A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:DC readers have always helped me out and now I REALLY hope you can help me. I have a great relationship with a friend of mine who I would hope to one day make my girlfriend. I have screwed up before and she has always forgiven me. We are best friends and we do care for each other. We both atteneded a party last week. She had been under the weather and I didn't know if she'd be going. She hadn't contacted me which she normally does. I was upset for not hearing from her but was happy to see her. Unfortunately this party was the first time she's ever really seen me drinking and as I usually do at parties I had WAY too much. And somehow through the course of the evening all of my insecurities and hang-ups from our relationship, things that had bothered me in the past but I thought were long gone, came out. I basically told her I didn't think she gave a damn about me over and over. I even let jealousy, something I thought would never get the best of me, come out when I saw her talking to an ex-boyfriend. She was very sad about my behavior when she told me what happened and I was embarrassed and ashamed that she saw a side of me I didn't know existed. Suffice it to say I am finished with alcohol. She is convinced more than ever that I am not happy and she is the farthest thing from making me happy. The truth is there is very little I am happy about regarding my life. But she is the most important person in my life and the only thing that does make me happy. I screwed up big time. I honestly don't know if she'll ever forgive me at this point. I've called, texted and emailed my apologies, and hope if she lets me, to say them in person very soon. My question, is there anything I can do to let her know how sorry I really am?
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (30 March 2009):
 Well, you know at your age alcohol isn't an excuse for bad behavior that is was when you were a teenager, so you are wise to look into this further...
You could make up for a lot of your behavior by going to AA meetings and learning about why you did what you did. I think that if I were that concerned about a woman that I cared about, I would be willing to prove to her that I was serious about making a change in my own behavior, and attending AA would prove it to her (and to yourself - that you really ARE done with alcohol).
I would also send a handwritten letter that apologizes without making any excuse for my behavior. When you apologize, you should be able to do it once, twice, thrice, as MANY times as it takes, even if begging and groveling are involved. Just own up to what you did without the blame game. It would help if you said you would not blame her if she never forgave you as well, as you said in your question. But all of this must be heartfelt and totally sincere.
I would do this once or twice a week, by letter or by phone, for the next few weeks - without appearing to be hounding her - and then after 3 or 4 weeks, I would let her be. If she HASN'T responded after a whole month, then you have your answer. Leave her in peace.
Sometimes, life lessons, even the one's that we are responsible for, are pretty painful. Are you can do is learn from them. The lesson here is that you shouldn't have to rely on alcohol to entertain yourself at parties and that you, personally don't have control over what you say or do when you drink to excess, and that You hurt the people you love the most when you do. They have the right to walk away from you when you exhibit this kind of disregard for them when you do. It's a harsh truth, but it is true, none-the-less. You are in the drivers seat and your behavior controls your own future.
A
male
reader, MyDestiny +, writes (30 March 2009):
 well make sure you see her in person...and apoligize deeply....and tell her why all those things came out when you were drunk, tell her how you really feel about her, tell her exactly what you said in your 5th paragraph and more....
"The truth is there is very little I am happy about regarding my life. But she is the most important person in my life and the only thing that does make me happy."
so i hope everything goes your way man...i can tell you're hurting, and i really that you keep alcohol out of your life because it just put you in a situation you didnt want to be in
best of luck man
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2009): In vino veritas -- from the wine comes truth. She got a bunch of truths from you that night that normally you'd have the good judgement not to share. And she saw you lose control, which few women find attractive.
OK, you've repeatedly said you're sorry. Now you have to back off and show her that you've learned your lesson, that you no longer drink, and that you genuinely want to earn her respect. That's a slow process, but if you're serious, you'll be patient.
You've got other things going on in your life that have left you unhappy. It'll be easier for her to reconsider you if you've done something to work out those other demons, such as counselling.
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