A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:confused and felling stupiedIve bin in my relationship for 15yrs, have 2 lovely boys, but their father is such a looser, abusers the 3 of us mentally but also physically abusers me, I feel like a bad mum allowing my children to grow up around him but he is their father, You cant really tell what mood he will be in, my kids dont really look to him as their father they call hm a mean man, and that makes me cry cause i dont want that for my children, I know i have to leave him for good, my head is telling me to leave but my heart is saying otherwise, Im a fool i know i am, please help me. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2009): I left an abusive relationship a year ago, and believe me, it's an *incredibly* hard thing to do, especially when you love the guy (and I don't even have kids!) You've been in it for 15 years--that's gotta feel difficult to change after all that time, but it can be done. Give yourself lots of encouragement for even thinking of leaving! :)If you can get to a public library, there are lots of good books on abusive relationships and what to do about getting out of one, and the librarian can give you phone numbers of local resources (shelters and also sources of free counselling and 24-hour crisis lines). Just knowing you're not alone and you're not the only one to be in this predicament can be very comforting. I have several years of university, and I *still* fell for an abusive guy! So it really can happen to anyone. Many abusers are con-men (or con-women) and master-manipulators!Make a list of all the family and friends you have who can help out in any way, who can shelter you and your sons for a week until you can get your bearings and find a place to live. If you have access to your own money, put it into a separate bank account that is only in your name, that only you have access to. If you're married, try and get a consultation from a divorce lawyer. Many will give you a 1/2 hour consultation for free. Also if you've dealt with a bank before, go there and ask about getting a personal loan-- it won't hurt to ask, and you may be shocked to find that they'll lend you money. Let them know why you're asking for a loan, they may cut you some slack.Set up a plan for leaving, tell yourself each day that you will leave-- and it will eventually happen. Things will get better once you go. Let your head rule. You and your sons deserve better than this. I'm so glad that I got out when I did-- it would only have gotten worse. Talk to someone, surround yourself with supportive people, and don't suffer in silence. Abusers depend on their victims to keep quiet about what's happening, and usually we do, because we feel so ashamed. But don't make yourself feel bad-- he's the one who should feel ashamed! Good luck, and God bless!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2009): I hope you can get hold of one of the best books I have ever read on this subject called 'Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men' by Lundy Bancroft. It covers a lot of ground and is written by a man who works with men like your husband each day and he writes this book for women in a way you will be with no doubts about what to do next. It also covers a very useful chapter on abusive men as parents which I think will help you put this in context. Ultimately you are right you have to leave but I think you need clarity and confidence first. The confidence will only come with a plan of how to leave. I think you are still at the stage of trying to justify his behaviour. I hope this book helps.
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A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity  +, writes (26 August 2009):
 You have to realize how much of a big step this is that you are considering actually leaving him. That's an awesome step! You are becoming aware of the value in your life and your children's lives. These children need someone to look up to, and even if the person isn't a father, this person can certainly be you. If they see that you leave a man who hurts you and them, then that will make them stronger. And they will also know that when they grow up, they won't have to put up with such behavior from any future spouse of theirs. Not only can you see this decision as a way to benefit your family now, but it will also affect their futures in a positive way. It doesn't really matter how long you have been with this man, or how he treats you on his 'good days'. No one deserves to be abused. If you can't leave him for yourself, leave him for your kids. You'll save them a lot of heartache now and in the future. It's times like this that you have to stop thinking with your heart and ignore whatever it might be saying. In these cases, the head is the way to go. Be logical and realize that this just isn't working out. Pull your strength together and move through it! It may be very hard at first, because it's always rough before it gets better. But once it is better, and you are rid of this guy, you'll never regret it and you'll be able to move on. So perhaps get in contact with a lawyer and see what you can start doing. It's a worthy investment to leave an abuser.
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