A
female
age
30-35,
*essica12113
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. We used to have a lot of fun together , hanging with friends, drinking, going out etc... I got pregnant right away. After being together for 4 months I got pregnant with our son. The whole pregnancy I worked as a manager at mcdonalds on my feet for 8-10 hours a day, most of the time with no break at all in between. He knew all this. I would ask him for a back rub once in a blue moon and he wouldn't even do it. It was a hassle to him. We worked opposite shifts and he has no license or car and hes 21 , so I have to pick him up and drop him off after working all night mind you at this point even 9 months pregnant having to pick him up in the winter at 1 am. I had our son this past May and ever since I got pregnant things haven't been the same. He will not kiss me, hug me, call me from work to check up on me and the baby, he wont do anything sweet randomly, he doesn't ever say im pretty or anything, we havent really had sex and when he tries to do it with me, he just tries to get straight to it and shove it in instead of being intimate kissing on my neck , licking down there first , kissing me ...he does nothing at all to get me going. Its like he just wants to shove it right in with no warning. :/ He works with mostly women and I dont like any of them because he works at the mcdonalds as a manager just like I was back then now and works with all he little bitties I cant stand. I quit there like 2 months ago for a better job. But when I randomly go in there to get something from him or whatever I always see him talking and joking around with everyone there, who he tells me he cant stand. But when he comes home and sees me he never has anything to talk about, nothing to say, no smile, no kiss, no conversation nothing. He never even tries to talk about anything with me at all. I am miserable and Ive told him all of this and exactly how I feel and he makes no changes at all. But whenever I say I want to break up with him and move out he says "can you stop" like he dont want to break up. So whats going on, what does he want from me, why is he like this? Im confused , depressed, upset, lonely and just lost . Im currently trying to lose about 40 lbs to see if maybe his actions will change but well see I guess. Oh i forgot to mention he will watch porn and masterbate when Im not around because Ive seen things in his phone he forgot to delete and stuff so its like what the hell am i doing wrong? I do everything for him including giving him his child. I say nice things to him , I try to be seductive and all that, I work for a living, I dont get any of it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2014): I don't want you to go away crushed, because you did want a baby. So you are blessed.
Unfortunately he wasn't given the choice to be a willing sperm donor. Nowhere in any of your posts do you say he wanted to have a child. You decided he was the one, maybe he was but having a baby was not in his plans. He is obviously resentful of that.
Babies are not a mistake; they are a responsibility.
It's your body, and your responsibility to protect it.
Having a baby should be a choice made in mutual agreement.
You are absolutely correct that he had half the responsibility to wrap it up, and I said so.
Sometimes you don't get a baby; you could get infected with something deadly if the proper precautions aren't taken. You act as though he has some obligation to want to be a father when he didn't plan it.
You made a decision for the both of you. He apparently was not the one. You didn't ask him if he wanted a baby.
Well, it seems he neither wants to be forced to be a father; nor to continue being your boyfriend. He has no choice about his moral and financial responsibility for his child. The law says so. He does have a choice about being with you.
I'm hoping the best for you and the child.
A
female
reader, jessica12113 +, writes (4 October 2014):
jessica12113 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI didn't get pregnant to trap him with me. That's not the case. I wanted to have a baby and I truly loved him and thought he was the one considering I was 23 already I didn't want to wait until I was 30 to have a child. He wasn't ready but I was. And it's his fault that he didn't use condoms since he so didn't want a child yet. I'm happy regardless with my child whether things work out or not. It's okay. Well thank you for your answers to my questions and I will see how things turn out in the end.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2014): Why did you have to give up all your friends and everyone for a guy? Why would you think all you need is one person in your life? Well, you have plus one that depends on you; minus one who you're trying to force to be as into you as you're into him.
You made a big mistake. Maybe not taking precautions to avoid getting pregnant, you thought it was a way you'd keep him. Guys know when they've been trapped, and they don't react kindly to it.
Well, I guess this is what you've got; and what you've got to live with until you change it.
Reconnect with your old friends and others. You can't force anyone to love you. Tearing-up doesn't mean diddly. If he loved you, you wouldn't have had to write these posts.
Things happen for a reason. I think you will be okay. Look to your family and friends for support. You must have seen him slipping away before you got pregnant.
When survival-mode kicks in, and your motherly instincts takeover; nothing will mean more to you than your baby and yourself. Right now, that's all that really matters anyway.
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A
female
reader, jessica12113 +, writes (1 October 2014):
jessica12113 is verified as being by the original poster of the question& I also forgot to mention that once I had already been pregnant for over 3 months which he already knew I was the moment I found out and took the test, he wanted to all of a sudden use condoms like I wasn't already pregnant or that I would become un-pregnant, or pregnant x2. ....I never understood it and I asked him about it and alls he had to say was I dont know. He can never give me an answer for anything , its either what do you want me to say , or I don't know, or all together nothing at all. He tries to tell me he does love me but I ask him how he can even say that he loves someone when he acts the way he does and Ill lay all his actions out in front of him so he can realize all that he does not do for me and all the heartbreak he makes me feel and all that. He even starts to tear up sometimes looking like he actually does care but doesnt know how to express it. Even though Ive told him how . eghh stress :'(
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A
female
reader, jessica12113 +, writes (1 October 2014):
jessica12113 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo your basically saying he didn't want to stay with me forever and things are not going to ever get any better between us? I love him and I dont know why. Maybe its the baby, because I can't think of any other reason why. :( I don't know what to do right now. I gave up all my friends and all the people I used to talk to just to be with him. Because to me , he was my best friend and lover so I felt like I didn't need anyone else in my life. Now I have like 1 friend who has her own life going on as well and Im stuck in this relationship that feels like nothing anymore. I really dont know what to do .
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2014): Hi, Jessica! I think your boyfriend, just enjoyed being a boyfriend and partying with no responsibilities. He is subconsciously feeling you're to blame for the good-times coming to an end, and you both becoming parents. Now you're like married-people, he doesn't feel the freedom he once had. That carefree life is gone, and you now devote your money and time to taking care of a baby. It is probably the only thing that connects the two of you. He may feel trapped, and cannot reward you for it.
You're now a woman and a mother. You accept that responsibility. He is still a boy, and a reluctant father. I don't think it would be fair to say he doesn't care for you and the baby; but I do think it's fair to say there is some resentment he holds inside for his predicament. It wasn't in his plans. Well, he didn't wrap it up; so it is what it is.
He doesn't feel like rubbing your back or showing you affection; because you were only supposed to be his girlfriend until he was ready to move on. You were his sidekick and partner in crime. Suddenly, you became pregnant, and changed all that. He now has to face adulthood and fatherhood in one big swoop. He can't just give you a wave and step-off. He is half the reason you are where you are; but being such a boy, he doesn't own his responsibility in how everything has turned out. He might at some point in time, he's just not capable of that now.
You are two young people who had a lot of life ahead of you. Now there is a new factor added to this equation. Your son. He has changed your futures. For the better or for worse. That is up to you. He is a blessing all the same.
The only thing "you both" did wrong, was not use condoms or birth control. His feelings and plans were never set for long-term. You're experiencing all he really has to offer you emotionally. He may not have it in his heart to offer you what you need from him. You want him to be loving. His resentment for his situation may not allow him to let that out.
He definitely lacks the maturity and desire necessary to be a "make-believe" husband and father. That is what you're expecting from him. Sex is now a duty, not the spontaneous pleasurable activity you shared as two fun-loving kids with no responsibilities. He would probably walkaway if he could, and he can't and won't fake it for your benefit.
It is sort of the bed you've made, and you have to adapt to the situation as it is; until you think of a way to change your circumstances. There is a song by singer-songwriter, Bonnie Raitt. It's called "I can't make you love me." I'm not by any means implying your boyfriend doesn't love you; but not the way you need him to. The song expresses the anguish of a person caring for a person who just doesn't reciprocate. She is coming to the realization she can't make him love her, if he doesn't. But she loves him all the same.
My dear, you're doing nothing wrong. You're with the wrong guy. He was meant to party with you and you were his lady. Now your relationship demands a lot more responsible than he wants it to, and he doesn't have the feelings to match yours.
Don't fault your weight, or take it all upon yourself. That's just not fair. He lacks the maturity for such great responsibility. He doesn't even drive.
You have a lot to reflect on. You have proven yourself more than mature and responsible as a young woman. You just don't have a partner to match.
No matter what the outcome of your situation will be, see to it he fulfills his financial and moral responsibilities as a father. Do everything you feel best for your son and yourself. Without saying, I'll let you figure out your ultimate solution. Time will tell.
If he makes a 360 degree turn, that may be long into the future. Be selfish, if he doesn't give you what you need. If it means he has to go, so be it. I think his full intention is to freeze you out. I hope I'm wrong.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (1 October 2014):
Your mistake was getting pregnant by the wrong guy and trying to force a relationship. There's nothing you can do to fix things since they're not broken.
Unfortunately, its time to accept this and move on.
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