| A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Friends have always been far and few between. Still, I've made a close friend, and I think I'm falling for him? I've always considered myself straight, never thinking about men. Still, I think of my friend and I feel so happy and gushy inside. Like, I don't know what I'd do without him. I'm scared because I'm not sure what I'd do if I ever lost him. I've never thought of myself with another guy, but now I can't stop thinking about him. Am I wrong? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2018): [EDIT]:
"To put is bluntly, you haven't fully come to terms with your own feelings..."
Correction:
"To put it bluntly, you haven't fully come to terms with your own feelings..."
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2018): It's my experience that we do best in our friendships, when we hold the same type of feelings for the person that we receive.
Your passion and need for intimacy may be cross-connecting.
You are obviously overjoyed, and I am very happy for you!
I do caution you!
I'm gay, but I'm not an expert on homosexuality. I will advise you from my own experience, and from what I've learned.
You may be an introverted sort; and social-awkwardness may compel you to concentrate all of your attention, feelings, and emotions onto one person. At this point, it's just a mild fixation. It's how new feelings usually come-out!
If your friend is straight, your infatuation is not appropriate; and it will only frustrate you when he can't return those same kind of feelings for you. It may even spook him off.
Don't rush him with all this. If someday in the future, you do share this side of yourself; it has to wait until he fully knows you simply as...you the person. Not by your sexual-orientation; which is only one facet of your overall personality. You are a man and a person first.
To put is bluntly, you haven't fully come to terms with your own feelings; or don't understand exactly what it is you are feeling. It's premature to share those feelings with new people. First work things out in your mind. Don't overshare. He may see only that one thing about you; and he might not be able to handle it.
Don't place people up on pedestals; and don't over-glorify friendships. They can only be cherished once they're well-established; and have stood the test of time. First and foremost, you must establish trust. That takes time, and a lot of exercise. You need to experience a few challenges together, know what values you share in-common; and work through a few disagreements, before you trust people.
Keep your emotions in check, and in proper-perspective. You may get too eager to explore these feelings; and your next impulse may be to declare your romantic-feelings towards your friend. He would most likely assume you were only pretending to be a straight-friend; and simply trying to come-on to him. Such a surprising revelation on his part, is bad news; when YOU don't know exactly what you're doing!
You might lose him under such circumstances; or he might hurt your feelings when he is insulted that you would place him on the spot in such a way. You have to control yourself.
Sometimes our feelings and emotions become elated when we know someone reciprocates our caring; but we have to make sure that we properly interpret the connection between us.
We also need to pull-back when we get too over-joyed over a new friend; because we can become somewhat idealistic about what the friendship truly means. Make sure it's even and not lopsided; where you will find yourself being taken advantage of, or toyed with. You may appreciate it far more than he does. Such an inequality may devastate you; so keep your feet firmly planted on the ground.
It's okay to crush, as long as it is well-managed, respects boundaries, and you don't try to force something that isn't really there. No sneaky tricks!
You would be wrong; only if he is offended by any unwanted advances, yet you persist.
Don't make suggestive-comments, or touch him inappropriately. It may catch him off-guard, or shock him. His involuntary-reflex reaction could be violent. You're not the first guy to suddenly discover he can be physically and emotionally-attracted to a man.
Sometimes it may only be a once in a life-time deal; and sometimes it is the sudden realization that you're gay. Perhaps, bisexual. Meaning the feelings were always suppressed or beneath the surface; but there was never anything to awaken or stir them.
Distract your mind from excessive thoughts. Give it a rest. Infatuations can easily turn into obsession. Obsession is an unhealthy state of mind; and you definitely don't want to go there!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (27 May 2018):
 In my experience, people fall for people, not for their gender. I keep reading that nobody is 100% gay or straight and that it just takes them to find the right person to change their view of what they are.
There is nothing "wrong" with your feelings. However, you need to tread carefully so you don't lose this friendship. Is your friend gay? Does he have feelings for you or does he see you as just a friend? If he is not gay and you tell him your feelings, you may lose him as a friend. Is it perhaps possible that, because you have few friends, you are investing all your feelings in this one guy?
Take things slowly. Enjoy the friendship and see what develops. And forget about labels. They belong on bottles and jars, not people.
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