A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have to admit that I sometimes cringe at the thought of sex. I've been with may partner for almost 2.5 years, and yesterday he got really upset when I turned down the chance to be intimate. He says I always have an excuse and it's very annoying to him. But I can't help it, I just don't have any ongoing desire to do that. Sex was always something that made me feel slightly uncomfortable. Has anyone been in a similar predicament? My partner said that, NOT him but some men would seek an opportunity to look elsewhere. He told me straight that he does not feel that way, but said that some men would look elsewhere if they don't care or love the person they're with. He said he doesn't love me solely for sex, but if I was anyone else the relationship would eventually stop working. He said that if our intimacy continues on this level, he may end up being unhappy in 10-years or so. He said that he wants to make the most of everything before we have children. He said to me that he wants this to work, and there are qualities he loves in me besides sex. How would you interpret this... ?I should mention that this is the first time in our whole relationship that he got annoyed about being turned down. He's normally not concerned about it, and I was really surprised by the reaction. We didn't do much over the past fortnight, because I was sick and I don't know, but perhaps this contributed. I should also mention that we are intimate on average about 3X times weekly, and I'm always complying about 75% of the time. But yet, this one time he blew up. He says that we should be intimate a lot more at our age (he's 26 and I'm 28). The next day he said that he was really happy we did have a big chat about it, as it did our relationship good. He then said he also felt a bit bad about the fact that I got upset and felt horrible. What's most confusing is that he said it doesn't matter how much we do, or don't do something, what's lacking or whether we are arguing... He still loves me.- did he feel guilty about blowing up like that?- is sex something that most couples disagree about? (e.g. Frequency)- does it sound as though he's ready to leave, or does he love me? - does this sound like an average discussion of a couple? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Odds +, writes (18 July 2011):
 Telling you that any other man would leave you for your disinterest in sex is the sort of thing that a manipulative guy would say... but at the same time, in this case he may have a point. Three times a week might seem like enough on the surface, but when the other person is disinterested, it's less fulfilling than just beating off alone to some porn. Emotionally, he likely feels the same as if you were turning down sex altogether, but thinks he should *not* feel that way. It's confusing. And it's true, most guys would walk if that's what was up. I would. Doesn't make it nice to hear, and he probably should have found a more diplomatic way of saying it, but the point is worth considering.
You say that sex has always made you uncomfortable. If that's true, it's not just him, it's sex in general - it's an issue you need to address.
"did he feel guilty about blowing up like that?"
It seems so, yes. It sounds like he is torn between his healthy, natural desire for a fulfilling sex life and his feelings for you. Likely, he thinks his feelings for you should always be stronger than his sex drive, and he feels guilty for letting that not be true.
"is sex something that most couples disagree about? (e.g. Frequency)"
Sure, people can have mismatched sex drives. Being sufficiently attracted or repelled by a person can shift the drive, but it's got its own baseline that's different for every person. It's also something very important to us, so people argue when their drives aren't pretty closely matched.
"does it sound as though he's ready to leave, or does he love me?"
I think he's trying to figure that out. He may really love you, but if the lack of intimate, passionate sex is making him feel unloved, he may see it as a one-sided relationship and leave anyway.
"does this sound like an average discussion of a couple?"
Sure. People fight, and sometimes they say hurtful things when they fight. There may be no more reason to why he chose this instance to blow up about it than the reason one straw broke the camel's back.
Look, there's nothing morally wrong with not being into sex. You're not a bad person for that. But it will have a profoundly negative effect on any relationship you get into. You need to get some help before you let this relationship get any more committed than it is, for your sake and his.
A
male
reader, freeme +, writes (18 July 2011):
 I have some unfortunate experience here, about 15 years worth. I hope my admitting that to you serves you well.
There is nothing wrong with having a low sex drive, but something you said above concerns me. That is, that you comply.
Intimacy is part of a loving relationship. And sex is often times part of intimacy. If you are lacking it, something is amiss. It could be him, it could be you, but without DESIRED intimacy, you are both in for much frustration, heart break and high cortisol levels.
It sounds to me like a classic case of frustration. He may love you very much, but he is not happy with your lack of desire. THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT POINT I CAN MAKE. Relieving his sexual tension, and fulfilling his need for intimacy ARE NOT THE SAME THING. 3x a week is plenty as far as relieving his sexual tension. But if there is no shared, DESIRED intimacy during these sessions, he is going to be left unfulfilled. Men need intimacy as much or maybe more than women do.
I recommend you seek counseling to get to the bottom of your lack of desire. Please don't assume that compliance with his sexual demands is going to satisfy him. He loves you, sex is great, intimacy is greater. He needs that from you. I wish you luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2011): The great thing is, is that you are talking to each other about how you feel. But to cringe at the thought of sex? That's a very strong emotion and is really saddening to read. You need to take the time to ask yourself why you have gone off it. And be truly honest with yourself. A qualified, professional, sex therapist could help you get your mojo back. Try reading Becoming Orgasmic, A Sexual and Personal Growth Programme for Women, by Heiman and LoPiccolo. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Battista  +, writes (18 July 2011):
Firstly I will say that, in my opinion at least, 3 times a week is quite a good amount, I mean, it's more or less every other day. Does this sound about right?
This is a difficult question. It sounds as though it boils down, at least in part, to having mismatched libidos. To be honest I think you are both being unrealistic and a bit naive if you think the status quo can continue without any problems arising. I think your bf is being unrealistic if he thinks that, although he is unhappy with the amount of intimacy, he can continue in the relationship without becoming tired of it and the problem manifesting itself elsewhere, which it will. He will be unhappy and something will have to give, no matter ow much he loves you, especially if he is voicing his concerns at this stage. I'm not saying that's right or wrong, I just think it's the way things work.
As far as you are concerned OP, the fact that sex makes you cringe after only 2.5 years, and that you have no desire for sex makes me think that you are perhaps with the wrong guy. Maybe he senses that you "comply" when you do have sex with him rather than having any desire to be intimate with him and this is making him unhappy. If you do not want to be having sex with him at this point I cannot see this changing unless you try and work through it. You too are being unrealistic if you think you can put up with having sex with your bf on a regular basis when you don't want to, as I imagine you will get more and more unhappy with having to do this, will find more and more excuses, and having more and more rows about it with your bf. You too will end up unhappy as he will be trying to initiate intimacy, and you won't want to be subject to his advances.
I think you need to be honest with your bf and not doing so is unfair to him. If you don't have any desire for sex with your bf, as you state in the first paragraph, then you need to tell him. Sex is important in a relationship; you need to explain how you feel to your bf, see what he says, and go from there. If you are keeping this bottled up then I can only see this going wrong further down the line. I am sure that your bf does love you, however there is clearly an underlying problem here. If you really are cringing at the thought of sex then he needs to know sooner rather than later.
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