A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a friend who initially started out as someone I had a flirtation with. It was very intense and we became emotionally involved with each other. For various reasons her and I being together is not possible. The flirting and telling each other how much we wanted each other became torturous and eventually something had to give and we had time apart. She said it was because it terrified her how all consuming her infatuation for me was. I felt the same. After time apart we rebuilt our friendship and she is now one of my closest friends. We care about each other very deeply but have never crossed that line ever again. We speak daily and confide a lot in each other and although we now define ourselves as just very close friends occasionally she does something that makes me think that she too has never quite gotten over what happened between us. Next week she is coming to the town I live in in the evening for a work thing and she asked to see me. It sucked because I have to be elsewhere so couldn't see her. So now she is travelling 4 hours in the morning - when I am free - just to have breakfast with me - before heading to another town (2 hours away) then back to my town in the evening for her work there. This seems like a lot of effort just to see me. From an outsiders point of view - does this person still have feelings for me?
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female
reader, llifton  +, writes (5 June 2014):
 I don't know why you two couldn't take it further, but if I had to guess, it was about the whole gay issue? Being gay, myself, I've experienced women who had hesitations. They usually were overcome. However, it was still really hard.
Anyway, I get the impression that you do want this to be something more than just friends, and she is the one holding back? If that's the case, I do think it is a bit out of her way just for a friend. If I were her and the person were really just a friend, I would just simply chalk it up to unfortunate over-lapping schedules and say "maybe next time." But that's a whole lot of driving out of her way for a "friend."
I'm not saying it is or isn't a sign she's still interested either way. But if I had to guess, she sounds as if she is. But that would bring a whole new obstacle even if she were. If my suspicions are correct about her hesitstions to date a woman, you're still in for a world of hurt if you do try to make it work. Women who are not okay with their sexuality are always a nightmare to date. Trust me on that.
Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2014): When there are so many obstacles that keep your relationship to this girl in the "friend-zone;" that is usually a sign that is where it belongs. Friendships that fluctuate between romantic and platonic, are too unstable. The emotional confusion will only lead to conflict.
You're subconsciously staying out of reach. You realize it will not work, but you sense she keeps trying in spite of it. If you don't get to see each other that much, it may only be that she is just eager to spend time together in-person.
Close friends do want to actually share your time and space. Not always shout to us from a distance. Stop running, and just enjoy a breakfast with a "friend." If you feel she is taking it further than you want to go, let her know. Straight up honesty keeps things in place. Wiggling and dithering around in your own mixed emotions seems to be the problem.
You secretly want her to consistently pursue you; while you continue running in the other direction. STOP IT! Stop trying to read things into her behavior, and just take things at face-value. You're over-thinking her intentions.
You know how to ask questions if you need answers.
Being close friends is working. So keep it there, and stop messing around with it. Don't turn it into friends with benefits. I grow weary of the mess that results from friends who can't maintain the boundaries of friendship.
Complicating what is good, by trying to play it back and forth. It's best to stay in one place; or end it, and move on altogether.
No, a long trip is not going out of the way if you really care for a friend. People cross oceans to see friends; so a few hours train ride to have breakfast is not necessarily a sign of unrequited love or infatuation; but the love of a real friend. If it is determined to be residual infatuation; tell her how you really feel, and stop messing around with her feelings. Let her know things will not change from what they are. Make sure she knows.
My question is; is it her, or is it really you?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 June 2014):
 My question is... Does it matter if she still have feelings for you?
If you two can't BE together (other then as friends) I would honestly, just NOT go there. I would enjoy her company for breakfast as the good friend she now is. Otherwise you two might just burn for a short while and lose each other as friends.
My only concern is, have you considered that staying friends is holding YOU back from pursuing another relationship with someone who CAN be with you?
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