A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello people :) this will be a slightly odd question to ask, but how do I stop caring about other people's opinions of me? I have become a much more confident person since leaving home and in the main am comfortable with who I am, who my friends are and what I'm doing with myself.However when it comes to relationships with guys this all goes to pot; I start worrying what others will think of me for dating someone, and I find I'm always really pernickety about what I'm looking for in a man. Don't get me wrong, my friends are excellent and probably wouldn't judge, but a couple of bad past experiences with not-so-good friends have made me become wary. I am also an only child so I feel an immense amount of pressure is on me to please my parents. My father in particular likes to influence me and if I don't do what he says I get worried about what will happen (eg. getting the silent treatment). My grandma always told me when I was small that if I put a foot out of line my dad would hit me (this was not true, but when you're 3 its hard not to believe this will happen, and sadly this suspicion and fear has stuck with me to the present day). As you can imagine, I just want to do well and please my parents. To make matters worse, sex in my household is a taboo subject unless said in the context of a joke. Therefore the thought of ever introducing a boyfriend etc or even just telling them I have one makes me cringe. My mum and I are like best friends, and I don't know if she'd almost feel threatened by someone else important being present in my life.To make matters more confusing, I met a guy quite recently and we got much closer than expected despite not really knowing one another (please don't judge, I know this was foolish and I can assure you this was completely out of character). My best friend knows him and has been putting a lot of pressure on us to be in a relationship after what happened. However due to all of the above I have just mentioned, I'm finding it very hard to go with the flow and give this guy a chance. When I last saw him I didn't feel any fire in my belly yet when he texted me back earlier on today he seemed really off-hand and didn't put kisses at the end of the text. This kinda got to me. He's said other things like how he disappointed himself for being a 'typical guy' after being with me yet the next time I saw him he'd happily try the same tricks as before... I'm very bamboozled here and am currently standing at a crossroads for what to do about him :S I feel as though I'm a commitment phobe due to what others will think of me, and I hate myself for it. Sorry this is long and rambly... You probably all think I'm a nutcase but I just needed to get this off my chest. Any non-judgmental advice would be appreciated. thanks in advance :) x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2012): Thank you very much for answering my question in a pleasant manner :) You're right, I can't please everyone all the time, and I need to realise this fact before it completely consumes my life. I have always tried to please others but I feel I need to be more selfish at times as I do end up bending over backwards unnecessarily (and quite a lot of the time it's for people who aren't worth it in the first place). The guy I saw has seen me a couple of times since our night together but my gut instinct is telling me to just be friends with him - the friend who introduced us is very confusing, because one minute she's all for us being together then the next she's bad mouthing him (I'm wondering if this is a test). She really puts pressure on for us to go out, and I really don't like being told what to do, so I think I will do what I said and learn from this experience (though having said that I have no regrets and have learned that sex is not the be all and end all of a relationship / isn't really that big a deal anyway :) ).Thanks again for answering non-judgmentally, I'll bear your advice in mind - esp. when I do meet somebody I really like and want to be with :) (OP) x
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (27 June 2012):
Hi there. First of all, you can only please yourself in life.
Just so long as what you do, does not harm anyone else, in any way.
And to disappoint someone, doesn't count.
There will always be people who seem to disapprove of things we do.
And the only reason for that, being that it's not the way they live their lives.
Being different, can pose a threat to some people.
And at other times, it can be a case of them being envious of your courage to follow your heart and fulfill your dreams.
Many people in the world ridicule what you are doing, merely because they don't have the guts to follow their own hearts.
And so as a result of this, they choose to criticize people, rather than to support them.
It's just plain easier.
Easier to criticize than to DO.
There is no point whatsoever in trying to please others - just to make them happy - as you can't please everyone all the time.
And to do so, is the ultimate sellout.
Meaning, selling your soul just to look good in the eyes of others.
If you keep on doing that, eventually you get to a point in your life where one day, you ask yourself - "Who am I?"
Because to continue trying to please others with what you do and who you choose to date, you're living your life to the expectations of others.
Hoping not to meet with their disapproval.
And eventually, you realize you have been living a lie!
And that's a very big disillusion.
You need to do all the things that bring you joy and happiness and PEACE.
Every single day.
If you like a guy and you can see they seem like a decent person, well then go out with them.
Perhaps you did sleep with this last guy a bit too soon, however it's too late now.
It's not really a big deal anyway.
And don't make yourself too available to him, whenever he calls you or texts you.
In fact as you have said here, that he seems to send you texts, it might be a good idea if you DO NOT answer his text messages right away.
Say not until later on in that day - 4 hours later perhaps.
Or, answer his text on the next day instead.
What that does, is it tells him you are NOT just sitting around waiting to hear from him.
That makes you slightly unpredictable.
Which has him wondering - "Why hasn't she replied to my text message?"
He might text you again in the meantime.
Still DO NOT reply.
And even if he texts you a third time, still leave it and don't reply.
Reply the next day at the earliest.
And when you do reply, send only ONE text message as a reply to all of his.
This way he knows he can't take you for granted.
And do this each time he sends you a text.
So then he begins to think that you are probably out enjoying yourself, and getting on with your life.
It is possible to be TOO available and this doesn't challenge a man enough.
Men really like to be challenged.
They want to do the pursuing.
Let him chase you. You won't lose him - quite the opposite.
And the more slightly unavailable you make yourself, well then the more interesting and intriguing you become.
And if in the end he calls you, well then don't readily say "Yes" to going out with him.
Say - "Aaaah, aaah - I'm not sure what I'm doing. I'll have to check my diary."
And see what he says.
The idea is to let him see you are your own person, who does have a life outside of seeing him.
It makes it like a bit of a competition for him.
And that will pique his interest in you.
And if you do get asked out by him - say on the weekend - well then don't just jump into bed with him.
And make sure he is going to take you somewhere nice and spend some money on you.
Somewhere nice, being a nice restaurant, perhaps.
Or, a nice restaurant and see a show.
I think you get the general picture.
What I am meaning here, is that he takes you out and not just to his place and have sex and then take you home.
You are worth more than that.
He has to treat you like a lady and with respect and dignity, always.
And if he does take you out somewhere nice, well then don't have sex on that night, just politely say "No", and let him drive you home, give him a gentle kiss at the door, smile and say good night, and walk inside and close the door behind you.
Just as if you were starting out on the first date.
And smile, say to him - "Thank you (his name), I had a lovely time tonight. Good night."
And then you get on with your life, and see if he calls you during the next week.
I promise you, it will make life a whole lot more interesting.
...............................
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