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female
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*ast2
writes: I have been HURT sooo many times by my ex-husband. Several times while we were married, then he wanted back into my life again. So, I did. Again he has hurt me and the kids. Now, I know I have to be the better person for my kids. One big problem, I actually love this man so much, I cannot be nice to him even though I know I should b/c of the kids. My ex NOW wants us to be "friends" and communicate every day. When I hear his voice I instantly get angry. Because he has hurt me over, and once I actually get over the hurt he does it to me again, b/c I allowed him back into my life. Even if we do try to be friends - I could never trust him. How do I put the man I KNOW is the love of my life somewhere in my heart and hide him.
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female
reader, Angelicc  +, writes (8 April 2006):
 i think i'm going keep my answer simple. tell him no your not ready... let him be a father to your kids...tell him you not ready to begin a friendship.
i know you want to be on good term's with your ex but it's unfair of him to ask you to begin a friendship with him after what he's put you thro.
you need time to get over him, if he really wanted to begin a friendship with you he'll understand that you need time.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2006): Well, I strongly believe that it's hard to be "friends" with exes, especially when there is one wounded person and one guilty person. That just never works out. But in a nutshell...you need to 'wash this man out of your system', dear and that will take time. He's hurt you, time and time again..yet you feel this toxic, unhealthy love for him. You need to know that a healthy true love is not like this..it shouldn't be a painful ordeal. Real love is not all-consuming anger, hurt and it isn't suffocating and constricting. This relationship is over and you need to get your addictive feelings of toxic love for this man, in check. If you can start seeing this relationship for what it really is...then you will be able to move on and begin having more loving, functional relationship with another potential partner, in your future. It's over with this ex...so remember a relationship that ends is not a failure or a punishment - it's a lesson. You owe this man 'nothing'. But you are deeply shortchanging yourself to future happiness if you keep up this addiction to him.
As long as you convince yourself, that you have to him in your life to be happy, you are really just an addict trying to protect your supply - you are inadvertently using him as your 'drug' of choice. That is not True Love - nor is it loving. Get him out of your life (or as little as possible) and get out there and live..open your heart to real, respectful, trusting love. You have choices and you can make clear, strong decision about where you are headed in life. Make them the happiest, most sensible choices for you and your kids.
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A
female
reader, Sexybum +, writes (6 April 2006):
 I really think you are starting to realise what is happenning here. From what you've said (and I speak from myown experience) there doesn't seem to be much anyone can say to encourage you to take complete control of the situation. Because to do that would mean being assertive to this man, shocking him, (and you think being mean to him) There's no way on the earth you can do this because you love him so much and I think you feel responsible to keep on loving him and being there for him. Afterall isn't that what is love is about?
Well no not really. I do exactly the same thing with my man, the difference is we do not have childrena nd we are not and have never been married. I can understand your behaviour in taking him back and still wanting him in your heart. I think you have asked this question more for comfort than answers, but I do have an answer that I would love you to try or at least think about.
Have yuo ever heard the saying 'You can love someone but not be IN love with them' Maybe the amount of times that you have been hurt has doused your confidence so much, that you are no longer assertive in a effective way. You don't have faith in yourself or your relationships because like you said you can't trust! You've put up safety walls to prevent yourself being hurt again, and it is these walls that are preventing you from trusting, loving and being actually happy.
I would suggest that you embark on a througher course of counselling to help you face your demons and eventually help you realise and make the changes that you need to in order to have happy relationships and life! I 'm not joking, I really don't see any other way of you breaking this pattern. It is the only thing that has effectively helped me. I'll tell you know it takes time and dedication. You have to be prepared to dig up things yu thought you had buried and understand that at the end you will be able to look back on this situation and see that you now have control over it.
If you want to love this man you must understand that you will not be able to unless you pick yourself up again and are happy. You need your confidence and you need your assertiveness, as soon as you have that you WILL be able to make better decisions!!!
Please let me know what you think!
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