A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I'm having some issues with my daughter. She has 4 children and I'm always there for my grandchildren whether it be emotional support, bdays, Christmas, and so on. We are close. However, I'm noticing my son in laws family seems to be favored. We weren't even invited for family pictures but they were. If I happen to visit my daughter and they're eating I won't be offered anything. Which is uncomfortable. If it's my bday I'll get a text saying happy birthday but that is it. My daughter is financially secure so she can afford to buy me something small if she wanted. She expects me to buy all the time for my grandchildren and her and her husband for Christmas, bdays etc Also, we have been renovating. We asked to borrow a tool . I was quizzed on when we'd return it, and told not to lose the tool. This feels like a one sided relationship in my opinion. Any suggestions?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (12 August 2023):
 There can be so many reasons why.
But this didn't start with the marriage, your relationship with your daughter already had some hiccups I'm guessing.
Or you live further away, or "too close".
Do you show up out of the blue and expect for them to make an extra plate? Or were you invited and didn't take the hint that the visit was over around dinner time?
Personally, if I'm not offered food at someone's house at dinner time I would take my leave. Because it's rude to not at least offer (unless you showed up unexpectedly and meals were planned per person ahead of time), and it's rude to stay if they CLEARLY think the visit is over.
"She expects me to buy all the time for my grandchildren and her and her husband for Christmas, bdays etc"
I would just stick to buying things for the grandkids from now on.
All you got was a text? Wow. Your daughter seems to take you for granted.
Should she buy you a gift, nah no one is OWED a present.
Could she have sent a card at least? Or CALLED!? Or sent flowers for "round birthdays?" Sure. It's what I did and would do for my mom when she was alive.
"We weren't even invited for family pictures but they were."
Who paid? The In-laws perhaps?
I would accept that your daughter may have more on her plate than she tells you. Maybe don't show up unannounced (if you used to do that). And don't sweat the little things.
If you want pictures with her little family and you and your husband SET up a day for that. Pay for it yourself.
Be GLAD that your daughter gets along SO WELL with her inlaws.
"Also, we have been renovating. We asked to borrow a tool. I was quizzed on when we'd return it, and told not to lose the tool."
I don't blame them, tools are expensive! We lend a lawn mower to one of the nieces and guess what? She didn't return it as promised and she let it sit in her yard over winter with 3 months of snow covering it, so in the spring WE had to buy ourselves a new lawn mover. And you know what? She certainly CAN NOT borrow the new or ANY other kind of tool, because of how many times she has lost stuff. And I love my niece.
I think you are reading too much into little things that don't matter. You say you are close, so why haven't you talked to her about how you feel?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2023): There are two basic possibilities: either you're a doormat for your daughter in which case you need to set some boundaries, or your are too needy in which case you need to respect their boundaries.
You say: "If I happen to visit my daughter and they're eating I won't be offered anything."
What do you mean by "If I happen to visit my daughter..."? Do you go over to their place unannounced? I wouldn't tollerate that. My mother would never do such a thing either, because she hated when poeple came over unannounced. If that's the case, you not being offered to join them is a silent way of telling you that it is not ok to barge in like that.
If you feel like yu are being used and disrespected you need to think about your boundaries and make them known. Tjsi relationship is pretty much set and it will take an effort to change it.
My MIL is a very needy person (narcissist tendencies) and if it were up to my husband we would never see her and have almost no contact with her (we support her financially, btw and she lives in our appartment). But, I helped him find a way to compromise. The porblem is, whenever we let our gard down, she's ready to bite our hand off. That's just the way she is. Maybe you'll need tod o teh same thing with your daughter - always keep remanding her of what you expect and what you give in return. It's not ideal, but if it works than it is better than nothing.
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