A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Yesterday I kicked my partner out of my home.He is 60 years old and has been a very high level banker in the past.We had a minor tiff when I confronted him (gently) by telling him I was hurt by a comment he made. I had shown him a mortgage comparison where I could pay it off sooner. He quickly scanned the paper and said "Any banker would tell you that paying off a lower interest mortgage by taking higher interest to do so isn't a good idea." He interrupted my explanation of the reasons why I would do this.The reason I had issue with what he said is because he ongoing makes little "put-downs" that are subtle and it has been draining my feelings for him away. I pointed out to him a couple of other similar things he has said in the last few weeks that I found hurtful. Such as being subjected to a five ninute lecture ending with "everyone in the software business would laugh at me" for using an old WP51 program instead of paying for updated bookkeeping systems. At that point in the conversation, he told me I was "attacking" him, and further said that I was "self-cherishing" and that he believes the things I think are "ridiculous".He went upstairs and said "have a good night" and shunned me for the whole evening. He has a bedroom of his own up there. Yesterday morning, after he didn't come down, I went up to find a note saying he would be gone for a few days, to visit a friend and play music together. I should call him on his cell if I needed him, he said.I immediately called him and told him no one should do this to their partner and I wasn't accepting this kind of treatment now; and that if I allowed it he would forever feel that he could do such things to me.He was snotty to me. Then when I told him "how would you feel if I did the same to you?" he asked if I wanted him to come back home. I snapped and said "do whatever you want".He was back within 15 minutes. In that space of time I reached a turning point and was already changing the locks on the doors. I said to him "Don't come in here!" and he left again.Since that time, I have read up on narcissism. Although I don't hold generally with labelling people, he exhibits every behavior listed which speaks to the control and spiritual and financial demolition of their partners.I even watched videos which detailed the verbal manipulation and punitive tactics used by these type of people and it was spot on, horrifically.I've spent two years with this man helping him in every way possible; only to find at the end of it my self esteem is much lower, and I am two years older, somewhat wiser and much, much sadder.I don't intend to break down and let him back. Right now he is in the sweet talking phase (no, no apologies as yet...) by text urging me to remember the good things about our relationship.If anyone has anything to weigh in on, I would be so grateful. All of my closest support have died now.Alone Again
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2018): I guess I should have noted that the below answer is from me the OP. Thanks again.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2018): I've read and thought about the points made by these six replies.One said that the comments my partner made sounded somewhat innocent, and that some people would laugh them off if they were less sensitive than me.This is definitely an area of debate for me, since my mother always accused me of being hypersensitive. Interestingly, she was the only person who seemed to be saying things that would hurt my feelings when I was a child. But in a backhanded way; such as stating "Oh, you're fat like I was when I was a kid." Every photo I have ever seen of myself as a child shows quite a slim girl. What's with that? Maybe she was fat, but I wasn't.Anyways, I don't have a "fat" complex because of her, just a hypersensitivity about being told I'm hypersensitive! Of course I am openly very sensitive; and my partner would know it is part and parcel of who I am and why he likes me so much; for I am extremely loving and giving and generous with him; usually anticipating his needs and meeting them before he even realizes he has them. I enjoy so much seeing the happiness on the face of my loved ones when they can feel how much I care when I do things for them!I've questioned whether maybe I'm a covert narcissist myself because of my eager to please personality. But I don't think so because I don't make any public display of it and truly this is the first time I've stated it. I think a covert narcissist does it for the accolades, don't they?Regarding my having an outburst at him; no; that isn't the case. I can see why you might think that though, judging by his reactions. I actually had calmly but sadly stated to him how I felt about what he had said, when he blew up at me!He usually will exaggerate to the extreme in describing my responses to his behaviour. I have a few times caught him out in an outright untruth about the facts of what happened, and called a foul. Which simply causes him to deny again; so it's all futile.A person is left to realize that one can never object to any kind of comment or treatment without a blow up; so just be a mouse as quiet as possible to keep the peace.Also, no discussion nor resolution can be reached because there can be no agreement on the facts of anything; that is, if the facts point to supporting my stance and not his.Another person mentioned that there had to be red flags before; I admit to turning a blind eye to a few of them since I felt sorry for him and tried to be understanding. He has a now 13 year old son whose emotional well-being I am concerned with. I felt responsible in part that his father had given up his apartment to move here; and if I split with him that would cause hardship for him to see his Dad until Dad got an appropriate new place. This area is amazing for a kid to be able to visit every couple weeks, and I know the child will feel a loss as well. I got along with him swimmingly and we love each other.I don't believe my partner is an entirely evil person. Probably some of the put downs are not meant to sting. But enough of the behaviours are so obviously rather hurtful that as another pointed out, alone is better than abused.My now ex-partner is texting his love for me and complaining about the discomfort of sleeping on the floor at his musical friend's apartment. Still not sorry in any way other than speaking of his own losses. I suppose he should have thought about that when he lit out for a day's long musical "retreat" without a word to his "beloved".Thanks for being here for me when I needed you, everyone.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (21 February 2018):
What advice do you need? You rid yourself of an emotionally abusive gaslighter. You need us to tell you not to let him back in your life? OK don’t let him back in your life.
You signed your question Alone Again. I figure it’s better being alone than abused.
Take this time to cultivate new friendships.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2018): Okay. A few things here. The comments that you quote actually don't sound too serious. I mean, we don't get tone here but if I happen to be a chef and my hubbie asks for cooking advice and I say "any chef would tell you...blah blah". My point is, it would be insulting if you were a banker, but you aren't a banker. So he isn't really dissing you, he's simply saying "any banker (like me) would tell you this". I don't think that is necessarily belittling you and you do seem to have a chip on your shoulder about that. We don't get tone so it is hard to tell if he is or is not, but you do seem overly sensitive about pretty mundane remarks that someone else might just shrug off. As for the software comment, my boyfriend tells me all the time people would laugh at me for the old cellphone I carry around...then we both laugh. Again, don't have tone here but he might not be saying it as seriously as you take it. Someone else might laugh and say "yah i'm old school that's how I like it"....Okay. So... I am sure there is a bit of both things going on here. Him being a little condescending and you being a little oversensitive. You both deal with conflict badly. I think you had an outburst at him which he took as over-the-top because he didn't think his comments were that serious. I think that he then responded with an outburst similar to yours and you two fought like schoolkids. Him saying you are ridiculous was uncalled for. He says things that only escalate the fights. I've been in a relationship like you describe. I've been oversensitive and i've had someone who didn't know how to de-escalate and so it made huge fights. One person has to be the compromiser and calm one in the relationship. If you are both that hot-headed it is for the best to part. I will say this- when you called him he came home right away. I think this speaks volumes that he did/does care. He could have easily said screw that I can spend guy time with my friends but he came home hoping to resolve it. That was too harsh changing the locks when he wanted to throw in the towel, call it a day and make up. Advice- you both have to change and start deflecting instead of inviting conflict. When one makes an overture you need to take that and make up fast instead of letting things spiral.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (20 February 2018):
 Do one last "ridiculous" thing and dump his sorry ass. A partner should build up your confidence and make you feel good about yourself. From what you say, he does exactly the opposite.Stand up for yourself before he erodes your self confidence completely and you start believing you really are what he tells you you are and, worst of all, that you don't deserve better.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 February 2018):
 While I think he might have presumed to ONLY be giving you "sound advice" he also likes to hold the power, be the "smarter one", the one who is always "right" and when you don't comply or agree - he gets rude and demeaning. Because you are not playing the game to HIS "specifications". He sounds like a condescending asshat.
I think the BEST thing you can do is pack up ALL his stuff, text him that he can come pick them up outside the house (on whatever day is convenient for YOU - not him)
And then change ALL your pin number/passwords. Once he has picked up his stuff (no need to go out and talk to him while he picks it up) YOU block his number and move on.
It's been 2 years and you have gotten to a point where you are "ALMOST" done with his crap. Be ALL the way done and start over. If you think about it, You might know of plenty of red flags in his behavior BEFORE this.
Sure you two had good times, but they can't outweigh the crap that ULTIMATELY will come with being with him. THIS is who he is. HE is not going to change.
The fact that he is trying to sweet-talk you but IS NOT apologizing shows that he doesn't think HE did anything wrong and will (if given the chance) DO it again and again. Is that really what you want in a partner?
Put yourself first. Make new friends and eventually meeting a new man might be on the horizon too as long as you don't hold ON to this guy out of guilt, pity or loneliness. He isn't worth it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2018): Place your dignity and sanity above all else. Abusive people don't have the sensitivity to care about what emotional or psychological damage they cause. They simply satisfy their impulse to bully or clobber somebody. That's not what a husband is for.
Being in his age-range, he is well-established in his bullying behavior and will not change. When confronted, he got even worse. Belittling you and being dismissive is surely narcissistic behavior. Sometimes it's just signs of an arrogant person set in their ways, and used to having things their way. They boss everybody around, and don't know when to turn it off. They treat everyone as if they're beneath them.
You made a good decision. You're not alone, you're free.
If all your friends have died off, you now have the opportunity to make new friends.
Join a golf-club and learn to play golf. Take a cooking class, or attend business seminars that will help you to make well-informed financial decisions, upgrade your skills, and better manage your investments. He wasn't wrong, just too cocky about making his point; and using yet another opportunity to put you down. Go to art exhibits, shows, concerts, swap meets, and find yourself a creative hobby to pass the lonely hours.
You're neither stupid nor the submissive type. You found him, you'll find somebody better! Embrace your independence. You just keep busy and make yourself visible and available. Use this time to enjoy life, for enlightenment, and self-improvement. Travel. You'll run into people on the same journey.
He's the one alone. He drove you away!
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (20 February 2018):
Good for you! He disrespected you and has just learned that you aren't one to put up with his crap. Do you think he's learned something thru this? I've dealt with people who've had his problem and yes, it is VERY annoying! Especially as it is YOUR house and he acted like a baby when you called him on it.
He'll be back knocking on your door, asking for forgiveness (and a place to stay, of course). I guarantee you that. You haven't given us any suggestion that this man is otherwise a keeper. If things WERE really good outside of this problem of belittling you, it might be worth a chance to see if he has learned a lesson although in all probability he would just go back to his old ways.
But things weren't really good outside of this problem, keep him out! It can be very difficult to kick someone out. You are blessed that he did this service himself.
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