A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:OMG. I hate sex with my husband. It was always not great but I thought it would improve over time. I love him very much and I didn’t think that was a reason to break up before we got married. I’ve never discussed this with anyone.Apparently pinching one nipple is my ‘on’ switch. Followed by sticking one finger to judge if I am moist enough to get in. Then D for about a minute. Grunt grunt done.Years ago I really tried to give him ideas and make things better. Then I went through I time where I just refused sex. My husband doesn’t know that I know but he had an affair. That affair was over QUICK and I bet because she found out what I already know. I had made up my mind that I just hate sex and he was welcome to take care of that elsewhere as long as he was discreet. Some things happened in my life and I decided to try again. Now I don’t expect any satisfaction ( I surely won’t get any) I just go there to satisfy him. Unselfishly. He does nice things for me, unselfishly. Through all this we have never been unkind or less than supportive of each other. I do really love him. But I feel like I’m almost at my limit again. I never knew marriage would be like this. One solution would be an open marriage but he is so conservative and straight laced he may never agree to that. Any ideas?
View related questions:
affair Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (6 March 2018):
 You can love someone without being IN love.
We've offered countless suggestions, OP. If he refuses to compromise or go to therapy, then what? Cheat on him? Spend the rest of your life miserable? You can't make him change, but you shouldn't stay unhappy and hating sex either.
It's your CHOICE. Not an easy one, but most people need to be compatible to be happy.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWiseOwlE— nope. If I didn’t love him it would be real easy to think that moving on would be the best plan. I DO love him. That’s exactly why I believed things would certainly improve after we got married. Intimacy may not be driving this relationship because it lasted through times that I pretty much avoided sex entirely. It lasted through infidelity. I was explaining it to my girlfriend that I would do almost anything for her and I love her dearly, but, I don’t look at her with sexual desure. But I don’t love her less. Be ause I love him, I wish this was not the case.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2018): Yes I'd go to therapy... I get it... I'm married to
A man who is not intimate at all..sex is mechanical.
Just wanted to encourage you ... sounds like we are
Married to the exact same kind of personality.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2018): My dear, I am so so sorry. I can only conclude that you may love your husband for old-times sake; but you are no longer in-love with the man.
We can go on and on and on with all sorts of suggestions; and with each and every one, the response from you is the same. I've tried that, it didn't work.
Maybe the motive behind the posts isn't that you are seeking advice; it is totally impossible for every suggestion made to be a miss. It is only because we are speaking to a woman who will not simply admit to herself, or to us. She only tolerates the man she's married to. You can't stand him making love to you; because you despise him. Period!
Intimacy is what drives a relationship, it feeds it life. Sex is only one way of expressing intimacy and physical-affection. No one is 100% bad at it. I'm far from a gullible person. No one is a total failure in having sex. You'll do something right eventually, even if it's accidental.
Perhaps you just need time to come to terms and decide; it's not that you hate the sex. You just no longer love the man.
You are trying to convince everyone here it's all entirely his fault. Nothing you can do changes anything. You've tried everything. Well, if there's no love there; nothing he does is right.
There are quite a few contradictions in each subsequent post that do evidence the fact, you have lost connection with your husband. You turned to another man. It's only a matter of time that will also become physical; because you admitted there was sexual-tension. So your husband is absolutely inept in bed, and he's hopeless.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (1 March 2018):
OP, please - either listen or don't. You need to see a marriage therapist. There is *no* way this will get better on it's own because you've tried. Not only that, but there are ways to make "directing" sexy. You need outside help or you will stay miserable and can't complain.
I feel for you, OP, but you're not helping yourself until you get PROFESSIONAL help. TOGETHER.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnonymous— Yes. I have talked. I have coached. He isn’t a jerk. He would probably try if asked him. He would do whatever it was, every single time, in the same order until I was ready to scream. Then I would have to say don’t do it in the same order. Exactly like you said, sensuality and emotion are just not his thing. Because none of this— foreplay, spontaneity, variety just go over his head. Why? I could imagine him thinking. Aren’t we going to have sex? Can we just have it? Directing things like a director of a porn scene is as unsexy and unsatisfying as it sounds. That makes me want to say ‘just get it over with!’ which is not nice and I do not want to hurt his feelings. He is also like this about other things, passion is just not his deal.
He is a really good guy. I think his attraction to me is that I have those qualities that he lacks. I am spontaneous and I am creative and he supports my adventures and I drag him into my world and he enjoys himself (I’m laughing and socializing and giddy— he cracks a smile) But I feel like I have held back my personality for fear of being ‘too much’ for him. There are some things I’d probably like to try in bed and I think he’d be fairly incredulous, I’ve asked him about porn (I figured he would get some ideas) he said not really. Which probably means no, but he doesn’t want to sound too prudish to me.
The vibrator...nope, never had one but I’m open to that!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnonymous— Yes. I have talked. I have coached. He isn’t a jerk. He would probably try if asked him. He would do whatever it was, every single time, in the same order until I was ready to scream. Then I would have to say don’t do it in the same order. Exactly like you said, sensuality and emotion are just not his thing. Because none of this— foreplay, spontaneity, variety just go over his head. Why? I could imagine him thinking. Aren’t we going to have sex? Can we just have it? Directing things like a director of a porn scene is as unsexy and unsatisfying as it sounds. That makes me want to say ‘just get it over with!’ which is not nice and I do not want to hurt his feelings. He is also like this about other things, passion is just not his deal.He is a really good guy. I think his attraction to me is that I have those qualities that he lacks. I am spontaneous and I am creative and he supports my adventures and I drag him into my world and he enjoys himself (I’m laughing and socializing and giddy— he cracks a smile) But I feel like I have held back my personality for fear of being ‘too much’ for him. There are some things I’d probably like to try in bed and I think he’d be fairly incredulous, I’ve asked him about porn (I figured he would get some ideas) he said not really. Which probably means no, but he doesn’t want to sound too prudish to me. The vibrator...nope, never had one but I’m open to that!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2018): I think one thing that might help is if you masturbate before having sex with your husband. If you've had an orgasm, it's possible that the sex after it will be better for BOTH of you, and he will hopefully either understand that you need better, longer foreplay or he will encourage you to masturbate before sex.
Also, OP I don't mean to sound like a jerk, but why are you bringing up your ex? It doesn't sound relevant to your question, unless your point is that you are not emotionally connected to your husband, which adds to the bad sex.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2018): OP, I posted here before saying that I was sympathetic to you. Even moreso now.Unlike the others who keep saying it is half your fault because you didn't communicate...that is SO false! These posters obviously have no experience with people who are not sensual. YES there are people who are not sensual, and your husband is one of them and my boyfriend is another. And it doesn't matter how much you coach them, as you and I both know. I totally understand what you mean about getting tired of having to give directions for literally every move and still having the whole process awkward and tone deaf. Also, other posters are saying it means he is purposely trying to displease you or purposely not bothering to satisfy you, and I think we both know this isn't true either! It sounds like he is very awkward, un-coordinated, unrhythmical and unsensual, and none of that is on purpose. It can be very extreme in some people.My advice? Keep your end goal in mind: "We like each other, love each other, and have amazing adventures together. I don’t want a divorce. I’d like to travel together, cook together, watch our grandchildren grow up, hang out and have fun like we always do."Yes you dislike sex and it really sucks, but he brings other qualities. Everyone has some big downfall, this is his. Life isn't perfect so if it is good in other ways, accept that you have chosen the lack of chemistry route and unfortunately it leaves you longing but you have other good things in life so focus on that and make do as best you can with the sex. I don't think badgering him about performing better all the time is going to work which you already know.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2018): Aging in a relationship brings on new challenges. We learn to adapt ourselves to certain things in order to keep the peace. I read your last follow-up and was able to understand this.
You are content with your marriage as it is. You sought what your husband didn't provide from your ex. You did mention a sexual-tension; which is often only a prelude to an affair. So you did participate in an affair of a psychological-nature. You still went outside your marriage instead of dealing with the problems within your marriage.
As OP's often do, they comeback with a well-written retraction of everything they initially said. If you were happy within your marriage, you would never turn to another man for anything that you married your husband for. You would never have been moved to write for help and advice.
I'm not in anyway making an effort to unravel your marriage. I think that's already slowly occurring; because you can't talk to your husband. When he turns his back to avoid discussion of your needs and concerns; he is doing what he has done throughout your married-life. Shutting you down.
You hate sex with him, and like an old-time 20th century wife, you lie there disgusted and grossed-out by a man who closes his mind to your feelings and needs. He is also closing you out of his heart. You claim to love him, but he shows no empathy or sensitivity. So sex is not an expression of love and affection; while he grunts and groans on top of you.
Intellectually, I understand; but fortunately I don't relate. I've never had to live a life with someone I couldn't discuss my feelings with. I've never even dated someone I hated sex with. I could never love someone like that.
I have nothing more to add to this post. I will say in closing; he isn't a good husband unless he cares about pleasing his wife in every way. A marriage with open two-way communication is a happy marriage. There is trust and mutual concern.
Anyone I would dedicate my life to, they will always be able to tell me what's in their heart. Good or bad. I refuse to take my needs or problems outside of my relationship; unless it is to seek professional help. You remain because you are older, you have kids and grand-kids; but you rely on your ex to compensate for your husband's shortcomings. Eventually, you will tire of his back facing you; while you fall asleep unfulfilled with sadness in your heart.
...............................
A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (22 February 2018):
Based on your follow-up, your options are down to those that do not include having even half-way decent sex with your husband. It is either put up with sex you hate, leave, restrict your sex life to masturbation, have an outside relationship and/or live in frustration for the remainder of your marriage. I can't imagine him condoning an outside relationship. And he's proven himself horny so he is going to eventually want sex with you (which you hate).
"Are you trying to tell me something?" Really, this guy seems like a dunce. Any normal man would at least make some effort to improve his wife's sexual satisfaction if she told him he was doing a lousy job. I can't imagine you being happy in the other aspects of your marriage.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (22 February 2018):
"are you trying to tell me something?" You say "I am. I need X, Y and Z from you. You are happy, but I am not."
Seriously, OP. Don't do it in bed, when it's late. Do it when you have TIME to discuss it properly. Next time you bring it up, and do it soon(!), suggest sex therapy. If he says no, say "I at least need us to go to marriage counselling, because I want a loving marriage, not just marriage to my friend."
You had a bad idea of what marriage is, growing up. It can be so much better than it is. Don't settle. Make sure you're happy or you're wasting your life (in terms of love/marriage).
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really do appreciate your answers. They have given me a lot to think about, and decisions to make. We had the conversation... again. I said I am not satisfied. I asked him and he said he is satisfied but feels things are somewhat one sided. I asked again, are you happy with sex the way it is, one sided, just like it is. His answer was yes, are you trying to tell me something? YES!!!!! Ok, we’ll talk about it later— he said. Now he’s back on his side of the bed silent on the subject and not even attempting anything sexual. Who knows what’s next.Right now we have a marriage where we are essentially great friends. I grew up in a house where bitter arguments were the norm so this part of marriage is like heaven to me. We like each other, love each other, and have amazing adventures together. I don’t want a divorce. I’d like to travel together, cook together, watch our grandchildren grow up, hang out and have fun like we always do.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (22 February 2018):
OP, either take the advice or leave it and stay hating sex."Honey, we need to talk. I love you more than anything, but I don't enjoy sex and I need us to try new things or go to sex therapy. If we don't, I'm afraid I will be unhappy and we should both enjoy sex."It's partly your fault for not being firm with it decades ago. You need to be blunt, if he's not getting it. If you genuinely believe you have been blunt, then he just doesn't care about you being sexually satisfied.There's no point staying in a marriage that doesn't keep you satisfied in all areas. If he cares, he'll try to improve things.You might as well be friends, if you don't want sex with him anymore.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really don’t have any buried resentments! I can’t even fake any. I am really pretty honest about my feelings and I would say so. I have no problem speaking up and saying how I feel but I do HATE repeating myself so I won’t keep saying the same thing on loop. And before someone thinks I was ‘paying him back’ that is absolutely not true. I remembered vividly why I loved my ex. He was there for me when my mother was dying. He held my hand (figuratively) and walked me through the process of death— made me remember to get some sleep, reminded me who my parents always were and told me not to expect change, he’d be enraged with me that my dad was so mean. He was emotionally present for me in ways my husband has never been able to be. He UNDERSTOOD he’d just gone through the same thing with his father. Sadly we bonded over grief and me just trying to survive watching my mother leave me slowly. I couldn’t have cared less about that affair at the time. My only thought was please, save me.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI’ve never faked an orgasm in my life. I’ve never even considered doing that! Either I have one or I don’t. I’m not big on mixed messages and I’m sure my husband would say I am very direct. I just got TIRED of this conversation. We were not each other’s first. And sadly I didn’t know there was such a thing as bad sex— I’d never experienced that until I got married. I was surprised and sure it would improve. We loved each other after all.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 February 2018):
 I'll address the affair in a moment, but want to get the sex part out of the way first, or every relationship you have will die and burn like this one.
Well, I hate to tell you this, but you are 50% the reason why your sex life sucks, and that your marriage has eroded to this awful point. Before you get upset at me, let me lay out the reasons, and I think you might learn somethings that will help you!
1. If you've been married to him for YEARS as you say, you've had the opportunity to tell him what does and doesn't feel good! You fake orgasms! You're in the majority, as statistic show that 73% of women regularly fake orgasms inside of married relationships. However, faking it makes a guy think he's doing things right, so has no reason to change.
2. The top 3 reasons why the faking happens is the Faker wants to get it over with, for crying out loud, and they don't want to hurt the partner's feelings or ego, and, they don't know much about sex or their own bodies either apart from porn or what ill-informed friends or parents tell them.
3. Were you each other's first?? If you two have been together for years sexually, you grow and evolve together technically, and a lot of that is achieved by a mutual love for sex and for each other! That means for a woman to gently guide a guy away from bad "rub one off" habits when he's with her to mutual sex, and likewise, a woman CANNOT fake! She has to be as engaged and active in the sex act as the man, not just laying back like a slug to be grunted and shoved on. On both parts, that's nothing short of selfish and lazy!
NOW -- the affair. I think you and he need marriage counseling, because if my husband were to have an affair, I'd be devastated! There's more to an affair than just sex, so this is alarming. You should go into some marriage counseling with your husband and a licensed therapist, and some of these buried resentments can get to the surface and be communicated.
Sex therapists are the next step for after the marriage counselor, if your marriage is helped by the counselor. That WILL be fun for you! You'll have to get to know your own body, and once you start finding out for yourself what turns you on and you start giving yourself regular orgasms and such, REALLY getting intimate with someone is nothing short of spectactular.
And, I can say this -- YOU have emotional intimacy problems with letting people get close, and it's manifesting in the bedroom. Marriage is not the place to close off from your partner, and you've had a problem with that your entire life. there *IS* still hope for you if you two and a licensed therapist can start working on things!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for responding. It’s such a relief to be able to talk about this!
We got married young but not super young— mid twenties. We’ve been married for decades. I USED to try to talk to my husband about sex decades ago to try to talk it through. I will say I have never been mean about it, or snarky. I would never want to hurt his feelings (he would never intentionally hurt mine). Unfortunately he’s not big about talking about feelings. The dog’s grooming, the crisis at work, our meal, my hair cut, sex would all get the same response— it’s fine. I used to joke and ask him— is it bad fine, just ok fine or really great fine?
When we went through a tough time with our teenager I was feeling very distant because I was feeling so exhausted trying to cope. I had no energy for explaining sex, even having sex. I was over it. Patience was at an end.
He slept on his side, I slept on mine. We definitely entered the friend zone. And I decided that it was me— I was just over the whole sex thing. It had never one been good in decades so... done.
I found out about the affair about two years after we were out of the teenager crisis. I was surprised but more surprised at myself. I really didn’t care. My only thing was that I figured out why he was so mentally checked out during the teenager crisis. The sex part...ehh. Things had gotten back to normal we were happy (during the day) and the affair was over. I’ve never told him that I know.
Now things got tricky. My mother was dying (though I didn’t know it at the time and this was years after the rough time) My father was being terrible.
I have always been in touch with an old boyfriend from college strictly as platonic friends, we’d never had one hint of romantic talk. He knew my parents ‘crazy’ and brainstormed solutions about care and how to deal with adult child stuff. He’d been through it with his dad. He supported me EMOTIONALLY. He had actual thoughts on things. The first day he said— I know, I understand, it’s a fucked up situation. I almost died. My husband would never cuss, he never had that wide a range of emotion. And the situation was indeed ‘fucked up’. We hadn’t seen each other for thirty years. We’d been threatening to do lunch, but had never got around to it. On a whim we went. I couldn’t eat. It was undeniable sexual tension. I thought it would be gross though— we certainly weren’t the two svelte 20 year olds. I was thinking exit strategy on the way there. Ugh the idea alone, a chubby middle aged grey haired man. Never mind me— two babies later, ugh, just ugh. Afterward I cried. Because this man asked me if he’d made me happy. Never ever had my husband asked me that. There was no instruction necessary, no diagrams, no long one sided explanations. He remembered my body and what I liked and I remembered his... thirty years later. I cried because I realized I DON’T hate sex. It is just that my husband is pretty bad at it— honestly. I think it might be because of his natural low emotional state. I am grateful that I know this. It’s a relief. This whole thing has made me less frustrated and now I can just let my husband do it his way. I think that’s all he’s got to give. I’m not sure I’d enjoy him performing some doctor directed sex.And having to give instructions just kind of is a turn off to me I’ve done it sooo long.
My ex’s wife is downright nasty about sex. Telling him to handle it himself, that’s what porn is for. He loves her though like I love my husband. There’s no break up talk or jealousy. This has been two years, like one poster said this is bound to end at a point as we get older but that will be okay. We still meet up to just hang out even now. He’s been a great friend, I love him. I would have never expected ‘tis of myself, but here I am.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2018): Do you own any vibrators? No? Buy one. I recommend the "bullet". Very easy to use and works by yourself or together with a partner, as it is so small you can use it during intercourse.Using a vibrator will help YOU have a better time when having sex. I also suggest you use porn, if you're not against it by principle. Find some fantasy that you enjoy and that turns you on. Use your husband as a part of your sex routine, as a prop. Opposed to you being a part of his routine, if you get what I mean. Take control and use him to pleasure yourself. If he pinches you or turns you off, tie his hands to the bed and then carry on. I say work with what you have. Some people don't improve in the bedroom, so in this case talking to him is pointless. Just start being pro-active in ensuring that YOU have a good sex life. And, honestly, when it comes to sex, when the woman has a good time the man usually has a great time also. So don't worry about being selfish. Be selfish in bed!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2018): I'm not as unsympathetic as the others. I know that good chemistry takes more than just communicating what you want to the other person. The reality is, sometimes even if you try and try to communicate, if they aren't sensually inclined, the message falls on deaf ears. Just like some people cannot dance well no matter how many times you put the music on and teach them they can't feel the rhythm in their bodies...same with sex. That being said, I like to think that everyone can improve to some degree. Even those bad dancers who may never be naturals can maybe learn a few tricks to get by. Similarly, let's face reality- your husband probably will never satisfy you the way other men possibly could. However, he has other great qualities according to you, so you owe it to him to make the best of this situation. This includes trying to coach him to the best of his abilities. Pick one thing to work on every few weeks. Maybe that is him lasting a bit longer each time or maybe that is slowing down the pace and having him be less rough. Or maybe improving kissing skills if possible. Full disclosure: in a relationship right now where things could be better in bed but like you I am choosing to stay because of other qualities. For some the compromise is unthinkable, but for many others like us the compromise is worth it. It is just reminding yourself why you chose them in the first place. I don't expect miracles from my man. He will never kiss well even though I've tried to coach him 1000 times. But he can make little improvements in sensuality. Another reality is that you are in your 50s now, very soon at an age where sex will decline naturally for most couples as ED becomes more common in the men of your age, as well as prostate surgeries affecting performance. So if you leave hoping to be satisfied elsewhere it might be difficult to find a partner who can perform better.However...I have to wonder if you know your husband had an affair, wouldn't it be fair if you were allowed one affair as well? If he never disclosed than vice versa seems fair to me. It is a bit unclear from your post, did you actually tell him that if he had an affair and was satisfied somewhere else your were okay with that? Or is that what you thought to yourself after finding out?I do wonder if perhaps another barrier to your pleasure is repressed resentment that he had an affair during a time when you went off sex. Maybe it has to be discussed in the open. Maybe not. It is what you think would be best for healing.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (20 February 2018):
Blunt communication.
Other than that: "he is so conservative and straight laced he may never agree to that", except he cheated (you think?), so he's not *that* conservative. What, he'll do it in secret, but not when told he can? Not if it means you can too, anyway.
Be straightforward. Be honest in the moment, as well as not in the moment. Try to teach: "I like this", "I prefer that", "please can you do this instead", etc. rather than "I'm bored of this" or "you're doing nothing for me".
If he still won't listen, counselling or divorce. Opening the marriage probably won't help. In most cases, it just opens you up to what else is out there and it doesn't just stay sexual.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2018): You two need to talk openly and I also agree that therapy would be a good idea.One thing you should accept though, him not satisfying you is also YOUR responsibility. You should have said something. Lovers are not born they're grown. You have to tell them what you want. Show them. Lead them. They cannot read your mind. Also, we change over the years and it is necessary to let our partners know about our new likes and dislikes. They won't be able to guess. That's why you need to know what you like. Do you know what you like?So, when you do talk to your husband, thread lightly. Don't scream at him what you haven't been able to say for years. Also, does he have any problems? Physical (e.g. erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation)? Mental, emotional? If he does, the problems need to be addressed.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2018): [EDIT]:
"You won't be able to keep-up your facade much longer."
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2018): For some strange reason, mature people in their late 40's (and older) have a really difficult time discussing sex with their partners. Why is that?
How long have you two been married? Did you marry late in life? Years ago you tried to give him ideas. Why'd you stop? Why didn't you take the initiative and tell him straight-up what you want and need? You allowed him to have affairs just to avoid sex. What kind of a marriage is that? That's how people dealt with things back in the times of your parents.
Some folks will go on for years feeling dissatisfied or disgusted; before they'd say anything. Then there's the other extreme; making comparisons and bringing up better times they've had with others in the past. I mean, seriously?!!
No matter how long you're in a relationship; you may be intuitive, but you'll never become mind-readers! You have to use your words and talk!!!
He's your mate. Your spouse! You get naked in-front of this man, you share the same bed, and the same house. How close do people have to be to share their feelings? With the exception of during a major argument or blowout; when they say hurtful wicked things they shouldn't. When ears become numb to facts, and words are nothing more than weapons.
Your husband sees sex as a means for his own release and pleasure. He doesn't know the difference between real-sex and masturbation. Your unresponsiveness pretty much encourages him to get-on and just get it over with. You are no more creative than he is. You just lie there and let him disgust you. You've never discussed this with anyone. I gather you haven't. He's the one you really should.
You don't have to be hurtful or insensitive. You do have to be honest and and informative. Tell him what you'd like him to do. How he can please you. Suggest or ask him what things he'd like you to do for him. If you're a partner who just lies there, he's not encouraged to do much of anything; but just please himself and leave you alone. You're two of a kind.
Being submissive and lying there frustrated while hating every moment of it, makes no sense at all. You say you love him? For what? Being a provider, someone who pays the bills, just for the companionship? You can't friend-zone your husband. You're two healthy people who have sexual-needs and sexual-appetites. Unfortunately, you're not on the same spectrum or the same page when it comes to sex.
Before suggesting an open-marriage, which is basically a precursor to divorce, consider a sex therapist. Not some creepy new-age hack who gets his or her rocks off diddling with people with sexual-problems. I mean someone reputable, with full credentials; who has a decent track record. Do your research. It's a branch of psychotherapy.
Sex-therapy sessions are not like those creepy pornographic portrayals; where people end-up naked and having orgies. They are licensed and trained therapists. People learn to trust each other. To openly discuss their feelings. In fact, you don't remove your clothes; and you do not perform in-front of your therapist. Not to be confused with those expensive sex-retreats and swinger-events. Orgies disguised as legitimate treatment. Not at all in the same category or classification.
People are always inclined to go alternative; before trying something that would be more of a healing process. It's easy to have an open-marriage. Just to give each other permission to mess around with other people; until you eventually find someone to runaway with. In that case, just get a divorce and do it.
You have to tell him exactly what you've told us. He needs to know.
Educate the ignorant. The difference between ignorant and stupid is, you can educate the ignorant. Stupid rejects knowledge. If he's stupid and doesn't listen; divorce is just sitting on the back-burner waiting to happen.
You won't be able to keep-up your facade much loner. Your post is a clear indication you've reached that point.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 February 2018):
 I don't think an "open marriage" is a solution to the problem. AT ALL. Or at least NOT the first option to seek.
If you INTEND on making this marriage work you NEED to have a VERY uncomfortable and straight to the point conversation about sex. About how UNFULFILLED you are sexually.
Telling him you find your sexual life very dull and unsatisfying and that you would like to spice it up - IS not a direct criticism of his "skills" (or rather lack there off.
Tell him what turns you on, ASK him what turns him on.
Tell him WHAT you would LIKE for him to DO to you and with you, sexually.
Go for the positive and not the criticism of his skills.
If nothing improves, then counseling COULD be an option.
And if that doesn't work either - then YOU can bring up the open marriage or divorce.
...............................
A
male
reader, liddel +, writes (20 February 2018):
I'm in the same age range as you and have been in a marriage for 30 years with a horrible sex life. At the age of 33, I was told that it was okay to go thirty, sixty, or ninety days without sex. At that point, leaving was considered and I didn't do it because I would miss my child too much. Cheating was considered and it actually got to a point where I was naked in a woman's bed but backed out. Didn't want to be that guy and if caught, it would not have been good. Many years later and I've gone two years without sex. Planning on being out of the house as soon as the youngest is out of high school in about 14 months. Not just for the sex but other reasons too. I'm not dead yet. Eventually, I will marry another woman that loves me and will want to have sex. I always made sure my wife had a couple of orgasms during sex. A 57 year old man single man will be popular. The thought that my life may last another 30+ years makes me know I can't stay here.As to your sex life, there is no excuse for it not to have gotten better over time. While my wife thought her efforts toward sex should be limited to allowing access, it still resulted in me being able to orgasm. You need to decide if there is a reason to stay and if you do, are you willing to endure a poor marriage for 30+ more years.
...............................
A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (20 February 2018):
At least he has a sexual appetite...that's a good starting point for improving things. Have you ever had an open conversation with him about how you feel and why? What have you done to educate him about turning you on and giving you orgasms? That would be the place to start.
Seeing a professional therapist together is an obvious option...you must have thought of that but may not have done so for whatever reasons.
In any case, communication is key. And that goes both ways...you should be asking him questions and he should be telling you why he hasn't made more of an effort.
If you've done the above and he still hasn't inched toward giving you satisfaction, it is time to decide where you want to take this marriage.
...............................
|
