A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My story is very similar to many people but I will make a long story short...Last year, I sensed my boyfriend of 4 years was cheating on me with my former best friend so I ended the relationship and moved on quite quickly. My ex-boyfriend tried to get back with me and confessed to cheating on me with five other women in the course of three years. I forgave him and decided to make things work because I was still in love with him.Unfortunately love was not enough as I could not let go of the past. We tried couple counselling but it was too expensive and not effective. We continued on with the relationship but five months in I suspected of him having an emotional relationship with a girl he was going to college with. He denied it but adding on to the pain of the past and this happening I turned into an insecure, highly emotional, erratic and to level depressed person.Instead of noticing the pain I was going through he continued on with the emotional relationship. I eventually I seeked comfort in another guy and kissed him. When my boyfriend found out he broke up with me and moved out of the home we shared.Quite soon I met a wonderful man who has been a piece of heaven on earth, understanding, caring, honest and God fearing but he was not my ex.Two weeks ago my ex and I met and we discussed the relationship and agreed that we still loved each other and we should make our relationship work. As I am still in love with I agreed to this though it broke my heart to let go of the wonderful new man. My ex has said that he’s prepared to stop drinking because most of the physical infidelities and physical abuse happened while he was under the influence of alcohol.I know they say once a cheat always a cheat but as I type this my heart is breaking because I love my ex but I don’t know if I can forgive him for what he did to me.My question is what do I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2011): I truly sympathise with your situation and you must feel terribly confused by how you feel towards your ex especially after all you have given up for him. I would like to agree with the previous responses but maybe on balance there is something you mention about your ex that needs a sober and clear head examination.
You say your ex confessed to having cheated with five other women in the course of your 3 year relationship. If the confession came from him and you only sensed you knew about the one with your former best friend, then I would urge you to ponder on that first. It is never easy for anyone to confess to cheating especially cases of cheating that have been kept secret and locked away. Believe me not easy!!
It sounds like this guy has made bad mistakes and realised what he has done and come clean. Try and work out with your ex through relate counselling instead of throwing away the chance of happiness with the love of your life.
Only real and honest communication with your ex, will allow you know to if your ex has finally grown up and truly changed. People learn from their mistakes and so can your ex boyfriend.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys for your advice
I came clean to my ex about me moving on when we broke up and obviously that has become the highlight of everything leave alone the fact that he as has cheated physically and emotionally.
He was my first love and I agree with CaringGuy, that I am a classic victim delusional about the facts from fairy tales. I did want desperately for this man to change and be the man I thought he could always be but as it stands I can’t see how he can change.
I’m not totally without fault as I have realised that I do have some deep rooted problems of not dealing with issues that pertain to childhood abuse, being cheated on and not realising my worth.
As a way of dealing with my pain I often jump from one relationship to another before being at peace with the last and in the process I’ve hurt two great guys.
I will take time out to mediate on the advice given here and work on myself so I can appreciate the good people out there.
Thank you so much of taking your time to give me advice and I really appreciate it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2011): "What do you do?"
You know what you should do, but you're not going to do it. You also know there is absolutely no chance at a happy future with your ex but you're just going to keep trying anyway because you won't let yourself move on.
What you do is cut your ex out of your life for good and you don't date anyone else until you're over him because all you're doing is using guys and breaking their hearts.
That's what you should do, now what you will do is go back to him, cry, be hurt and have your life ruined over and over again, until you're a broken bitter woman. You're going to keep going with this until you can't take it anymore and you're a broken mess.
Good luck OP, what you want will never happen, your ex will ever be the guy you hope and dream he will be. Hopefully you'll see this sooner rather than later but I have a feeling it's going to take you years of torment to finally do so.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (18 July 2011):
You are in the classic position that so many women have put themselves in. You're in love with an idea, an image, not a person. You're in love with with the man you want your ex to be, not with the man he is. The tragedy is that he will never be the man you want to be. He will always be the same. And instead of recognizing this, you've thrown a good man away and met up with this ex.
And what is this ex? Nothing. Precisely nothing. He's a compulsive liar and cheat. He has, in total, cheated 6 times. He cheated 5 times with apparent strangers, and once with a so called best friend. Then, when he came clean, he still wound up in another emotional affair. And that was even after you tried to make it work with counselling.
On top of that, you then wound up cheated. And your ex then dumped you. You also mention physical abuse. Well, if that has happened, you're insane for going back. Because that, along with the compulsive cheating, shows that your ex has a major personality disorder that means he cannot form proper relationships.
You're turning into the classic victim. You're unhappy, you're desperate, you're not seeing things straight. Whatever has happened to you in your past, it has turned you into someone who cannot see the wood for the trees. This ex WILL cheat again - many times. He WILL physically hurt you again. He WILL continue to drink - the fact that he never gave that up before shows he's a liar. The fact that he blames the drink for his own actions shows that he has no remorse for what he has done, and that he accepts no responsibility.
The world is full of other women like you, all living in fantasy land, all hoping that a man has changed. And like you, they all get hurt over and over again because if an absolute refusal to move on from the past.
This guy doesn't love you. He never did and he never will. That's why he cheated, that's why he hurt you, that's why he lied, that's why he never gave up the drink. Because never, ever has he thought about you. And he never will.
You would do better to run and get some serious professional help. This guy won't change. He will never be what you want him to be. Instead, he will just be his usual self. The cheat who blames the drink.
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A
female
reader, VSAddict  +, writes (18 July 2011):
 Leave the ex. You've tried a relationship with him too many times and it's never worked. Your ex is pretty hypocritical for expecting you to take him back when he cheated but leaving you when you kissed someone else. Things are not going to get any better between you and your ex. The problems that you can't work out are never going to be resolved. And he'll never stop cheating. Just because he wants to be with you doesn't mean he'll grow up and do the right thing. So give the new guy a chance and don't regret leaving your ex because you've wasted too much time on this guy.
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