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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I have just left my partner of two years who was emotionally abusive. I have felt unhappy for months living with him but why do I feel even more unhappy without him? Before I met him I was a happy, lived my best life. Now I feel like a shell of my former self. I have felt lonely and isolated living with him and now feel more lonely. I lived on my own for four years before I met him so it doesn’t bother me living alone until now. I have family and friends around me but I miss him and don’t know why because most of the time he made my life a misery. My friend has said I have trauma bonding because he could be nice and kind.
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male
reader, kenny  +, writes (14 August 2023):
 I understand how you feel, but leaving him was the best thing you could have possibly done.
Break ups are never easy, but i believe time is the healer of all things. Use your own space wisely and try to find things to do that make your heart sing.
You will get there, you are lucky he is out of your life.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (13 August 2023):
 You miss the person you wanted him to be, not the person he actually turned out to be. It is possible he WAS the person you wanted him to be at the beginning but nobody can keep up a show forever; eventually their true self will out.
You also miss the plans and dreams you shared, the future you thought would be yours to share. This all disappeared as soon as you left the relationship. Of course you miss it. Suddenly you look to the future and have no idea what it holds.
You know you can do this. Never make permanent decisions on the back of temporary feelings. In time you will start to regain the real you, the you who doesn't put up with someone's abuse, because you know you deserve better. Hang in there. Sending hugs. Be strong.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (12 August 2023):
 This is by far the BIGGEST reason why people go back to an abusive partner.
Loneliness.
You HAVE to focus on "getting" back to YOU. The YOU before him.
Habits are hard to break. With a partner you settle into a routine (good or bad) and when you find yourself alone that routine has to change.
We don't like change. We don't like to feel lonely.
You need to find what gives you joy. Go to the gym. Get outside and go for walks. Did you have a hobby you "gave" up when you were with him? Pick that back up. Or try a new one.
Exercise is a good way to get back to FEELING like yourself again.
You KNOW you can do this (being single) because you did it before. So focus on finding what gives you joy. And stop beating yourself up for 1. leaving and 2. picking a dude who turned out to be a bad apple.
Chin up, you can do this.
And lastly, ENJOY the silence at home. If that gets to be too much put on some music. Make a nice meal, and go for a walk.
Life is good. It's BETTER because you left.
Make sure there is ZERO contact with him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2023): I can relate to how you’re feeling, and it is normal. I wasn’t in an abusive domestic relationship, but I have an abusive family member I had to cut ties with. It IS hard, especially when you have other family members pressuring you to “reconcile”, or telling you it’s not as bad as you’re making it out to be.
My advice? Stand by your decision as I did with my family member. I’m not going to lie to you or sugar coat anything. This is going to suck for awhile. You’re going to feel guilty. You’re going to have battles in your head about whether or not you made too big of a deal out of his behavior. You’re going to have sleepless nights. You’re going to agonize over what you could’ve said or done differently. You’re going to believe it was all your fault. And so on.
It will pass. It took three years for my bad feelings over my situation to pass, and to have completely made peace with my decision. I knew this person my whole life, though, and my decision also affected other members of the family. So hopefully, it won’t take that long for you since you didn’t know him your whole life, but even if it does, don’t give in. You made the right decision. Doing the right thing is hard, but it is necessary.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2023): There are so many reasons wha you can feel bad, but all of them wilml pass and none of them are reasons to go back to the abuser.1. Nobody wants to be alone. It's a simple fact. Leaving a relationship, no matter how bad it was, is stressful. 2. You didn't go into that relationship BECAUSE he was an abuser. There were some things you liked about him and now, without these qualities (no matter how much stronger was the abuse) you may feel abandoned - even though youw ere the one who left. As I Said, nobody wants to be alone.3. Friends and family are crucial support, but they cannot replace having a partner. You are lucky to have them and in time their support will prove vital. You had developped certain habits with your partner, little things that made you feel safe. It's ok to miss that. This doesj't mean that you are actually missing him.4. Loving and living with abuser can trigger something in a person. Some old wound, insecurity... what we actually wish for is for abuser to stop being abuser and be a nice person, so that we can live happily ever after with them. This never happens and you can either leave and live through this period of adjustment or stay in the vicious circle, where you suffer abuse and try to survive to a very short period of peace and quiet, which you spend dreading the outburst that will surely follow.5. Nobody likes a defeat and sometimes when we leave a ba drelationship it feels like we "lost a battle". And the unknown future seems frightening, so we fantasize about the "devil we know". It's natural. 6. You are emotionally, mentally and phisically exhausted. It will take time to replenish the resources. Once it happens, you won't feel this way. You will findyour old self and enjoy life. It's a good thing that you already have that experience of being "a whole person" and not needing a partner to tell you who you are. Some women unfortunately never had that, which makes this phase very dificult for them and they end up going back to the abusive relationship.This too shall pass!Good for you for protecting yourself and leaving him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2023): You miss the dream you had and you hate having to admit to yourself it was just a dream. In some ways it makes you feel immature and foolish, but most of all it means not being able to look forward to the future knowing you are part of a serious couple. Perhaps this means being single instead, a daunting thought.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2023): Of course you miss him... because you cared about the relationship, so it's only normal for you to miss him. This is what happens very often in abusive relationships...you can call it trauma bonding or you can call it Stockholm syndrome but what you are going through is actually very common.
What you DO need to do is, you have to resist the urge of getting back with him. He is not going to change and you might not even come out of this alive the next time.
I have been through this, believe me. My ex was terribly abusive as well... And while he never hit me, I strongly believe that he was this close to doing it. He would scream at me in public if I didn't do as he wanted me to do, if I would so much as even ask a person on the streets for directions (because he didn't want me talking to another man), if I didn't call him first thing in the morning every day, there would be hell, he would use the most disgusting language for my family, he was insanely jealous that I was doing better than him in life.... And yet he claimed to love me too the end of the earth.
I too still think about him because he was my first serious relationship and I really wanted it to work back then. But boy am I glad it didn't, because he might have killed me by now. I sometimes wonder, what would have happened if I'd married this guy and had a child with him? I shudder when these thoughts cross my head.
You are lucky to be safe and have this man out of your life. Stop romanticizing the good parts.
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