A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I just turned 21 and I've seriously let myself go. Basically I was abused and it got really bad when I was 17. The person is no longer able to hurt me and I've been to counselling but I sort of regressed into a frightened shell of a person and I lost all sense of myself and his from everyone and everything. I spawned bad habits like eating to cope and I stopped feeling worth anything so my hygiene (showers at least) became monthly rather than daily and I felt so low about myself that I didn't want to see my body and would only clean myself when I smelt really bad. I hated it but I also didn't want to see myself so I'd breakdown and either force myself or give up. I'm starting to get my life back on track and I'm going to college once a week which is difficult for a shut in but I want to do this to get out from under my past and I'm trying. The super bad news is that whilst I have no infections or anything (for which I'm lucky) I do have dirt that won't come off my feet, dry skin that won't get better and a smell that won't leave my armpits or feet.Long story short is that I'm thinking of going to my doctor to ask about these things except the weight that I'm trying to lose by myself but I'm terrified of being judged and feeling worse. I want to know how to correct these things but I'm scared. I've had the counselling but they only allowed eight sessions and said the rest is up to me to heal slowly since I'm still "at a delicate stage in my recovery and could fall back at any minute" to which she said they'd have another eight sessions with me if that happened.I don't know if I have a question just words of support I guess? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 February 2015):
 What you did was a defense mechanism.
If you were dirty and unattractive (in YOUR eyes) you would hopefully no longer be a target (or HIS target). IT was your camouflage for years.
Now that your abuser can no longer harm you, you feel it's time to come out of that shell you build. And it is.
Consider this. THE longer you MISTREAT yourself, the longer the ABUSER have a hold over you. THE longer it will be (and harder) before you get "yourself" back.
Start small. Start with something you CAN do. My old trainer told me, NEVER have zero days. A "zero day" is a day where you do zero.
So, get up, walk 30-45 minutes, then come home SHOWER. EVERY day. Let's say Sunday is the day where the walk/shower is not needed, but you ADD something else to Sundays. Like general grooming. trim your nails, shave your legs, pluck your eyebrows, do your feet (it's AMAZING what a difference a $2 pumice stone + foot cream can do to "not so hot" looking feet.)
DO go see your doctor. The smells on your feet/armpits CAN be fungal infection or bacterial infection and WILL clear up with treatment.
A doctor will NOT judge you - his/her job is to HELP.
Consider asking your doctor for support group info in your area or find it yourself. Having others to talk to HELPS and it sometimes helps a LOT more when talking to someone who has BEEN there, versus someone with a degree - With that I'm NOT saying that counseling isn't helpful, IT CAN BE one of the best tools, but support from a fellow survivor can also help a lot. Maybe because the support goes BOTH ways.
As for your food issues, they are harder to break. But it can be done. First... GET RID of all junk-food in your kitchen. READ up on portion control. Maybe even get a few magazines with cooking for diabetics (you may not BE a diabetic, but diabetic cooking is a good start and there is usually many options for HEALTHY yet decadent looking snacks that will help fill the void.) Water. EVERY time you feel like snacking (and it isn't a meal/snack-time but a "I want to eat to eat") have a glass of cold water. Then go brush your teeth. I know, brushing your teeth seem odd in this aspect, but most people DO NOT like to eat with freshly brushed teeth. Weird, but true.
NO more zero days. Baby steps. Don't let the abuser win. No more being a victim, BE a survivor.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 February 2015):
 You have to do something that every instinct mentally, physically, and spiritually is fighting against you:
You have to move.
The abuse in your life is causing you to lock up and shut away. You've done good things by having some counseling, and you have another 8 sessions at your disposal if you feel yourself faltering.
You have to decide whether you want to live or die. The dead curl up, neglect hygiene, and let themselves go. The good news is, no matter how much time has passed, the decision to live is still there for you every day! Doesn't matter if you haven't showered in a month! On the 31st day, you can decide you want to live, so you can jump in the shower and let the water cleanse your soul.
You need an ongoing support group as well as the therapy and professional help. You may feel alone, and physically, shutting yourself off like this, you may have been alone, but there is a silent community of many people like you, who have gone through abuse and trauma and have no way to pick up the pieces.
The "move" is physical. Even getting up and walking, or jogging, or biking, or stretching/yoga and deep breathing are wonderful for getting rid of toxins of the body and mind. You'll get sore in the beginning, but consider the soreness as the chains that are getting shoved off of you as you move.
Eating and sleeping are a big deal too. You say you medicated with food? Nasty fattening stuff can drag even a healthy mind down into depression. Get some clean protein in low-fat foods and take a multivitamin every day. Stay away from sweets, because the carbs and sugars can give you that awful "Crash" and then the sluggish feeling as the day progresses, which is not what you want at all.
My father always asked me "What is the best way to eat an elephant?" I'd ask "How?", and the reply is "One bite at a time".
You can't go from zero to healthy off the bat. It IS one bite at a time. It's one shower at a time. It's one walk at a time. One instance at a time where the abuse thoughts come in and you fight off the paralysis that comes with them.
Do your sessions, and I also recommend seeing about getting some sessions with a dietician as well to help you with good eating habits as you get better. You're 21, so your metabolism is still your friend. However, that won't be the case always.
It isn't enough just to talk to someone about your abuse. Talking is great mental reduction of pressure, but action to rejoin the living is an every day thing. You have to decide how much of your life that this abuse has the right to steal from you. Channel those bad feelings into something good. Do you have the power to reach out to help others who have suffered like you have?? Joining an online support group would be a big help in knowing that in your quest to move and live, you're not alone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2015): I was abused and no one believed me. It has the potential to haunt you forever, but you've just got to start loving yourself; I went and volunteered at a hospice, holding people's hands in their last days on this earth reminded me whatever had happened to me it wasn't happening any more. There were people who would give anything for life, to be able to walk and to talk and I could do all of these things. Relish the positives in your day, go and find out what brings you happiness. I found being outside and walking gave me peace, I go out every day even if it's pouring with rain! I also found I liked to run - which is a bonus for helping your health. I just run around my local woods and countryside taking in the beauty of everyday.Not every day will be easy, but find things that make you happy and tell yourself how thankful you are for those things. Don't force yourself to be happy when you're not, accept those feelings but empower yourself to realise you are more than your past, it doesn't define your future.Take up the counselling, and ask to be referred again if you need more. You have to be a bit pushy with the nhs sometimes for them to realise they need to do something!There is happiness, take the help and support that is offered and then go from there. You have nothing to be ashamed of and a lifetime ahead for you to put the past behind you x
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 February 2015):
 "how can they say 8 sessions and off you go ?".. The poster is British, SVC. I suppose it is an NHS thing. Don't get me wrong, I think that NHS is a must and a wonderful conquest of a modern society. At least, if you need a heart transplant or a cancer operation, they won't tell you, " sorry we can't help you because you have no insurance, or not enough money for the surgeon 's fees ", but, for all the rest.. anything that does not put you in immediate life danger ... they help as much as they can ( and as much as their programs are funded ) but they will surely not spoil and pamper you. That's sadly most true for some branches of medicine like mental health care and psychatric disease prevention. It is quite possible that the poster can have up to 8 sessions for free - and more only if turns out that she is REALLY in bad shape.
Anyway, OP, that should put your mind at ease somewhat- at least you know that, if you should really need more treatment, you can have 8 more sessions- and so on. But, since you HAVE made progress, and you ARE on the mend, it's not even a given that you will NEED them ( although I am sure that you would benefit anyway from some more psychological suppirt, reason for which that of looking for it online ,as SVC suggests, may be a very good idea ).
For the rest , a) pat yourself on the back for cooperating bravely to your recovery and taking steps toward it. Small steps, little baby steps even- but the important thing is that now you are moving forward and DOING things to make thngs better and heal your problems.
One of this steps MUST be seeing a doctor. Do not worry, they won't judge you or criticize or anything. Some would say that this is because people who choose to become a physician, with all the hard study, sacrifices and long hours which this entails , do it out of a sincere compassion and ardent wish to heal and assist ,which excludes harsh judgement. Some would say, more simply, that it's because after just a few years a doctor has seen the weirdest ugliest strangest things caused by any number of bad habits, bad alimentations, bad addictions, bad behaviour and whatnot, so imagine if they can be surprised or scandalized by a pair of smelly feet. It will be like : yawn, nothing new today too...
But, be as it may, no you won't be judged or ridiculed or anything. You will just be diagnosed,advised and helped, then it is up to you to follow through by taking regularly the medicine they will prescribe, adopting the lifestyle or dietary changes they suggest, etc.
Go there, explain your problem,try what they say- basically, it is simply that . I know it sounds like a major challenge to you right now but it is actually rather simple- it just requires that you GO there and TELL them what bothers you.
I also want to add that IMO what makes you feel your physical problems as so hopeless now, is your depression or anxiety or whatever it is that torments you, much more than factual truth. I am far from belittling your troubles , but , objectively, if they come from poor hygiene- reinstating a correct hygiene will fix them in short time.
Really, there's no dirt that can't EVER come off your feet, not even if you had worked 30 years barefoot in a coal mine. And there's no skin condition that a good dermatologist cannot IMPROVE , if not totally heal. I suppose that maybe what you mean is that because of neglect, you've got some scaly, rough skin, possibly on your heels , soles of your feet, elbows ,etc and yeah it takes some doing for getting it back in good shape once it shows- but it can be done,and it is normally done.
As for a persistent bad B.O.- that might come , for instance, from hyperydrosis ( excessive, profuse sweating that often has an emotional origin )- but if that were the case, it can be cured too, with proper treatment and medications.
You say that luckily you have no permanent lesions or infections, so, take heart, chances are that your doctor will be able to fix everything in a very short time.
So... go see him ASAP, report back your progresses to Dear Cupid :) and accept our wishes for a better health and shape very very soon.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (13 February 2015):
 "the rest is up to me to heal "This statement is true. It really is up to you. It takes hard work, but so does anything worth doing right? :)The first thing you have to do is...Stop caring what other people thing of you. You know right from wrong, and you know that certain things you do to yourself is not right or good for you. No one needs to tell you that or pass judgement for you to want to change. If fact you have already started changing...awesome :)In the process of losing weight, lose your past life along with your weight. Your past stay in the past and has no place in your here and now or future. You don't see dinosaurs coming back to life. The only way they can is if some yahoo dumb enough to clone one. Just like you are doing...cloning your past and bringing it into your future.Your past has caused you enough pain and suffering, so why keep dragging it alone with you? Every moment you spend thinking about your past or reliving any of it, your abuser wins.When life brings you a challenge like this, you step up and say "Bring it!!! Let's see what you got...and when I am done with this one, I will be back for more." Challenges like this is like going to the gym. The first time things happen to you, it hurts. You don't want to do it again, and you let your mind tell you all kinds of reason why you should not try. But if you face up to the challenge and keep going back to the gym (life) becomes easier. Because just as your muscles get stronger and grow, so does your ability to be stronger in life, and your confidence grows.
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (13 February 2015):
 My guess would be that the reason the OP only got 8 sessions was because that's all that the GP doctors over here offer and, even then, that's just the "talk it through, but I won't give any suggestions" type. To get private counselling is usually (from what I've found) around £50+ for 45 minutes, so it's not affordable, which means that the OP is likely stuck without any counselling for the foreseeable future :/
OP, I completely understand how you feel, but I think that it's important for you to see the doctor and it's all progress that you're making for yourself to be free from anything and everything that's happened previously :)
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 February 2015):
 you will NOT be judged... that's not what doctors do..
print out this question and give it to the doctor and say "please help me I'm fragile and need help"
how can they say 8 sessions and out you go? can you find online support???
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2015): Do you shave your armpits? And use deodorant? I don't understand how you have smell under your armpits if you take regular showers.
Dirt goes away immediately after you wash your feet. It's not a permanent feature.
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