A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating a guy for about 2.5 months who is going through a separation. He has treated me better than anyone I've been with before and I was really starting to imagine a life with him. The gestures he made, how he made me feel, our connection.. it almost seemed too good to be true.He told me he was planning on a week long trip to TX to visit his mom. After he was there for a couple of days, something seemed off. He ignored a couple of my calls (which he never does) and was only responding once or twice a day versus our all day conversations. He blamed it on bad cell service.My biggest fear with dating him while the divorce is finalized was that either he would decide to not go through with it or he wouldn't be honest with me. I've been very open with him about that to talk it through instead of bottling it up. He felt like he was doing everything possible to make me secure and comfortable in our relationship - something I agreed with.However - I started thinking about some comments he made and did a bit of online digging. 2 days ago I found a picture on someone's Instagram that he's actually on vacation in FL with his wife and her 2 kids from another marriage. To say I'm shocked and hurt is putting it mildly. He apologized for any hurt it caused me and admits he should have told me, "it was a terrible thing to hide".My issue is that I know I can't trust him again. I can't imagine being with someone who makes his decisions based on what he thinks he can get away with (I found it in a very convoluted way). But I also want to tell him let's work on it and can figure it out. What is wrong with me? I know being with him will almost definitely lead to more hurt but I can't stop myself from missing him.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 April 2019):
 Yep, you are banking on the "what could be" not reality and WHAT IS.
He is STILL married. Legally. And going on vacation with said WIFE and kids. And... LYING to you about it. THAT does show something really unpleasant. In the way he thinks of you. Basically, that you are SO gullible or not WORTHY of the truth - what you don't don't won't hurt you - mentality.
NOT a good trait, because it WILL not just be a one off "mistake" of his.
This is how he deals with "complications". Probably also why he has had issued in his marriage severely enough for him to be separated from his family.
Maybe the holiday was a "let's see if we can work things out". I can't imagine going on holiday with an ex. Even one I'd share kids with (not that I have such an ex or kids) - but the idea seems weird, especially for a guy who is supposedly DATING someone new.(you).
My rule of thumb is NEVER date someone who is still married. Doesn't matter if they don't live together, they are officially separated... just no. I say ALWAYS wait until the divorce is FINAL and that they are BOTH OK with moving on, and their exes moving on. Other wise YOU can dragged in to drama you don't want to BE in, and be made out to be the "homewrecker" or cause of THEIR failed marriage or reconciliations. Just no.
You have ONLY invested in this guy for 2 1/2 months, so pulling back now will LIKELY prevent FURTHER trust-issues and heartache.
I would not continue. I would not give him more chances.
It's NOT that hard for him to be OH SO SWEET and GREAT to you for 2 1/2 months. He obviously is also trying that on the ex-wife....
Let him go. He needs to sort out his life before trying to date someone new. And YOU deserve a man who can FULLY commit TO you, someone you can BUILD trust and love with, not just a fantasy that IS NOT sustainable.
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (27 April 2019):
 Ycbs is spot on, you’ve found someone who treats you ‘well’ so you’re fixated on ‘what could be’. This ‘amazing’ future that could develop and are trying to forget that he is indeed a liar. This is very early on in the relationship also, if he can lie to you this easily about a fairly big subject then he can hide all the nitty gritty stuff without batting an eyelid.
He’s shown you that he’s untrustworthy so deal with it accordingly! Move on.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (26 April 2019):
 I think the answer to your last question lies in the first paragraph of your post: "He has treated me better than anyone I've been with before and I was really starting to imagine a life with him." Ending this relationship will mean the end of this new life you imagined was on offer.
If you really can't move past this and believe you will never trust him again, then you know the only sensible thing to do is to end the relationship. Some people CAN move past something like this while others CAN'T. If you are one of the latter, then his lies have sabotaged the relationship and, painful as it is to finish, it will be far more painful if you don't.
Also, there is no saying he WON'T go back to his wife. If they are still close enough to go on holiday together, then anything could happen. Getting involved with someone who is still involved with someone else on any level always comes with high risks.
So he treated you well? There are other men who will treat you well too - and who will not lie to you.
My advice would be to end things quickly and definitely, take some time to get over your loss, then move on. If you have lost trust in him, there is no future. Sorry.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (26 April 2019):
 I wish people would remember not to date people who are only "separated" and not OFFICIALLY DIVORCED. It WAS too good to be true and you shouldn't have even been thinking about a future with him yet - he's still a stranger after only 2.5 months.
You allowed your feelings to move too quick too soon. You shouldn't miss someone after such a short time. That said, now you do, so you just accept that you can't trust this guy, cut contact and block him from everything. You make the smart decision to save you regret in the future.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2019): He's presented himself as likeable and trustworthy to you which is an image that gets destroyed when you discovered the extent of the deception.However you cant accept the reality because it doesnt sit well with an honest person like yourself.Apart from verbal dishonesty he clearly has emotional dishonesty and this is where you get hurt.Consider the fact that he holds you in low esteem dispite what he says.He intended to deceive you.He doesnt intend to let the soon to be ex or not soon to be ex to be aware of your existance.This is only so that he can meander back and forth and appear to 'win' when ultimatums are issued.He has decided to redesign himself as a prize and one or both of you will be delegated to an 'also-ran' category.My best advice would be to stop involving yourself with him or to start two-timing and lying about it so that you understand the amount of time and energy involved in deception.
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