A
male
age
41-50,
mfj78
writes:Many people have insecurites or issues with aspects of their looks or personality. Often its the most insignificant details that makes us become the most obssessional. Whether it be our height, figure, complexion, breast size/shape or our weight, many of us find something to obsess over, damage our confidence and allow it to hold us back. For me its the perils of looking a lot younger than I am. Now compared to losing a limb in an accident, being in a wheel chair for life, being blind, suffering heart disease and so on, looking young is hardly comparable. Yet the fact that there are others far worse off than ourselves doesn't go too far in stopping us obsessing. On DC we get many posts from people of all ages and situations lacking self esteem because, for example, they don't have the stick thin figure of a professional (and indeed airbrushed) model, or because they feel inadequate due to the size of their perfectly adequate penis or breasts, (presumably not the same post), or a lack of being able to cope with hair loss or whatever. For me its the "blessing" of looking a good fifteen years younger plus than I really am. Now I'm sure there is someone out there my age who is sick and tired of people assuming he or she is Fifty when they are in fact in their mid Thirties. No doubt they would love to be in my shoes. But although I do indeed count my blessings, it's something which has held me back professionally, romantically and emotionally. People often say to me "Wow it must be great looking so much younger than you actually are!" but its isn't. I have found it to be a real curse. Surely looking young is a blessing?? I often find situations where, usually without realizing, people will really patronize me, talk down to me or insult me as they assume I am much younger than I actually am. One of the most frustrating situations regarding this is in the workplace as, despite being very experienced and knowledgable, looking young encourages others who don't know me very well to assume I am of a much lower level of responsibility and experience than I am and they treat me accordingly. When I then try to assert my authority in response, it just won't wash as it is hard to overcome the first impression based on my appearance. Here are a few examples:In 2011, aged 33, I was promoted temporarily to a management position. I didn't have staff but I was the equivelant of a line manager, with Executive Officer being my official title. I was asked to attend a meeting at another office where there would be around ten of us present, nine managers (myself included) and a senior manager who was chairing the discussion. The other managers in the room were between 22 and 24 years old so, with the greatest of respect, were still quite young. Some were straight from Universtity and in many cases it was their first full time job. I was 33, had worked for the company for 14 years and I had been involved in an identical project to that being discussed a few years previously, while the others in the room were not familiar with the task in hand. With respect to the other staff, as the oldest, most experienced and, in the case of this particular topic at least, the most knowledgable, I should have been able to make a worthwhile contribution to the meeting and been respected and listened to. One could say I was the elder statesman of the group if that's not too bold. Yet what actually happened is that the senior manager arrived, took one look at me and barked "what are the hell are YOU doing here?" I asked what she meant to which she replied; "What grade are you?" I told her I was an Executive Officer and she replied with; "Oh yeah? And what Executive decisions are YOU going to make, Sonny?" I felt so angry, so hurt, so humiliated and so embarressed. The others were taken seriously, despite being young, inexperienced and new to the project, yet I was ridiculed and singled out for humiliation simply because I looked young. Bad enough for that to happen to anyone in a professional organisation but even harder to deal with when you are by far the oldest and most experienced. The person responsible for the inappropriate and ignorant comments clearly assumed I was some young lad who had been sent to the meeting on someone elses behalf who didn't want to go themselves.It knocked my confidence big time, having only recently being promoted two grades above my normal duties. To add insult to injury, the others in the room chuckled and as we left the room, one of the young cocky guys, who didn't last five minutes in his job incidently, said "don't worry Kid, we will soon show you the ropes!" A short time later I was having lunch in the work canteen with a collegue who is of similar age to myself. A new member of staff joined us and started talking to my collegue as I was on my mobile phone (cell phone) at the time. They talked sensibly and politely and then I finished my call and introduced myself. The new member of staff, probably not much older than me, said "Hey kid! Kid! Who's in the charts Son? Eh? Who's in the charts? Ha Ha! Bet your out every weekend clubbing, drinking, annoying your folks by coming home drunk? Playing loud music?" Then he sarcastically added "safe man, safe!" as an attempt at ridiculing adolecent street talk and did some kind of exagerated hand gesture similar to something adolecent boys would do. I felt so stupid. The worst of it was that I had never been like that anyway. As a teenager I was always like someone much older mentally. I didn't rebel, didn't go out clubbing or drinking and never got involved in adolecent antics or laddish larking about. In fact my parents would probably have been a little relieved if i had been out doing young guys stuff! Which makes it even more difficult and frustrating when, well into my thirties, I get people treating me like an adolescent. If I gave an opinion in a meeting or raised a valid point in a discussion I would either be talked over or have other people in the room frown as if to say "what does this kid know about any of this?" Or if i spoke in a way which was appropriate for my age; articulate, sensible and so on, people would say things like "Gosh Son, that's a big word for a young lad!" or "Oooh arn't you being clever then?" When I was thirty the office I worked in closed and I was moved to a different site. On my first morning in the new premises, my new manager who was a middle aged lady, said "have you got a girlfriend?", in a tone that suggested she was talking to someone of about fourteen. When I confirmed that I did indeed have a partner, she replied "Oh I bet your parents are always telling you both to be careful!" Well no actually as i was thirty, my girlfriend of the time was thirty six. If we had wanted to start a family, which we didn't, my Girlfriend was at an age when she should have been getting on with it. Again this makes it all the more galling. We were a sensible couple in our Thirties, old enough to be fretting about our own kids (if we had any) being careful, yet I was being spoken to by my well meaning manager like we were a pair of naive teenagers. At the age of Twenty Six I spent two weeks backpacking and camping with two friends who were a couple. They were a couple of years younger than myself and had a young daughter of about six. We arrived at the first campsite and the reception desk was empty and a storm was brewing. We decided to get the tents up and sort the payment out afterwards to beat the bad weather. As my friends put their larger tent up, and I had my simpler one complete within minutes, I assisted the young child with her small tent. By this time it was raining hard and I was vaguely aware that my friends were talking to someone but was quite engrossed in getting the tents finished before everything got soaked. Suddenly my male friend put his arm around me, grinning, and said something like "Come on Son, past your bed time. Shall I read you a nursery rhyme?" When I rather bewilderedly asked what he was talking about, he replied that the camp site owner had spoken to him and his partner and said; "Nice to see you have got your oldest child helping your youngest." I felt such a fool! I was the oldest out of the Three adults, my friends being twenty three and twenty tour and my friends child was no older than six or seven. How young must the site owner have thought I was if she assumed I was my friends son? As embarrassing as that incident was, it also changed the dynamic of the friendship. Upto that point my friends had looked up to me as the eldest but from that point on they treated me like a baby brother. Another incident occured when I was in my early Twenties. At that age I looked very young indeed. I had gone with my parents to an Aunt and Uncles house. Not proper Aunt and Uncles, but some distant relatives or other I had not seen for years. My family were in the Kitchen and I was in the dining room. My mother stated that she was having problems swallowing a course of tablets the Doctor had prescribed and showed the pills around. My Aunt jokingly said; "They look like the morning after pill! Is there something you want to tell us?" My family had a bit of a joke about these tablets looking like emergency contraception. At that point I walked into the room, probably around twenty three years old at the time, and my Aunt, in total seriousness, said "oh erm close the door please Love, we're talking about grown up stuff." On another occasion, again around twenty three, I attended a car boot sale (I think its called a thrift stall in the US). I had been employed for around five years at that point and had just been paid. I do a lot of photography and there was a stall selling second hand camera equipement. I was interested in a lens that was for sale for around £150 or so, so i picked it up to examine it. The lady behind the table stood up, took the lens from my hand and said "Sorry Son these are not toys, this isnt really a stall for your pocket money (allowance)"! People often ask me what I say in that situation but when one is young, lacking confidence and dreading meeting new people out of fear that they will say something humiliating, it is hard to stand up for yourself, be assertive and say "you know what, im a man of Twenty whatever years old and I am fully aware this lens is not a toy thank you very much. Hence the fact I have my wages, not pocket money in my wallet to buy such an item." On the odd occasion when I did pluck up the courage to say something to put the other person right, it has either caused a lot of awkwardness as the other person realises their embarressing mistake, or I have had dissmissive sarcasm as a response. The woman who insulted me in the meeting at work, when i told her my age and length of service, said something like "Oh arnt you a big boy then? Ive been here thirty five years kid". Nice.Until my Thirties I found it difficult to get a girlfriend. Women want a man, not a boy and I looked very much a boy for far too long. What made the situation worse was my baby face and slim, short figure. Women wanted to mother me, treat me like a baby brother, they did not see me as boyfriend material. Women younger than me would either dismiss me with an arrogant "I dont do toy boys!", or they would say with great sincerity "you are a very sweet and very nice person", before adding a whispered "but you are very young!" I once purchased contraceptives in a local store and had the concerned looking shop assistant ask me "should you really be using these Son?" Talk about humiliating. When I did have relationships i would be embarresed as there was always awkward moments. I have also had concerned neighbours inform my parents that I have been "bringing girls back" when my parents have been away on holiday (vacation), despite the fact I was a grown man well into my Twenties at the time and the woman concerned was also in her twenties and it was with my parents full knowledge. Making complaints in shops, or dealing with difficult people at work can be frustrating as I just dont get taken seriously. I once boarded a bus, and in those days the fair was something like 57 pence. I only had a pound coin on me so I put that in the machine (no change given), and the bus driver gave me a right roasting! He was annoyed and snapped "You want to learn some bloody respect Son! Your Dad has worked hard to give you that pocket money and your wasting his hard eaned cash!" I was 19 and it was my own hard earned cash to do with what I liked. When I go to work in the morning on the train the conductor comes around checking tickets. As he approaches I hear him saying "tickets please Sir, thank you Madam, can i see your tickets Gentleman..." then he gets to me and says "alright Son, got your ticket young man?" Its not just the Son and Young Man that gets to me but the tone that suggest, as a perceived "youngster", I may be a fair dodger or be using my brothers train pass or something. He checks the other adults tickets and passes with a quick glance, but everytime he comes to me he will study my pass from all angles.Ive even found that if i go into shops selling high end products I either struggle to get an assistant to acknoweldge me if I want to ask a question, or they watch me like a Hawk in case I steal or damage something, where as others my age get the assistants fawning all over them.People often say I take things too seriously or have developed a complex about it, and if your still reading this im sure you have formed that same opinion, but its hard not to become quite consumed by it. Its something which I am constantly being reminded of and I frequently feel embarassed by other peoples behaviour towards me. It is hard not to let it become something I am hyper sensitive to. Friends tell me it doesnt matter what other people think but it does to me. If I attend a meeting at work and get singled out for ridicule because I look too young to be an experienced staff member then how is that going to further my career or make my working day enjoyable? If people say "have you got a girlfriend? Bet your parents always tell you to be careful", or "close the door this is a grown up discussion", how could I be taken seriously in an adult environment? I dread meeting new people or being introduced to someone I dont know as I am concerned the moment will come when they will say something, often innocently meant, that makes me feel embarressed or awkward. Almost everyday, often several times a day, I have some kind of humiliation or embarresement or I at least get left feeling frustrated and talked down to. Often others think they are being kind, or doing me a favour, by addressing me in a way which I actually find patronizing and insulting. They think I am young and go through their "in with the youth of today" routine in an attempt to gain my respect, or assume I need things to be presented in a simpler format, especially at work. I often get people turn to me in meetings and repeating whats just been said in a simpler, condesending form. Then my attempts at standing up for myself are perceived as arrogance on my part or me being stroppy rather than others actually appreciating my situation. Having to explain your age to others so often becomes tiresome and frustrating. Im often told I will appreciate it when I am older, but having heard that so many times over a twenty odd year period, its hard not to dissmiss those words completely, no matter how kindly meant. Im thirty six now, how many more years do I have to wait before I get treated as a man rather than a kid? Life is for living in the now not wishing my life away. We all face an uncertain future with everything thats happening in the world, and I'm approaching middle age. I want to enjoy my life now but feel I'm being held back by this and my lack of confidence as a result. My parents are pensioners and not in the best of health, I dont want to wish away the next few years to the point where I'm in a situation of having to look after elderly parents or loose them altogether. My dad had a heart attack caused by an hereditory problem. When I reach my fifties or sixties I could have the same problems. Another reason not to want to hurry the next few years away. Friends and family say it will be really great when I'm forty but look twenty but i just dont see it that way. When I'm a man of forty I want people my own age to see me as an equal, someone they can turn to for advice and someone they can respect, not treat me like I am their childrens age and see me as a kid.At my stage in life I appreciate how young 23 is let along 18. With respect to those who fall into that age group, its quite galling to know that people my own age perceive me as being in that age bracket. We all think we are really mature and experienced at that age, but as we get older we look back and realize how young we were at that point in our development. I therefore understand how young and inexperienced people must see me as being. As a man in my mid to late thirties I just want to be taken seriously, be respected as an adult and treated as an equal amongst other grown men and women. Instead I get treated like a "youngster", constantly get talked down to or have the embarressment of kindly meant people saying "are you at College young man?" or "Have you started work yet sonny?", and anytime someone comes to my door selling something they say "Hello young man, is your mom or dad in Son?" At work, in situations with people unfmailiar, I would get the "well done Kiddo!" remarks if I spoke up and said something sensible, or "dont get ideas above your station..." if I asked for a change to a policy for example. When I recently attended a job interview I was told by the interviewer, through narrow eyes and a quizical look, that I looked way too young to have the experience I had put on my CV. I suddenly felt the need to defend myself and felt accused of lying. I attended a job interview training course a while back and we were asked to give an example of a bad interview experience we had endured. I started by telling a story of an experience during an interview for a well known British company that folded close to Twenty years ago. Everyone in the room looked at me as if I had grown another head and one woman said "No way! You must be making that up, you are in no way old enough to have had an interview them!" And she wouldnt believe me no matter how much I explained my age. It gets so frustrating to be sidetracked by yet another debate about how old I am in front of a room full of strangers. I have done internet dating, and again I get the same questions. When people contact me or respond to a message, nine times out of ten they ask me "How old are your pictures? I wanna see a recent one!", when the image in question is very recent. Or they say "Okay so how old are you really?" Again it makes me feel like I am in some way guilty of missleading others or being accused of being untruthful. In 2012 I came close to loosing my father to a heart attack followed by a heart bypass operation. I was obviously upset, anxious, deverstated and struggled to cope with it, but remained as professional and as calm as was possible at work. On the occasions when I would be stressed, worried or upset I got no sympathy. Instead I got; "You wanna grow up kid! Young lad like you mopping about depressed at the best time of your life, you should be out enjoying your self while your still young not getting depressed! You wanna wait till your my age Son, then you will know what bloody stress and worry is all about!" This from someone YOUNGER than me. Im aware that my looks have hardly ever changed or developed much. I occasionally bump into people I went to school with and they all look like grown men or women. They have evolved from the teenage versions of themselves I recall from my school days, to men and women. They have that unmistakable look of being close to middle aged adults. I, on the other hand, get told I look barely any different to what I did at 16. Instantly I get dissmissed by my former class mates as being the same person I was back then and get treated with indifference or a sarcastic remark as to my Peter Pan like lack of visual maturity. I work with young people at a charity organisation that puts on music events. I take the photographs of the performers and we often get the same people year after year. Im usually amazed and very jealous when I see an attractive, confident, young woman on stage in her late teens or very early twenties, or a well build, deep voiced, manly young guy in a band, and compare them as they are now with the pictures I took of that same person just a year or two ago at a previous concert when they looked like young girls and boys. The physical alteration from child to adult is incredible in a few short months or years, yet I seem to go decades without much change. Some of my friends have teenage children and the rate of change in their looks is startling! Yet from the age of about 14 to 25 I barely altered in appearance at all. Even now, at 36, I would have no trouble passing for 17 if I had a close shave or wore the wrong clothes. I have younger cousins in their late teens/early twenties and they look like grown men and much older than me. At that age I looked about 14! Many of my friends I grew up with have children who look a lot older than me. Talk about frustrating. Whenever I buy Alcohol in shops I get asked for ID. Dont missunderstand me, I accept that our society has a big problem with underage drinking and every licenced premises has to ensure they are strict as to who they sell the products too as the penalty for selling alcohol to a minor is severe. I support the system, respect the system and appreciate WHY I get asked. I also do a bit of bar work and have to ask others for ID. My issue is with the way they go about it sometimes. Occasionally a shop assistant will lean forward, and in a hushed tone say "Oh sorry have you got any ID?" No problem. He/She is just doing their job. All fine and dandy. But that seems the exception rather than the rule. Normally in supermarkets, I get the till worker look at me, look at the wine, look at me, look at the wine, stare hard at the wine and then at me and then they lean back on their chair, narrow their eyes and fold there arms before saying "You got any ID?" in a tone that says "ok son the games up". Others who I have been out with have noticed this as well. A couple of friends have actually said to shop assistants "He isnt guilty of something you know." So it isnt just my imagination. Instead of just asking for my ID and being done with it, they go through a routine of staring, judging, narrowing their eyes and sizing me up. Then, when I give my ID, they look at it from all angles and press their button for assistance. By this time everyone in the queue is looking at me. So along comes someone higher up the chain to stare, look me up and down and then study my ID in microscopic detail. "Is this okay?" the original person asks while pointing suspiciously to my drivers licence or passport. Then I get "Whats your date of birth young man?" (the young man is there just to rub it in surely), so I give my date of birth as being in 1978 and quick as a flash they say "How old are you?" as if trying to catch me out. Other times I give my ID and the person serving consults a chart they have which is a quick reference guide showing the date/year you have to be born before to be over the ages of 12, 15, 16 an 18. They see my DOB is 1978 and yet peer confusingly at this list mumbling that they cannot find my DOB on there. REALLY? Surely anyone with any ounce of common sense between their ears would know that someone born in the 1970s is way over the age of 18? And as for the checking with someone else, well if I was a minor trying to buy booze illegally why the hell would I claim to be 36 for goodness sake? How many 17 year olds borrow ID, or have a fake ID made, claiming to be 36, wear a suit very well and buy bottles of reasonably good wine? People say "oh isnt it flattering to be asked for ID?" Seriously? At close to 37 to have to prove with a legal document that im not a child, a minor, a boy, a kid, whenever I wish to buy a sensible bottle of wine for a sensible, mature evening with family or work collegues is not flattering. To have people think I may still be a child is insulting. I recently went into a store and bought a bottle of wine. The guy behind the counter asked for my ID, I gave it him, and he almost shouted "Christ mate your thirty six! No Way! Dave! Dave!! Come and look at this..." So out comes Dave from the back room. "How old would you say this lad is here Dave? Thirty six, THIRTY SIX!" So then the other guy starts; "No way! Your taking the piss surely?" and then the pair of them invited an elderly lady waiting to buy some milk to join in. "Oooh no Sonny you look like a young boy" she added as if I needed reminding. I felt like a bug in a specimen jar. I wanted the ground to open up and swollow me. Thats happened many a time.In the workplace its deemed inappropriate to treat someone badly or make remarks due to their skin colour, religious belief, sex, sexual preferences, disability, etc. BUT if one looks young its considered fair game. I've complained to my managers and HR several times over the years in various jobs and got no where. Most people wouldn't draw attention to someones weight, hair loss or what have you in front of a shop full of people, and yet time and again I have had people do that with my looks because I look so much younger than I am. When we think of agism we tend to think of older people being discriminated against, whereas its not always like that. I can at least see why young people are being treated differently in a way, especially at work, as its only natural for even the most mature young workers to lack experience of the workplace. Yet for those of us who are not young but look as if we still are, its a case of being discriminated against for something we are not even "guilty" of. Ive tried everything: I always dress well, like wearing well fitting suits, nice ties, hand made shoes, im even loosing my hair for goodness sake. Non of that seems to alter peoples perspective. I have tried hard to come across as confident and so on but again it only adds a year or two to my perceived age at best. Even at my "oldest" and most mature I struggle to look older than 24. I even get picked on by youngsters who would normally not bother with someone my age but instead of seeing me as a communtor or guy out shopping they probably assume i am in their age bracket or just a bit older, so i become a target for youths or checky teens looking for someone to make a fool of or intimidate. Im sick of people young enough to be my own Son or Daughter, people I perceive as being kids or adolescents, calling me "Son", "Sonny", "Our kid" (a local phrase usually reserved for a younger brother ) or "Young man". I recently started volunteer work in an office. The manager announced, out of the blue, that she would be leaving and that her paid position of admin manager would need to be filled.. At this point I got excited and applied for the Admin Managers role only to have my bubble burst very rapidly. The trustees in the organsiation (who didnt know me very well except by sight) assumed I was a young guy who, although thoroughly decent and professional, lacked any real job experience. They made the presumption that I was possibly a student, or recently left behind my studies, looking to gain work experience through the voluntary work and was maybe looking to get my first proper job out of it. Not becasue of my performance, which they would be unfamiliar with, but becasue I looked young. It came as a suprise therefore when my I applied for the Admin Managers position. One trustee asked the outgoing manager if she was joking about putting my name down for the role and later suggested it would be wise to make me aware that a formal inteview was required, as if i was that naive as to not know. Another couple of trustees suggested I was way too young for such a responsible position and another asked if I had ever even had a proper paid job! I felt deeply embarressed by the feed back from the outgoing manager when she told me all this. My manager explained to the trustees that I had indeed enjoyed a career in various companies over a tweny year period, including being a manager within the private sector and a finance officer for a private firm, along with a vast erray of administrative and finance experience. From what she told me afterwards, the trustees were dubious about my claimed work history. Again making me feel like a liar when all of my claims were absolutely true. Our President and his wife came into the office and both approached me with quite serious issues and asked for answers to questions which were quite involved. This was before I had formally applied for the job and they both stared hard at me when the questions were asked that actually had nothing to do with me. I knew why they were doing it: to test my maturity. I guess they expected me to laugh off the question or give a cocky or silly answer. I did neither. I answered the made up question as maturely and concisely as possible and ensured i took it very seriously. Again it wasnt my qualifications or skill set that was questioned, rather my maturity and experience due to looking young. I was under the spotlight as usual having to prove i wasnt some immature kid. I put my heart and soul into the application and wrote, rewrote and rephrased my cover letter and CV again and again to ensure my application was the best I have ever made. I was able to use my experience within the organisation to tailor my previous experience and skills to demonstrate the competencies they were looking for. I knew the job, the organisation and the way it did business and the wider team, and was able to use that to my advantage in the application. I am very proud of the CV and cover letter I produced and even prouder of the interview i gave. I went to town to demonstrate my maturity and abilities as well as my experience and knowledge and, from the feedback I was later given, the difference between my application, CV and interview and those of the other candidates was night and day.Our president took a call while I was in the office and the mesage he was asked to pass on was that my application had actually been recieved after it appeared to have been lost in the system. He then told the caller to hold on and went outside the room. He would only do that if he didnt want me to hear, which i still could, as I was the only other perosn present. I heard him ask the person on the phone about my application. He said "has he filled in the form correctly and does he have any experience of actual work?" Then he said "Oh, oh sorry yes...twenty years? Well I didnt realize, oh has he? Really? Goodness me...he was a manger for who sorry? Finance officer you say?....!"I was offered the job and I am, touchwood, enjoying it. But it is frustrating to know i had to jump through hoops simpy because I looked young. The trustees I face daily in my job are those same people who, just weeks ago, thought i was some young guy starting out after leaving college trying to make sense of a work environment. To be fair they are polite to my face and maybe they now have new found respect for me, who knows, but I will always be a little uneasy at the fact they thought I was way, way too young to be the office manager. I have always been like an older person in my mind, and even when young prefered more mature interests. As a teen I was always the sensible, level headed one and I have enjoyed from a young age more, for the want of a better word, sophisticated things. While others i grew up with were clubbing, drinking lager to compete/impress, dressing to annoy their parents and larking around, I was the one who would see that as immature and would prefer to do more "grown up" things. My interests were older - whether it be art, different wines, photography, classical music, films with Cary Grant, suits and tailoring, language, etc. I have always been sensible with money and have a good sense of values and work hard to afford nice things. Yet I often have people spot my hand made, expensive shoes which I love to wear, or my professional level camera equipement I have worked equally hard to afford, and lecture me about the value of money and how I will not be so willing to "waste" it when I am "older" and have "responsibilities". Its infuriating to have people I hardly know almost demanding me to justify my spending on such items in the mistaken belief that I am a youngster splashing cash he hasnt got or, heaven forbid, wasting his parents money. I have many good things in life i appreciate massively, and my dads health scare is something that has altered my preception on life. Yet looking young will probably still be almost as frustrating at 50 as it is at 36. Thanks for reading.M
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (19 April 2015):
 1.
public speaking training will develop your inner confidence. the first meeting will be a challenge. from then on you will only get better. I am suggesting an organization that is well respected in the field, namely:
http://toastmasterclub.org/portal.php?page=-1&marknow=0
2. next to develop your leadership skills and hone your meeting procedure awareness I suggest you volunteer to join this organization in the UK, namely
http://www.rotarygbi.org/
it will also develop your networking skills too and relating to people at all levels
3.thirdly develop a hobby that is nothing like the above and nothing like your work. this one should be one you can stop and start when it suits you. it must be something you find relaxing and also will give you a conversation developer when you are ever asked what do you enjoy doing for leisure. it could be physical (swim, cycle, attempt a marathon, or join a walking group?) , use reasoning and logic (chess? ), or creative (join a water colour painting class - there are some online) or other?
choose something that gets you mixing with others - and nothing too expensive.
you will find that as you get enjoyment from any one of the suggestions above that you will also learn to like you more and will feel more self assured after trying new things.
Many very capable people have taken up painting for leisure as a way to relax and it does not matter if you are not Monet - it is the act of trying something new that really does bring you benefits in other ways.
A
male
reader, mfj78 +, writes (25 February 2015):
mfj78 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Abella, your kind words mean a lot to me.I guess its a confidence thing to some extent. My current job was taken out of nessecity and im a bit out of my depth. Im not a natural leader and the job I have now involves leading and being very organized and meeting important, influential people. Far from being a confident, unfazed, answer for everything kind of person the job really needs, I get flustered when up against councillors, business people and so forth. As a side issue to that in my original post, my confidence and self belief in my ability is low. Im struggling in my job. That then perpectuates the issue of looking young - making me appear less experienced and knowledgable. This particular job is nto for me and I will shortly start looking elsewhere but then I know its going to be more of the same problems of "are you sure this is an accurate CV young man??"One of the issues is that its easy to end up in a vicious cycle of letting insecurity make me come across as young too. At times when I have lots on my mind or completely stressed about work I couldn't really care if I get asked for ID or not and rarely do in such a situation. If I am fretting about the impending "have you got any ID" then I usually do get carded simply because my self conciousness comes across in my body language. If I don't think about it it rarely happens, if its on my mind I probably look awkward and nervous and, ironically, get asked for ID as a result.In recent times i've learnt to force myself to not hold back in anyway. If I was out and about with my parents for example and we bumped into someone they knew I would stand back and avoid too much interaction out of fear of a humiliating, yet well meant, comment. As hard as it was for me lacking confidence, I force myself now to push forwards and, if not take over, try to act confident as if meeting strangers in a confident manner is a natural thing for me. Im half succeeding which is something. The examples you gave were excellent Abella and I take inspiration from them!M
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reader, Abella +, writes (23 February 2015):
Great article. Liked it very much. Well thought out content and it's true, true, true.
I am about to cite two examples of people I have worked with who have faced these challenges and have gone on to greater things.
The first is ''E'' who is now aged 67.
The second is ''K'' who is now aged 32.
Both of them look younger than their true age.
I worked with a very professional and highly effective lady from when she was 55 until she turned 65. I still meet her occasionally for lunch and she is now 67. But she did not look 65 then and she does not look 67 now.
''E'' 's experience was extensive and I think some of the men were threatened by her level of experience - thinking she could be a threat to their jobs.
I think some of those managers (in their 50s) treated her poorly.
The said managers were younger than ''E''.
And not as experienced as ''E''.
AND ''E'' looked younger than them.
Yet the Managers chose to deny ''E'' any promotional opportunities.
Instead the managers kept choosing the prettier staff in their 20s, for temporary professional extension positions, even though their experience was zilch. At times the commitment of the appointed was low too - but those who appointed them were not too demanding of their appointees.
While at the same time they made sure all the toughest assignments with the greatest complexity were sent to my friend, above, ''E''. It was work the next 2 levels up should have been allocated.
''E'' took it on as she loves a challenge. She had also hoped that it might lead to the mangers giving her some promotional opportunities - but that never happened.
In the end ''E'' became sick of the disrespect. The managers used her expertise, her extensive knowlege and experience but were too threatened to also make use of her extensive management experience as well.
''E'' told me, quietly, and in advance, when she intended to leave and I respected her warning me in advance.
She was fed up, and left of her own accord. It was a shock for management as they had not anticipated it, nor expected it.
Suddenly they had to scramble to reallocate ''E'' s workload - one person alone was not enough.
Management had been using ''E''. Management - poor management that is - will do that sometimes.
Fortunately I still get to meet ''E'' socially and she has created a new business for herself and now employs people and has a great time directing operations.
Now ''E'' is in charge and her business is going from strength to strength. She says she may retire at 75 but only if she feels like it. At this rate she may look like a woman 55 when she turns 75.
''E'' 's look never seems to change. Her skin is lovely. Even her hands are in good condition, though she says she is very particular about using hand cream several times a day and cleansing her skin every morning and again in the evening.
I believe ''E'' has definitely never had plastic surgery nor botox. She does drink water, but nothing else. When a work function was held she would bring along her own bottle of water. If we meet for lunch she orders sparkling water as the only thing she drinks.
''E'' takes no credit for looking younger - she says she is just lucky as her grandmother was the same.
But I will say that ''E'' does not have a mean bone in her body.
I've never heard ''E'' express jealousy, spite, envy or be mean spirited in her approach. That I think is important.
I think remaining kind, non-judgemental
and positive helps keep a person ''young'' and stronger in their outlook.
For different reasons there was also a really brilliant girl (K) who I worked with. She had ''age'' issues too.
She'd done extremely well at University. Great command of languages. She'd done some overseas travel and she was perfect for the job she'd just won. She was 22 at that time. Everything I saw convinced me that she'd do very well at whatever she tried.
At 22 she was clearly destined for greater things.
And she looked as if she was 14 going on 15.
Your article was spot on.
There were people who completely underestimated ''K''.
I encouraged her, but it got to the point where she became very discouraged.
''K'' was ambitious, and I knew the current job was only ever going to be a stepping stone. She was actively seeking a job that fully used her University studies.Due to achievements (on paper) she has no trouble securing an interview.
But once they met her face to face that was when she failed to secure the promotional position.
Then the management cut 20 positions and ''K''s was one of them. I was so very very sorry that her position had been abolished. I wanted her to secure a permanent position that was equal to her strengths.
I did mock interviews with ''K'' in the lunch break.
Then another job interview rejection.
She was quite ''down'' about the situation at that point.
So I said to ''K'' that I thought the interviewers were underestimating her solely because they possibly assumed/ or thought (wrongly) that she could not possibly be as good and as experienced as she appeared on paper.
Thus I suggested that ''K'' apply for some temporary jobs of 6 months to 12 months duration and prove herself to a new employer.
The next time ''K'' applied (this time a 6 month temporary position) she won the job.
Fifteen months later she applied for a higher lever 12 month temporary position.
''K'' Won that one too.
Each time ''K'' utterly proved her worth. She is 32 now and Mom. She is still occasionally asked to provide ID to prove she is 18.
''K'' has grown in experience and confidence and woe betide anyone who ever underestimates her. ''K'' is meticulous, a good judge of character and very good at her job.
Only fools Ass-U-me. I saw a dvd of a comedian, the late Benny Hill, who did a comedy routine about people who Assume.
Never let fools try to ruin your day.
What Other People think of you is none of your business. Let them be ignorant and behave as fools and think they know it all.
You are blessed to look as you do.
You know who you are and what you are capable of.
A little more on ''E'' that is worth mentioning:
''E'' who's real age is 67 looks no older than 40, if that.
I met her mother, aged 90, and could see it was in their genes. ''E'''s mother could pass for a woman of 70. Same beautiful skin.
Currently ''E'' has the most minute start of salt and pepper hair colour starting but overall her hair is still her natural colour. She says she is not going to get a rinse as she thinks it would be a take time to renew it regularly, and she does not want that.
''E'' is never bitter that she was denied opportunities. Both of us know that it was their loss, not her loss.
Some managers are indeed so short sighted when they concentrate on protecting their own position that they have the effect of stifling ambition and are unwilling to give opportunities to those who they think might do the job better than they themselves can do.
Such selfish dinosaurs only weaken an organization. They stifle innovation and creativity.
If the executive level cannot see through the motives of managers below then that affects the bottom line.
Such companies lose good people and keep those who are only interested in ensuring that nothing ever changes.
Then one day the business fails. Very sad indeed.
But the seeds of that destruction started when Mangers started underestimating Good People. And the Executive could not recognize this truth either.
I wish you well in your career
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