A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a very difficult situation right now. I've been dating a girl now for 3 months, she's more of a rebound gf since I just got out of a long term relationship prior to meeting my new gf. The problem is I don't love her at all. I think she's a good person but I know we're not meant to be however I stayed with her because of the damage done by the my previous relationship and the emotions that are the result of my last relationship. Things have ended so ugly between me and my ex that my confidence had been shattered as a result. Since then I've really felt like no one could ever care to want to be with me or love anything about me. This is why I'm still with my current gf, I just feel so awful because she doesn't know how I feel and she might actually have feelings for me. I've made a date for when I'll break up with her but it won't be until after my final date with her today. I just don't know whether I should go through with it or cut things off now. I know she'll be hurt but I feel like dragging it on any further will only hurt her more. The worst part of it is part of of my relationship with her is also based on intimate interest so I feel as if I'm using her for sexual purposes and I know it's cause of my current confidence issues that I just want to feel like someone wants me although I know I don't want her. I know I'm going to end things with her soon but I don't know if I should do it on the day I planned to do it or get it over with now. I feel like I won't forgive myself if I go forward with the date today and use her again.
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female
reader, goldie22  +, writes (18 December 2011):
No offence but ive been in ur girlfriends position and it sucks, a couple of people here have advised hanging on untill.after xmas but acting like a friend with no sexual.contact or romance after being in a relationship that to her may have seemed normal will make her worry that shes doing something wrong, it is going to.come across as.mind games and even if you dont mean it to it will confuse the situation and.will.play on her mind alot more. Be honest with her.completely honest, she probably will.cry and you'll both be hurting, hopefully she will be able to get on with christmas and so will you, both single and not worried about a problem relationship, she wont be sat there worrying about your relationship over her xmas.dinner. She may be feeling a bit down but at least she will have a clear idea of what has happened
Just a word.of.advice, i.mean this kindly even if it.doesnt sound like it. Using someone to make yourself feel better is not ok.
If your hurt spend some learning to.be yourself and spend.time with people.who you know love you like your parents, siblings, grandparents and your.friends ect i found that this was the best healer. And in time you will be ready to.find someone nice that you want.to be with for.all.the right reasons. Take care hun.xx
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 December 2011):
 You just need to be honest, if you are certain feelings will not grow for her in time. I think the reason number one why you aren't feeling things for her is because you are still hurt by your ex, and haven't healed enough to love again. Not just yet anyway. If you met this girl at a later point, do you think you might have fallen for her? It's not fair on her that you entered a relationship with her when not ready for one, but what's done is done.
As I see it your options are to 1:be honest with her and stay with her, or 2:be honest with her and leave, or 3:be honest with her and let her make the choice on whether to end things or not.
If you think you can grow feelings for her once your heart is healed, and you know she is a a great girl, then it could be a waste to throw it away, wouldn't it? I think right now you feel so guilty about this entire thing, and guilty for not being in love with her, that you automatically think you can't be with her, that it'd be selfish of you. However, there are many reasons why she is with you, so this isn't entirely one sided and benefits only you. She is getting something out of this relationship as well, and I think if you talk to her about how guilty you feel, if she is a truly great person, you might see that you don't have so many reasons to feel guilty as you thought.
I'd tell her this: "I entered this relationship with you very shortly after I got out of another relationship. I was feeling emotionally weak, and being with you supported me. I feel guilty for doing this, as I've come to see what a wonderful person you are. I've also come to realize that as much as Id like to love again, I haven't healed from my last break-up. I can't commit emotionally to another person again so soon. As I've realized this I do not think it is fair to lead you on thinking everything is ok. I am struggling with this. I respect you and care for you, but do not have romantic feelings towards you, and I don't know if I can have those feelings later on for you or not."
Option 1/3, continued: "Because of this our dating period would be much longer than what you'd normally expect, as my feelings will take longer time to develop, if they can. But you are a good person, and I enjoy being with you. You help me feel better about myself. I am only concerned about you feeling fooled, or led on. Therefor it is best that I am honest about where I stand emotionally, so you can make a decision on whether to stay with me or not".
Option 2: "Because of all this it is best, for you and me both, to part ways. I have realized I need time alone to heal. I thought I might not need that time alone, but I do. And you need to be with someone who is ready to be 100 percent in a relationship, and not barely there like I am."
Hope these different ways of wording things will help you out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2011): I agree with you wish in that you should not date until you resolve ur own low self esteem issues. Proving that you can attract while drawing innocent lonely women into your web of lies and deceit is cruel. I believe you wen u say u feel bad, but think you should see someone about the heartbreak you are feeling from your long term rel. You are definentlyOn the rebound still and will cont to break hearts this way. I disagree with the posted comments to wait til after christmas. She will more than likely be surrounded by friends and family around the holidays and the support they bring will be a source of comfort to her when she will need a shoulder to cry on. Also imagine how embarrassed she will feel later with you at her side with them and her going on and on about you and your relationship. knowing that you (in your own mind) will be ending it with her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2011): I agree with you wish in that you should not date until you resolve ur own low self esteem issues. Proving that you can attract while drawing innocent lonely women into your web of lies and deceit is cruel. I believe you wen u say u feel bad, but think you should see someone about the heartbreak you are feeling from your long term rel. You are definently
On the rebound still and will cont to break hearts this way. I disagree with the posted comments to wait til after christmas. She will more than likely be surrounded by friends and family around the holidays and the support they bring will be a source of comfort to her wen she will need a shoulder to cry on. Also imagine how embarrassed she will feel later with you at her side with them and her going on and on about you and your rel. knowing that you (in ur own mind) will b ending it with her.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (17 December 2011):
I think you should break up with her sooner than later. She is going to be totally confused when you take her on a date and then break up with her--it's actually kind of mean if you decide to do that. Just do it now and quit leading her on.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 December 2011):
 You have no confidence that someone would love you, yet you have someone who cares about you? You have a few real issues. If and when you break up with her, DO NOT DATE again until these issues are resolved.
Also, is this something that can be put off until after the holidays? That would add insult to injury if you ruin her Christmas by dumping her. *That* is cold and cruel.
When you do end it, be gentle. It's not her fault, but three months isn't a long relationship. She'll be hurt, but make sure she knows that it's not her, and that you don't want to just use her for sex.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2011): Tell her the truth asap that you're just using her because you're self esteem is to low to find someone who you really want to be with. That way she hopefully won't waste any time crying over you if she loves you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2011): For both your sakes, I think you should bite the bullet sooner rather than later and let her down gently *now*. Being with her is actually doing you more harm than good, because it's adding a whole load of guilt on top of the feelings you're struggling with as a result of your previous break-up. Yes, your girlfriend will be upset, but it's infinitely better to suffer a little pain now than a lot of pain down the line - because with every day that passes, feelings deepen and hopes build.
You need time to heal, and she deserves to find someone who truly appreciates her. I'm not saying you don't care, of course not, neither do I think you're intentionally using her. But you're hurting, and in your hurt you're unwittingly hurting someone else by not being honest. Letting her go will be doing both of you a favour in the long run. Good luck and take care :)
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