A
male
age
30-35,
*hayynne
writes:hi. im 18 and im with a girl who i love very much, but have had some past and present issues that are just bothering me too the point of no return. im so jealous lately and here are the reasons why. first off..she left me and cheated on me the last time i was with her. almost 2 years ago. i believe she has realised what a mistake she has made. second..since she went to some party a few months ago, with a friend from work..(we were togther then) a rumor was started saying she cheated on me again. i didnt want to believe it..she completely denies anything happening. i have come to believe her about it. since then though..i have been having some serious trust issues..before the moment i heard that she could have cheated on me again, i was fine with almost anything, i didnt get jealous often, nothing really. now everything makes me jealous. since the incedent i have had a habit of going through her phone. i found her texting a guy i knew. to me it seemed like she was flirting. she says she wasnt. i know the guy, and hes a good guy, but why would she be texting him and playing 20 questions? i tell her how much it botheres me that she did that. i thought she would understand how doing something like that would make me feel...she wasnt really saying anything bad..but she put a lot of smileys and calls him babydoll..like wtf? i bring it up all the time..because she did that i dont like her texting him, but she says they are just friends..i dont want to tell her i dont like her texting him, or that she should stop for a bit, to help me get over the anxiety ive been feeling. i bring him up a lot now, only because i like to be reasuered that shes not doing anything. or that she loves me. i dont really know why im feeling the way i do..i just love her so much, even though she has made some mistakes in the past ivve been willing to forgive her. she went through the same phase with me. over some girl i was just friends with, i never flirted with her while texting though. i understood how it made her feel when i would text this girl. so i stopped for her sake. i wish she would just try to understand how i feel now..she really should, but uhg..i just need help coping with my thoughts about everything..
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male
reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (4 February 2010):
 The problem related to trust is very delicate. I always feel difficulty in handling such problem, because I cannot make straight statement, which give me satisfaction that I have correctly guide the questioner.
Anyway, my understanding is this: At base the real problem is problem of sex. Human mind never feel satisfied when he think about sex. It is just normal to separate sex from love. One can have sex with as many as one want to have, but one cannot love as many as...So, the ideal thing is to preserve the unity of sex and love, which will make life lovable.
It is TANTRA...The science and art of love and sex, I advise you both to start to learn about it. As a science it is more than sexology. Please feel free to contact me, if my commnent,...and not answer to you problem, appeal to you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2010): Once someone has lost your trust its an uphill struggle to get it back. Suddenly every little thing they do is suspicious and a threat. Its miserable, i know. But thats how it leaves you feeling. Its happened to a lot of us. The only way back after an inccident like cheating. Is for the person that didnt behave well to really, really show they understand and want to work hard at regaining your trust. And it is work! It takes time and patience if they want things to work with you. As this girl...tho made you give up a friend...wont even stop texting her male friend. And sees nothing wrong with flirting with him....which is what shes doing. Things are not going to work out. Mainly because she doesnt understand or care that she has to work at regaining your trust. I think you might be flogging a dead horse there, sorry x
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A
male
reader, lostboy718 +, writes (4 February 2010):
well i went thru the same thing... i was in her shoes.
i didnt cheat on her but she couldnt trust me. i was honest with her but she still thought i cheated on her. but because i loved her so much i stopped... i stopped everything in my life and dedicated a new life with her in showing her that she meant a lot to me... but in turn i lost my friends because it became a controlled relationship in which i couldnt do anything without her thinking i was up to no good. it's been yrs later and she still is the same way. she hasnt changed... only person who changed was me... i was being controlled and lost a lot of my friends.
it came to the point where my gf and i broke up because she couldnt trust me. yrs wasted with her and i'm left with nothing... not her or my friends. now i must try to reclaim my life.
so my advice is... have a sit down with her... let her know how you feel... if she is willing to try and reassure you ... so should you.. give her the benefit of the doubt... if you keep on thinking bad things and thinking negative of her.. nothing positive will happen from it... you are going to be controlling... try to trust her.
remember.. you thinking negative and speculating things will make things worse... because you let your imagination get the best of ya. for example.. one time my gf thought i was up to no good because i didnt pick up my phone when i was out with my boys. reason was because my phone wasn't working. the next day i get to her house.. she already thinks things... i showed her my phone wasnt working.
see i was telling the truth but she still thought silly things... dont make the same mistake... if she loves you a lot.. she will take your feelings into consideration and reassure you... but you too have to give a bit and let her live her life...and not live it for you.... but with you.
i hope that helps
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A
female
reader, jc82 +, writes (4 February 2010):
 I really think people understand commitment and trust differently. Maybe you and this girl have very different ideas about what it is to be "faithful". Let her know you want her to stop texting him, that its really annoying you. She should stop, if its not that important to her (especially if you stopped for her before). Then, take that as a sign that you can trust her and try to stop snooping on her.
If she refuses to stop, and her freedom is that important to her, maybe you need a small break. Just to get your head back on straight. And perhaps even to see if she will start dating this other guy or not. If that is what she really wants, its no good to trap her. You have to know what she really wants and to be able to trust her in order to have any peace of mind.
Best of luck to you.
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A
male
reader, Heartbroken in love +, writes (4 February 2010):
In my opinion she crossed a line a while back and has yet to show that she deserves to cross back over. She has not fully gained ur trust back and if she wants to be with you having your trust should be important to her. Maybe its not all that important to her and she would really rather do her own thing. Its not fun feeling the way you do. My advice? Let her go. Let her go with the idea that it may be the end. Your issues are legitimate and you shouldn't try hanging on to her if she is too slippery. I know you are afraid to let go of someone while you love them but it will only make you stronger. You deserve to feel secure in your relationships.
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A
female
reader, girl from bristol  +, writes (4 February 2010):
hi no wonder you dont trust her if she cheated on you the trust is broken its ok for her to have friends but not firting with them thats wrong you should not have stopped contacting your friend i think you should forget her as you cant trust her and she will cheat on you again
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