A
female
age
51-59,
*ansplace
writes:Recently married but been with my husband for 10 years. We of course have been through our ups and downs, and even separation in our relationship after I found out he had a baby outside of me. After 2 years of being separated we had a baby and got back together. We just got married August of this year everything to me seemed to be going okay, but I recently found out that he's been chatting on the phone with a female. (saw his phone bill) and it's not short periods of time but long ones. Of course I confronted him and as usual he doesn't know what I'm talking about and he's not doing anything with anyone. Yesterday I asked to see he's phone log and there was nothing, so I went to his phonebook and called the number, and she answers so I asked what was going on. She proceeds to tell me nothing and that she know all about me, and I don't want them to be friends than she will stop calling him. She claims that they've been friends for a couple of months. My thing is I know most of his friends why don't I know her? Where did she come from, and why do men think its okay to chat with other women outside of your relationship. I think it's disrespectful and opens the door for anything to happen, especially if they are talking and texting everyday...my heart is shattered. I want to trust him but have some doubts. What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2009): srange he didn't know what you were talking about when you first confronted him.
tell him frankly that he needs to stop communicating with this woman, and also advise him that you have spoken to her as well. do not hide anything, just tell him that he needs to make a decision in his life. perhaps his woman friend or you??? where did she come from?
A
female
reader, ransplace +, writes (27 September 2009):
ransplace is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you for everyone's response. I will take everything into consideration. I pray everything gets better. Honestly I love this man dearly!
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A
female
reader, obsticalfree +, writes (27 September 2009):
I agree with softouchmale's comments one other thing... talk to him soon she will have told him you called. So don't wait that long and this woman don't think she was nice a woman doesn't make 'friends' with a married man and NOT meet the wife whilst he may of been innocent she definitely strayed over walls.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (27 September 2009):
 Its hard to gauge what's going on here. As a male, I have a lot of female friends. I like them as friends, I love them as friends. I might even adore them as friends. Long conversations are just that. Friends talk and chat.
There is however a line drawn between friends leaning on each other through troubled times, and friends having an emotional affair.
What this looks like is that you've got a suspicion, and it looks pretty strong from this perspective, that your husband is having an emotional affair with this woman.
Your suspicions are founded on the fact that you know most of his friends, except her.
If you want this to be put to rest, you have to sit down with your husband, and even though you think he's lying to you; and even though you don't want to trust him very much at the moment; you need to tell him point-blank that you're in excruciating pain over what he's doing.
The reason why you're feeling this way is because she's a "secret" friend to you, even though he's not making too many efforts to hide her from you. What you are suspecting is that he's giving all of his loving attention to her, and ignoring or neglecting your emotional needs as a woman.
Perhaps that's your greatest fear of all.
Though he may not have had any physical contact with her, that doesn't mean he's not taking things away from you.
So the thing to do here, and I know this hurts so very much, and I can empathize with the pain in your heart right now; its to confront him and tell him you're hurting very badly over this. Tell him that you're concerned that you've failed him somehow too, in that he seems to be reaching out to someone else when he should be looking to you for emotional support and meeting his needs as a man.
If anything, if he truly loves you, if he's done something or crossed some line, I suspect he'll recognize it and be open about it. But more importantly, he has to be there to support you now and help you heal over this. Which means he has to spend time paying attention to your emotional well-being and your security and trust in this relationship. And likewise you have to know what it is that this other woman gives him that he feels he can't ask for from you.
If that means he has to cut all contact with this new-found "friend" then perhaps he's going to realize it and will do the right thing.
The two of you need to be close emotionally and physically to maintain your marriage and keep the love alive in your relationship together. No marriage and no relationship can sustain itself without paying attention to each other and devoting time and energy, efforts and emotional support to each other.
People can be happy together for an entire lifetime if they choose to be. Its that simple.
I hope this helps you and I truly feel for what you're going through. This is very hard for you, and anyone responding to this will tell you that you are right to feel this way, and, there is a solution.
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A
female
reader, Dannii689  +, writes (27 September 2009):
 Sit down with your husband and have a talk with him. dont jump to your guns and shout, as this can make him quieten up more. Let him know that you are still uneasy as he has been unfaithful before and you love and trust him but there is still a niggling doubt, especially when he doesnt tell you anything, just ask in a calm collected manner. If he still doesnt tell you then to be honest, he is not wanting to tell you something,then consider leaving as there is no point in a relationship without trust. If you both cannot build up trust then there is no point in carrying on in a shadow of lies and confusion.
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