A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello all,Please can I have your thoughts on the following if possible. Thanks.I dated a guy coming up to a year ago now. All was well, until after a couple of months he turned out to be controlling and nasty. By the time I found this out, I was totally in love with him and vulnerable. I got very depressed, and had to take time off work, and the 'relationship' became extremely hard work, and I was too weak to get out. Anyway, I finally found some strength over the months to stay out of it, but the problem has been is that he is still popping up in various ways. On messenger, or will leave some sort of cryptic message on the dating website we met on,( I will be deleting my profile soon) or he used to send me random texts asking how I was, even after I had made it quite clear it was over. It seems that just as I am getting better, he does something to stir it all up again, and I get angry, and upset, and my feelings come back to the surface. Why is this? I respond to him, then he ignores me again. I went out with someone else for a couple of months earlier this year, and was fairly happy, but it didn't work out, and I made the mistake of contacting the ex after who repeatedly ignored me which drove me nuts, then he sent me a message commenting on how nice my photos were two weeks later. I went nuts and sent him a nasty message thinking that would finally end this stupidity, and then he appears on messenger every time I go on it.( he had I think blocked me for weeks before that) I won't contact him again ever, but what I want to understand is why he has kept this up for so many months? He knew how much I loved him, but would not leave me in peace to get over him, and never really has, and I don't know why? I know I am to blame too, as I usually respond, because I still love him. but I also know he is not good for me, but why won't he leave me in peace? I'm so angry at he moment. Not just with him, but with myself for falling for it over and over again. The last time I saw him was in February. It was fine, and he admitted he had been bad, and could he see me again when I have some free time? I said ok, as I still had deep feelings for him, then I thought better of it and went off with the other guy, then decided to give him a call after that - more than one call in fact, and he repeatedly ignored me then sent the photos comment. I really want to move on from this, and yes, I know I am going to have to be the one to cut all ties for good, but to do that I somehow need some insight into his motivation for his sporadic contact over the last 11 months? That would make it easier for me, once I understand that. I know this whole post sounds rather confusing, but I am confused, and would like some objective views please. Thanks xx
View related questions:
depressed, move on, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHI Aunty EmThanks for that link. :o) It's a really good site - full of lots of useful information.It's helped me tons. I am suffering a bit, and made the mistake of calling him from a witheld number last night. He did not asnwer, and I still haven;t had the strength to block him from messenger, but I'm getting there, It;s really hard.. almost like an endurance test at the moment, as everytime I go on it - he pops up, even though I was horrible to him with the vile messages. I don't know what his angle is, but I do know I have to keep strong and let go of my curiosity. Thanks. XXX
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello all, and thank you so much for taking the time to answer my question. :o) Auntie Em. Thank you for the link - it was certainly helpful!! I do not want to be that boomerang girl, and will not be. Jannie peg. yes you are right - He wnats to occupy my mental space. I will no longer let him. Fish Dids - i have deleted my account permanently from the dating site and it feels good. I am not completely off his radar, and will block any further contact on the phone and on messenger. It;s that only way forward, and I really want to move on properly now. Thank you all. xx
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (7 May 2011):
 Read this...it will help you a lot because it helped me with the same thing.
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/boomerang-relationships-the-yo-yo-girl/
Em x
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 May 2011):
 The faster way to move on is not to try to understand him. His sporadic behavior makes you curious. He wants to occupy your mental space. He can't be with you but at least he knows that you are still thinking about him. When you give time and energy pondering about his behavior, hating yourself for it, you delay your moving on process, and that's what he wants. Controlling people look at others as extensions. He does not care whether you are moving on. I know some nasty boyfriends who would hook up with exes before exes from years before, like they are people collectors, or persistent sales person keeping in touch with you in your mail box just so you would remember the brand name. He's no longer important, so stop thinking about him.
...............................
A
female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (7 May 2011):
 you need to cut the ways he's getting access to you. Like you mentioned, you should shut down your dating profile and permanently close that account. Block or delete his number from your phone. If you're facebook or connected to any other kind of social networking site, block him or remove him or yourself from the environment.
Don't be hard on yourself for giving into strong feelings. It's kind of like if you relapse from a drug. First of all, that drug was your life. Then, you realized it was bad for you, etc. and relapses are just because the strong feelings you have, good and bad toward a person draws us back to them. We crave closure. We want assurance that our lives will be ok without them but need to hear it or get that feeling from them. Anyway, don't be hard on yourself about it, just accept that as a minor slip up that won't happen again, and don't look back.
As for what he's getting out of it, it COULD be another form of his control,particularly because he's seeing he's really losing you. Or it could be that he's going through the same struggles and gives in to his own missing you feelings. Like I mentioned, blocking him will help you not even have a crisis whether to answer, and will help you not open old wounds (we do that enough on our own thinking through the break up, don't you think?). Hope that helps.
...............................
|
