A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear CupidI know the post is long, please read it through and help me. I have been with this person for 3 years, I cook, clean after him, work and pay 3/4 of expenses at home, get him nice gifts for his birthdays and Christmas, never ask for marriage or for anything, other than talk to me time to time.But he spends almost all of his free time with his friend (particularly a married guy), never gets me anything, never does his share of chores at home, and never takes me anywhere nowadays. I am not supposed to call him even once when he is at work or with his friends, if I do he disconnects the call or switches off his phone, never introduces me with his new friends. I know for sure he is not having affair behind my back.I don’t want to leave him, I tried many times, but I always end up going back to him. Nowadays he doesn’t even buy it when I say I’m going to leave him, actually says he'll be relieved if I leave him. he calls me a dumb idiot when I forgot to pick up his stuff from store, tells me that’s my job.I know I don’t have even an ounce of self-esteem left, I don’t have friends, I was always an introvert, not close with my family, don’t have anyone to talk to or turn to. He doesn’t abuse me physically, but I find it too difficult to live with all his rules, 1) Never call him 2) Never text him3) Never ask for anything4) Know my place5) Behave and never have any expectations of any sort with him6) Never believe in future with himThe list goes on. What should I do, please help me
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2013): The best thing to do is to stop going back to him.
With respect, what is happening to you is your own fault because you refuse to leave him. You cant change how he behaves. You can only change how you behave.
You will be a much happier person without him but you wont find that out until you leave and dont ever go back again. Honestly, you do not need this person as much as you think you do. Leave him for good and you will discover this for yourself. Please dont make yourself a victim. There really is no need for it.
There is someone out there who will be perfect for you but you will not be able to meet him while you are with this person.
So do yourself a favour and give up with this person and look for someone who will love and respect you. And that respect starts with you learning to respect yourself x
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (11 April 2013):
 Even Introverts have a backbone to leave a relationship like this one… I read you’re a glutton for punishment, even when he’d be relieved if you left.
Is there something medically stopping you from understanding this from him? Or do you need to be thrown out to get the message? A not so close family is still far better than suffering abuse on a daily basis!?
Take Care – CAA
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (11 April 2013):
Dear OP,
If you've been strong enough to put up with all this for three years, then you are strong enough to make it without him.
Since you never got anything from him, you're actually independent already. You've got a job that can pay your expenses and no obligation towards him, since you're not married. No kids that will be heartbroken.
If you stay with him, nothing will change for the better. He doesn't value you or love you. If you didn't make his live that comfortable - would he even keep you as a friend? Or would he dump you right away as soon as you're not providing anymore?
I'm telling you this in such hard words because please realize that your feelings on him are a waste of time. I don't know what you call this - love, a relationship - but it's an illusion. And you know that already, or you wouldn't have posted this. It's really hard to face that.
But you need to go.
Not only are you staying in a bad situation, you also miss the chance to change for the better. You may not have friends now, but if you get out of this slavery, you might finally have the time to care about yourself, to have hobbies, go out, meet new and friendly people.
Maybe counselling would be a good idea to help you through this transition. I can understand it's hard to do it all alone. Keep us updated.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 April 2013):
 Ok you are not going to leave him. He knows this and so do I. I'm not even going to tell you to leave him because you KNOW that's what you need to do.
Since you WON'T leave him we have to set it up so he throws you out... and that my dear will be very easy! You just need to stop rowing the boat and make him work a bit.
first of all stop paying 3/4 of the bills. Pay for your share of them only. Is the lease in both names? Yes? pay half... only in his name? oh well pay NOTHING this is his problem. Same for utilities and such... his name his problem.
Food... stop cooking at home. buy your own meals as take out and either bring it home and eat it or eat it there.
DO NOT cook for him
do not clean up after him
do not do his laundry
DO NOT have physical relations with him.
do not run his errands
and when he talks to you if he calls you names say "I'm not going to listen to your bad words" and get up and LEAVE....
do not try to call him
do not ask him questions
do not engage him in converssations
do not sleep in his bed... move to the spare room if there is no one sleep on the couch.
In other words, treat him like a complete stranger in his own home... do not try to fix this. do not make him happy.
if you have family and friends.. go stay with them. leave a note that says... "I'm fine I've gone away for a few days" DO NOT TELL HIM WHERE YOU ARE and see what happens... either he will blow your phone up (do not answer as he's being manipulative and will be begging you to come back.) or he will ignore you AND THAT ALONE tells you all you need to know. you are the cook, the maid and the handy penis holder nothing more.
the first time he hits you (or manhandles you) (and he will if you do all of the above trust me) you call the police, have him arrested and POOF YOU ARE DONE.
I agree with YouWish that you are afraid of being alone and afraid of the unknown... but truthfully anything is going to be better than the abuse you are suffering.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (11 April 2013):
 WOW!!!! How much more abusive could a guy BE to a woman before she catches on and sends him on his way??????
YOU are being played for the fool.... Is that what you expected when you took up with this creature?????
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 April 2013):
 ...It does not seem you can talk much to him either, since he switches off his phone when you call him or text him.
And, you may not have people to talk to, but, let's put it this way : at least the people you don't talk to- can't call you a dumb idiot.
This really sounds like a typical case of " better alone than badly matched ".
I understand that you may be afraid of loneliness, but, if you call a spade a spade, what are you now in this relationship , if not LONELY ? Only , on top of it, you also get to be verbally and emotionally abused, and to spend more than your fair share.
Leave him, any change now in your situation can only be a change for the better.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 April 2013):
 How much longer are you going to suck your life and the time you will *never* get back to his worthless cheating ass? You're his maid and his sex slave.
Nothing will change unless you change it. If he's relieved if you break up with him, then why stay?
Believe it or not, this isn't about your self-esteem. This is about your FEAR of the unknown. You're terrified that the life you have alone wondering if someone else could love you. What are you afraid of? Being alone? Hah! Many alone people have rich and full and happy lives.
Stop being afraid and start getting angry. No, start getting enraged. No. Start getting furious and frustrated and mad as hell and refusing to take it anymore. Get mad at your chains. Get pissed as bloody hell that he's stealing the part of your life where you have good looks and youthful energy, sucking your life out of you until you are nothing but a hollow shell. Self-esteem be damned! Get so mad that your fear becomes a secondary emotion. You already know he's horrible. Now treat him like he is.
This "but I love him" is absolute horse crap. You're just afraid to change. He doesn't respect you. Now get angry and leave him. Get some friends to help you. Once you do leave him, consider him dead to you because you don't go crawling back to dead people. I'm not talking about physically hurting him. I'm talking about leaving him and never looking back. It takes anger to do that. Now use it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2013): PLEASE leave him.
It will be the best thing you've ever done.
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