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female
age
41-50,
*arylandchick
writes:My boyfriend and I were doing well for about a year (anniversary would have been Thurs). We had made plans that he intiated for the holidays, had talked about the future, etc. frequently. Last Saturday, after a Christmas party he said he didn't think he saw us together, that we were getting in the same arguments, that he felt like he was under so much stress at work and was being yelled and he didn't know if he could take it anymore or if they would fire him soon or cancel his contract. He mentioned "lack of affection" for about a month (if you get my meaning)and said he was attracted to me but his libido was shot and he didn't know why, and that it was probably not my fault, but that it was still "a sign" of something having to do with us. Also, he is paying all of his mother's bills and gave up his place to move back in with her and help pay her mortgage. I said "are we totally through? if so, please take the present I got you." He said something like "I'm not saying we're done-done", I have a Christmas present for you that is coming soon that I still want to give you." I talked a little to him this week, and kept it light, and was hoping he would snap out of it. We actually went to a play two days ago, but he was so tired from his shift he didn't talk to me much and haven't talked since. So, 1. should I talk to him or write him a long email and tell him that he may have the beginnings of depression and that I will stick by him, and perhaps getting help from a professional will help him see that the stress is at the core of our issues, and we could work through it? 2. How long should I wait to contact him while still giving him space(we last spoke two days ago)if I should contact him at all? Should I just forget it? We rarely argued or had conflict before than and I pointed that out, and he did say most of these issues were not my fault but that he didn't think he could be the boyfriend I wanted. Believe me, I am not even demanding and I even told him we could stay in when he had worried about money or that I could go dutch, or cover it, so I am bewildered as to how I am part of his stress.
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at work, broke up, christmas, libido, money Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2011): This time of year awakens ghosts for adults that are survivors of children of abusive homes. I say give him a break until mid January. Send him a thoughtful note on Fridays. Do this after you tell him the, I will give you x weeks to think on an answer about working on us and we get couples counselling.If I don't hear back from you on X day; I will take that as an answer for me to move on. Know you are going through a lot but its not fair to me either to keep me in limbo. You're adult enough to make a choice.Sometimes, people paint themselves in a corner and really cant see a way out. So some sort of direction is helpful.But if he is already in the grips of depression, reason won't sound like reason. Be prepared he will end it. Its an 'easier' temporary solution. When people recover from depression they think clearer and again, don't be surprised if he comes knocking.So really, you have to make a long term decision as well. Will you ever take him back and if so, on what grounds?Because I suspect the BF has undiagnosed depression bouts, mood swings and will need, possibly perscriptions for a while as well as counselling.My Ex Husband came from an abusive home and was always leaving the marriage because of his 'dark moods' so I should have just known this and put up with it. Wrong. Its abusive and serves only his purposes. I got tired of him never seeking medical help. I didn't need him hurting my children and setting a poor example of how a man is/should be when life and stress gets to him- run home to Mommy and leave wife and kids to pick up the pieces??I put my foot down. I am happier. My kids don't have to see all of that anymore. The cycle of abuse was ended.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 December 2011):
 This is something to think about -- do you want a guy who handles stress like this?
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female
reader, marylandchick +, writes (18 December 2011):
marylandchick is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: Had gotten a text tonight in response to a short one I sent to say: hope you are feeling better after the play the other day? Answer: "Same shit, different day, errands and waiting for the repair guy to finish (Mom's house). So, I replied: :If you need anything or a visit, I'm there for ya". But....I didn't wait. I went out and had dinner with one of my friends. So at least I'm trying to do my own thing. Went to a happy hour friday too and was talking/reasonably social.
@Chalice: He was loving/affectionate to me , but then as time went on, he began to complain about the job more and how much he hated it, and about Mom's financial/health issues worsening. He works IT issues with a team for a large govenment agency. And yeah, he had an absent Dad and abusive stepfather to his Mom and I guess him, I think he had to fight the stepdad when he was 17 (now in his thirties) to protect the Mom and leave the next day with pretty much clothes on their backs. The stepdad stole savings money etc. from the Mom.
I will find a good way to suggest couples counseling, perhaps in a letter/long email so I can't get interuppted or emo/cry as I talk. I'll wait a bit to do it, after giving him some time, like after holidays. Thats one of my issues, giving someone time to "Miss me". (I'm so tempted into trying to hang with him for new year's but I would be playing myself if I asked him and he turned me down). If the letter about counseling doesn't work, then that's my final interaction.
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reader, Danielepew  +, writes (17 December 2011):
 Yes, give him some time, but also define just how long you would wait for him to return. If he doesn't return by them, let him go. Otherwise you'd be in nowhere: you won't be with him, but you won't be alone, either. Things need to be clear-clear.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2011): The way I see it. I don't think this Man has been healthy for the past year. Has he?Up to current he has been a very loving man? No bouts of depression? No cycles of high and lows? His job has been secure? He has been reliable? Emotionally available? Consistent in behaviour? Made good on commitments and promises to you?Does he have a history of neglect, abuse or struggling from childhood? Christmas season tends to be HUGE triggers for people who come from below poverty homes or abusive, neglectful childhood homes.ALSO LETS LOOK AT HIS STRESSES:He is being yelled at, at work? Why? What is his vocation? Why is he being abused/bullied?He stands to lose his Job? (then he can't follow through on plans to have a life with you and that would hurt he wont be able to provide for you then- men ADORE feeling they can do this for the woman they love so this is a big kick to his ego)He is taking care of his Adult Mother and now has to move in which will effect his love life/relationship, especially if Mom is making it evident that he cannot have female guests over. (is mom jealous of other women? would she be unfair to him and put this controlling restriction on him?)He has become unhappy, has major stresses, and his plans for a future seem to be taken from him with his current perdicament so yes, it will definitely HURT his performance and really, suspect depression has hit him. Its a mans self worth and self esteem that is effected when he feels he cannot provide shelter, needs for a woman and right now, ALL OF THAT IS BEING EFFECTED.Also men do not handle feeling HELPLESS very well. For most it can almost undo them. So really, I really feel for this guy.I do think the best thing he could do for himself is to seek COUNSELLING so he can gain back some healthy perspective as well as emotional support that he will feel safe to have and talk about with someone who he does not love and care about because, again, he is very vunerable and men are so pressued to NOT appear or even hint at being found vunerable. As they believe this is unattractive to women.I don't think being pushed away or running from him, in his time of need showcases your love for him.I'm going to suggest couples counselling to address this dilema. I say this as you both working together to overcome this setback- will do wonders and bond you close to one another and both teach you about the whole through good times and bad.THEN- if he resists and says no. Then you tell him its not what you want but trust he knows what he is saying and wanting and will respect his wishes and leave.No contact with him for 3-6 months. Give him time and yourself time to heal and grow apart.
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reader, pinktopaz +, writes (17 December 2011):
I would stay away from the "you seem depressed and should get some help" message. Personally, I think you should just give him some space for now, there's no need to start any sort of overwhelming diaglogue with someone who's already overwhelmed. Just because you're not spending time together 24/7 doesn't mean that you're not there for him.
Think about it, if you tell him either you're going to be with me and do everything that I want; otherwise, I'm going to do my own thing, do you think he's really going to try to make much of an effort? Probably not. That's just another stress on top of all the other stress he's feeling--in other words, you're going to end up disappointed either way. So just give him some space and be there for him when he needs it. Take things as they come and if in a couple months nothing has changed, then start considering moving on. It's only been a week, be patient. There's no need to make rash decisions immediately, it's life and not everyone can be happy and perfect all the time.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (17 December 2011):
It sounds like he's overwhelmed. I wouldn't hang in limbo over the whole "are we done-done" or what. I would calmly explain to him that if he's wanting to break up, that it's a real break up. Explain that in doing this, you'll be dating other people (even though I know you won't be) and that if his hard times blow over, you might not be available to be with again.
Explain to him the finality of what he's after, and tell him you can't be in limbo. He either wants you by his side, or he doesn't. Tell him that you love him, but that this is a true parting of the ways. Tell him that love isn't always about "libido", and that it's not good for him to isolate himself.
It does truly sound like he's trying to figure out the source of stress, and that if he is single, that his life will be easier. This isn't about you. This is about his not handling his stress and possible depression.
If he's feeling smothered, the best thing to do is to let him go. It's possible that he might, after getting what he wants (i.e. relationship freedom), realize that he did the worst possible thing and come back to you.
However, you can't pin him down if he wants out. You need to move forward. No "breaks", no "let's be friends", no "we're not done-done". It's not fair for you to be treated like a yo-yo just because your boyfriend can't handle his job and family. If he stays gone, it shows that he wasn't the one for you. Not your fault, and you should NOT make concessions and bargains just to keep him at your side..
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