A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My partner and I have been together for 2 and a half years. During this time we've both expressed desires and fantasies in the bedroom and things we want to do. My boyfriend asked if I would have sex/be sexual with a girl while he watched, or have threesomes or cuckholding I think it's called? And things similar to that. I was uncomfortable about it, but agreed to slowly ease into these things and stop if I feel I want to. So far neither of us had acted on anything, that is until last night. I went to a gig with my gay best friend, and we ended up on canal street. Many drinks later a girl came onto me, I told her "no love, thanks anyway" moments later I realised that that was an opportunity to dip my toe into the pool so to speak, by kissing a girl, trying to rid myself of the anxiety and worry. So I looked at my phone to see if my boyfriend was awake still but he wasn't, it was quite late into the night. So drunk me thought it'd be "rational" to seize the moment of dutch courage I had and kiss this girl, tell the boyfriend tomorrow. So I did. Afterwards I asked my friend to get us to the exit and another club because the girl was pressing for more and I did not want that. The next day I tell my boyfriend pretty much what I've explained above, and he becomes very upset and said that I cheated. This took the wind out of me, because I hadn't even considered that it would be taken that way.....but how else would it look really, in hindsight :S So I became distraught, apologised profusely, said how I realise it was ridiculous, but drunk me thought it was the best idea ever (ffs). I asked if he still wanted to be in a relationship with me and he said he honestly doesn't know and that he needs time to process because he's finding it hard to get past it. Now I've apologised loads, when he talks to me again, I'll apologise some more. I'm trying to give him space right now.But I feel really crap about myself and how stupid I was. I wanted to know if anyone had any advice on what I can do to fix this? Or their opinions on it. And I realise what I did was stupid, regardless of what my boyfriend and I agreed upon in the bedroom. I get it, now. Drunk me should've known better regardless of drink. I'm really beating myself up here.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2018): Sounds like your boyfriend thinks he’s a lot edgier and free-spirited than he really is and inadvertently lured you into doing something he actually didn’t want by talking it up. I’d say this is mostly on him and his poor communication skills. When couples venture outside the “normal” boundaries of sex and marital activities, the communication about what’s expected and what the limits are has to be absolutely clear. He failed to be clear with you. Next time, maybe he will think things through a little more carefully before casually suggesting such a potentially upsetting idea. IMO, you were trying to be a good girlfriend and ease yourself into something you weren’t totally comfortable with for his happiness. If he can’t appreciate why you did that and can’t be mature about it, it’s his loss.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2018): I think you should say to him that you'll try and drink less, particularly when you are not with him. I hope he'll take you back-- lots of girls kiss these days and you seem like a nice person.
Best of luck!
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A
male
reader, DarrellG +, writes (28 May 2018):
 OP, I think others have answered your points well to be honest. Of course, he didn't make you do anything but he put you up to it and now, hypocritically, disowning you. You can think what you like about his fantasies but to disown you because you act them out is hypocritical in the extreme. Honeypie has it right when she says:It's true that he didn't MAKE you do what you did. But he DID give you the notion that it could be fun (for you both). So he sowed the seed... but you planted it and watered it... so to speak. My guess is, if you and your BF hadn't had the conversation of a FFM 3-some you wouldn't have thought kissing a random girl would be a great idea.He has no right to behave the way he is doing because he did put the seed there.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (28 May 2018):
 It's mature of you to take the responsibility for your own actions and not blaming him.
Sure you might have (while drunk) figured it would be "clever" to have a snog with a woman to see if you could even consider that fantasy of his... And then you realized after the fact that well, it's not really WHAT he wanted.
You made a poor choice. It happens OP. Now it's up to him to figure out if he can handle that you made that poor choice partly to PLEASE him but also partly because you were drunk.
It's true that he didn't MAKE you do what you did. But he DID give you the notion that it could be fun (for you both). So he sowed the seed... but you planted it and watered it... so to speak. My guess is, if you and your BF hadn't had the conversation of a FFM 3-some you wouldn't have thought kissing a random girl would be a great idea.
Either he will get over it, or he won't. And if he doesn't .. well then you will know better for your next partner. As in NOT indulge in fantasies outside of the bedroom.
Honestly, OP? It could have been worse, you all could have ended up in bed with a 3rd person and all of you regretting it the next day. Or come away from a 3-some with a STD/STI or your BF deciding that he wants MORE 3-somes...
SHIT happens. All you can do is MOVE forward.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2018): Boyfriend may not have kissed but he did the talking.He wound you up to it and you bit the bait.Really why are you so stressed about this.You dont get sexual disease from kissing.Look what you both did to that girl.You talked it and you walked it.Your tongue went in her mouth.Learn to keep your boredom to yourself and then no one gets hurt.You are both acting like hypocrites because you tried to draw another person into your sex life as an accessory and the unknown girl has a life of her own.You must take responsibility for your actions and you need to remember that both you and the boyfriend must not look to others to role play your fantasies.You are obviously a person who means what they say, more than the boyfriend so be thankful that your fantasy chat involved no more than a consenting adult.Time to press the rewind button and redefine what you see in each other.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't think we're equally to blame because my bf didn't do anything.
I should have involved him from the get go. And not acted without his say so.
I can understand that the ball is in his court, but isn't that where it's suppose to be? I was in the wrong, and I'm sorry. Now if he gives me a chance, I can make it up to him.
But I honestly don't see how he's wrong in all this, so I don't agree with that side of it.
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A
male
reader, DarrellG +, writes (27 May 2018):
Stop beating yourself up. It isnt helping. The 'good' news is your both equally to blame. Everything you say is right of course, about yourself, but your boyfriend is equally culpable. I sense your not an unfaithful person by nature. If anything, your lesson is to stop trying to please people to the detriment of yourself. You stopped yourself because this felt wrong and grasp onto that impulse, its what makes you a potentially good person. Listen to it more and your boyfriend less when it comes to something like this. He is being a hypocrite. He wished for this and now it has happened he doesn't like it. What a surprise. His lesson is different. He needs to be careful what he wishes for lest it actually happens. Its all very well people saying you should know what is a fantasy and what isn't but unless you're a mind reader you cant be expected to know for sure. Your good impulse, to be a good girlfriend, has been trashed and turned bad. I don't know how you patch this up. This may be the end and there may be nothing you can do to stop that as I can see you learning the lesson but I'm not convinced he will by and if that is the case be ready to move on. Sorry but as you have already apologised the only thing you can do now is wait to see how this all pans out. Good luck though.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2018): Sometimes what people say is not really what they want.His wanting a three some was a fantasy.Not real.Maybe it was just a little bedroom talk to heat himself up.Learn not to take what people say so serious.And no I do not think you cheated you were just curious and wanted to please your boyfriend in some way.Show your boyfriend this answer. Ask him in the future to clarify what he wants and to stop this fantasy talk because you take things to serious.You were set up to fail because you believe everything he says.Not your fault.Not his fault.Have better communication and be happy.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (27 May 2018):
 This was a lesson for BOTH of you - to make it clear that bedroom fantasies STAY in the bedroom.
Moving forward, your boyfriend needs to get over himself and you need to forgive yourself for what was one drunken moment of bad judgement. Spare a thought for the girl you used as your guinea pig as well. SHE thought she was onto something with you. Never use people in this way again. It is not nice.
You have apologies over and over by the sound of it. You need to reach a point where you say to your boyfriend, "Yes, I screwed up. I was drunk. It affected my judgement. I am sorry, but I am not going to try to make it up to you for ever. YOU need to decide whether you can get past this or not. If not, tell me now and let's call it a day. If you do forgive me, however, you cannot bring this up in future arguments as I have now learned my lesson."
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 May 2018):
Well, you learned a valuable lesson, not a pleasant one but a lesson you WILL probably remember.
Talking bedroom fantasies is a FAR cry from actually doing things in reality.
Adding more people to the relationship is RARELY a good idea. People tend to think these fantasies of 3-somes, swinging and goodness knows what else, are REALLY hot but only because they are the "director" of said fantasy. Reality rarely lives up to it. Why? Because you have MORE people with their OWN agenda and fantasy THEY want to play out.
What can you do? Nothing more, OP. You have talked to him, you have apologized and you seem to be remorseful as well. The ball is in HIS court, but I'd be aware that he might think he now has a "free pass" to do something equally stupid. So consider how that would make you feel.
You did do something stupid. But on the other hand you (even-though you were drunk) DID stop it from going any further than the kiss. So it's not like you are incapable of thinking while drunk.....
Give him a week or two to think it over. And while he does that... remember this lesson no matter the outcome.
Chin up, we all do stupid stuff. Not a great excuse or anything but do realize that you can beat yourself up until the end of time but it WILL not change the fact that you farked up.
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