A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I have just started seeing a guy who is a divorcee and after he split up with his wife he had a long partner for about 8 years. He is 51 years old with a grown up sone at college. I am a bit worried because of the way he talks about his ex GF and wife. He saw his ex GF a few weeks ago just before I started dating him and they have stayed in regular contact since splitting up a year ago. She is still upset about the break up and I think they have feelings for each other and unresolved issues. He is now being quite mean to her, telling her to 'clear off I'm dating someone now' etc etc .. Should I back off a bit and leave them to sort out their stuff?? She is very very upset and also hasn't been well. The other thing is the way he talks about them, referring them as 'bitches' and being very critical of them both. I have not been good at warning signs before but I am 45 now and divorced with grown up children so I'd like to think I've got a bit more aware. Are all these things warning signs that I should back off. His ex has said to him apparently that whilst he and she are unresolved that I should back off. She sounds like a nice woman I must admit and seems very distressed indeed about all this. He has quite a temper too and it kind of bugs me that he is being quite cruel to his ex, who he says was his soulmate and they were very close until he dumped her. He dumped her because he was having problems with himself but he blamed a lot of it on her. I have been single for a while and was excited to be dating someone but is this a good idea? I am quite concerned and would appreciate any comments. Has anyone else been in this position and what should I do. Thanks very much.
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divorce, ex girlfriend, his ex, soulmate, split up Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): http://www.dearcupid.org/question/relationship-red-flags.html
Check out my article with resource links.
Personally, I don't like the sounds of this. He is abusive in his name calling about his exes, he continues to argue with her after a year and she can't let go.
He has a bad temper and blames other people for his problems.
He may be pathological, and his ex may be as well, or she could be so upset and confused because living with a pathological man leaves a woman emotionally shattered sometimes even financially shattered, due to all the emotional abuse and manipulation she received from her partner.
Read some of this stuff and if anything rings true for you, then I think you are dodging a big fat bullet here by finding out how he is in a relationship before you invest too much. My gut feeling about this is these are Huge Red Flags and you need to look elsewhere and leave them to it, permanently.
Let us know how it turns out.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2010): Hello, thank you for your answers. I really appreciate it and I feel so much better. Regarding his ex, yes I have wondered why he still argues with her. He said he was going to change his mobile number and ignore her and he said this a few times but he hasn't done it yet and he argues with her by text. I saw a text from her saying she doesn't want to have text wars but just wants to meet him to discuss and it does sound as though he is the one with the anger issues. But why is he still texting her to argue?? He refuses to meet her just now but texts her angry texts - could this mean he still loves her? Anyway I think I should back off and maybe just chat to him as a friend sometime because it is all sounding complicated.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2010): Yes ive been in your position. Head for the hills and dont look back! He has unresolved issues with two women already. As for being abusive about them and bad tempered. You dont need that in your life. Leave them to each other, they obviously enjoy themselves or they`d stop contact and to move on. If he split up with his ex gf a year ago they should be over it by now. They arent, so move on fast before you get bogged down with all his issues. Find yourself a lovely UNattached guy, that is living in the here and now. You dont need someone whos bitter angry abusive and walks out after 8yrs because hes got "problems" x
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (4 February 2010):
I think it's well worth you backing away here. You don't want to end up just being a rebound girl. Continue to see him sometimes, but explain that you think until issues are resolved you think you should take it slow.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (4 February 2010):
In this case I think you should back off for a few weeks. Give them some space to iron out their issues. While you are there as his option he will not work on any of it. But be prepared that your backing off might result in them reconciling. But better now than when you are in love.
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