote that you should leave and not try to salvage this. He sounds like a compulsive liar.
Also, this is what got my attention: "he did what he always does when I catch him in a lie: he shut down. He grabbed his keys and started for the door, telling me he was leaving."
I bet he'll do this every time there is a confrontation. Don't let your heart be broken by this man. Good luck!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2010): Please,
Just move on!!! If a full grown man is so insecure about his age and previous marriage, how in the heck can you ever trust him!? He full well knew if he told you the truth that it probably wouldn't really work out. Yes, it's flattering, sorta like in a creepy way. Find a new bf, come on girl...........You don't need that bs.
...............................
A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (22 October 2010):
 Yes, why do you want to salvage this?
Ok, I don't think that lying about age and the marriage actually does mean he will lie about everything - I think it means he has a huge hang-up about his age, and he had a hang-up about his marriage. He thought that if you knew how old he was, and knew about his marriage, that you wouldn't want him. So, in a little boy kind of way, his 'plan' was that if he didn't tell you, you wouldn't know about it, and would want him. Simple, eh?!
And as for 'that's what all the others would do' - that is such blatant emotional blackmail it is almost funny.
Listen, this guy has the potential to make your life very disrupted, and unhappy, I think, because he isn't happy with himself, and isn't honest. His instinct is to hide things rather than trust you with them (mind you, he even got you on false pretences, as you said that indeed you wouldn't have dated him had you known his real age).
You are at different stages in your life. You've only been together 7 months. He cannot change his age, and he has shown that he is a difficult person and emotionally immature and manipulative.
Sorry, but my vote is also that you should cut yr losses, which aren't huge, and move swiftly on. Get out now, rather than later, when you will have wasted several years that could have been happy, with someone closer in age, who would be normal and build a family with you. Think about yr future ... in three years time or so, do you want to be snuggling up to a sexy young husband in your nice house with a beautiful baby sleeping in your room, or pandering to the emotional whims of a demanding 50 year old with a big chip on his shoulder? I know what I would rather be doing ... ; )
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2010): Why do you want to salvage this? His lies are inexcusable, and threatening to leave after you called him out for doing something big means he is playing a game with you, punishing you for his wrongdoing. Either he is just seeking to place blame on someone else, or he isn't emotionally ready to be in a relationship. Regardless, he was comfortable lying to you about major things. Do you think he won't be comfortable with lying about other things?
...............................
A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (22 October 2010):
 He's a liar and a manipulator. And you know this. This isn't one of those things where "love conquers all". You've only been with him for 7 months and already there have been 2 major issues. You already admitted his age is a problem. Why stay with him?
It may be tough to see, but he's with you because he knows he can manipulate you. Look at what he did when you found out about him being married. He played you. He KNEW doing that would make you ask him to stay. That puts the ball back into his court now. Instead of having to explain himself as to why he did it, you pretty much forgave him right then and there.
I commend you for not wanting to simply just give up. But where do you see such a relationship going? You already know in your gut and in your heart what to do already. Don't get any deeper into this. The longer you are there, there harder it will be.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2010): Wow I am your age and was in the EXACT same situation. If you want you can leave your email in the comment part and I can tell you the details and what it was like for me. Short version, is that it didn't end good though and was painful.
...............................
A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (22 October 2010):
 You're not even dating him a year. GET OUT!!!!!
He is lying about very HUGE things. These are big issues and you're making them very small - justifying this obviously to make yourself feel better & not break up with him.
He has some major issues hun, you need to leave. He could have a mental issue or he could be lying about all types of things...you're just setting yourself up to be hurt. Get out now while it is early and you haven't invested time in this.
...............................
|
