A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please bare with me as this will be long!I'm in such a predicament and I'm getting too old for it to be a problem any longer.I was 23 I met someone who no one else has ever come close to. He was everything I looked for in a partner and I know I truly loved him. We had a blissful relationship for just over a year, then circumstances beyond our control meant we had to go our separate ways. We lost touch for 2 years then out of the blue he called me. We spoke maybe once a week, kept it friendly. In time we both found new partners, but kept our friendship (hidden from our partners, I must add) Almost 10 years have now passed. Neither of us can make a relationship with anyone else work. He has a partner of 4 years, but claims he is not happy and from what I can gather by what he tells me and what she puts on social media, neither is she.Neither of us can understand why we can't leave each other alone - it's been a topic of conversation many, many times for us. We live 500 miles apart, we have no friends in common anymore, hell we have little in common full stop! We aren't 'friends' on any social media. We have no reason to stay in touch, but we do. The way we are, we are basically in a relationship without actually being in a relationship. Here's my problem.2 years ago I met someone else. He's a great guy, adores me. Loads in common, he's a wonderful person. He has a couple of downfalls, he's in a lot of debt and hasn't been the best boyfriend to his previous girlfriends, by his own admission. He and I have had some bad arguments, but I know I could be very, very happy with him. I can see a future with him, a happy one at that. When I first realised how I felt about this man, I briefly stopped contact with the other man. For maybe a month. I missed the other one terribly and pined for him, praying it would be him every time my phone went off.Recently this new man went away with work for a fortnight and was pretty much uncontactable. I missed him, but nothing like how I missed the other one.Here's my predicament. I know that if I'm to have a serious relationship with someone, I must cut the other guy off. But I feel so connected to him, so in love with him if I'm honest, that it's unimaginable to not speak to or see him again. However when I'm with the new guy, I pine for the other guy. The new guy is here, ready and wanting a relationship, the old guy has said many times he wants to be together, but when circumstances change (5 years approx). I don't want to wait for something, knowing it may never happen. But the thought of moving on and completely giving up on the chance that it might happen, is killing me.I'm going out of my mind. Please someone help, what can I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2014): Thank you, CindyCares. What you've written is exactly what I think (when I'm thinking rationally, that is!) but putting it into action, ie not being with either and making a break from both of them, is exactly what I know I should do, but it's so much easier said than done.
WiseOwl, can you please tell me what you mean by that? I thought you reply was in short, very nasty and uncalled for. I asked a question for advice, not to be had a go at. Please tell me how what I've written means I enjoy drama? Believe me, I do not. Also could you please tell me why you think what I've written is not real?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2014): You don't really want a proper relationship with anyone.
You seem addicted to the first guy; because he brings you drama, and you don't want a relationship unless it has complications. You seem to enjoy placing yourself in the middle; dramatizing how torn you are between more than one man. Your own little self-orchestrated romance novel.
You just can't tear yourself away from your secret lover and your clandestine fantasy romance. While you figure out how to draw even more drama from another shaky relationship chocked full of ticking time-bombs that will create even more drama and suspense as time passes.
Sorry, situations like you describe don't just happen; they are created by a vivid imagination. Both situations are so easy to just walkaway from; because no one has time for all that nonsense, if they really want to find love.
When you decide to stop play-acting in your little fantasy, you'll return to the world of reality, and perhaps find a guy and settle down. It is uncertain if any of what you've written is real at all.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 October 2014):
 A crude but sensible proverb of my area says : Who lives in wait ,dies in shit.
Rationally, yours is an unacceptable bet from starters.
Would you lend somebody a relevant sum of money on his promise that " perhaps " he is going to reimbourse you in 5 years time ? No ,right ?
Would you stay in a poorly paid job that does not give you enough for your needs, on their declaration that
" maybe " they'll give you a pay rise in 5 years ?
Withot considering that, lo and behold, basically you are having an emotional ( at least, I SUPPOSE it is emotional only ) affair with a taken guy. He may be unhappy with his current arrangement- but obviously he is not so unhappy to terminate it. Which does not make him ( or, sorry to say, either of you, as for that, since you too are with somebody right now ) the most reliable person ever.
As for the new guy , he may be wonderful ( ... although not that sure about the "full of debts" thing, that would be a big minus for a perspective partner , if you should decide to merge your destinies... and financial assets ; it would make him quite less than ideal ) but I bet that he is wonderful on paper because your mind tells you that he ticks most of your boxes so he SHOULD be wonderful. But obviously you heart does not feel the same and refuses to cooperate. If you are IN LOVE with someone else- as you admit- how can the current guy be " the one " for you ? If he was, you'd be in love with him, not with an old flame !
Conclusion, sorry but I think you can find happiness with neither one. Take heart, there are always other chances, other choices, other possibilities, at any age... if we just refuse to be stubborn , coward and needy.
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