A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hello. havnt quite done this before. so growing up I've had a couple girlfriends. nothing serious or anything. I havnt had a girlfriend in quite a long time. almost a couple years. I met a girl at my work. we are extremely close. she knows I have a thing. unfortunately she has a boyfriend. a while ago she came to me about her boyfriend, saying she doesn't see her any more and she's thinkin about leaving him. most guys will either encourage it or not attempt to sway her decision. I told her not too, how she has been with him for a long time and she should try to work it out. basically convincing her not to leave him. I didn't want to see her sad, she was crying when she came to me. she is in love with him or atleast she makes me believe she is. recently my boss groped my sister (non blood) and all I can think was wat if this happnd to her (my crush or love or whatever you want to call her). my boss was transferred and I asked her if he ever touched her in any way. I didn't ask earlier cuz my sister didn't want everyone to know. she thanked me for caring so much and told me how good of a person I am, and how she is lucky to even know me. everyone tells me how its obvious that she likes me a great deal. lately I've been thinkin a great deal why do I have to be the guy that has to stab himself in the back so others can be happy. I can't stop thinkin bout her and I see her everyday. my sister told me I have to tell her how I feel. I couldn't do that. it would be extremely wrong to put her in that position and I couldn't do that to her. I couldn't make her choose between me and her boyfriend. I want nothing more than to be with her but at the same time I can't try to intervene in her current relationship. I don't really know what to do my sister tells me how its been so long since I've been in a relationship and I should try find someone. what should I do? do I have to be this guy? the guy who stays alone so everyone else can be happy. help
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female
reader, visione +, writes (4 February 2010):
 How long has she been with her boyfriend? If their relationship is rocky and she has to come crawling to you for comfort instead of confronting her boyfriend... maybe something is wrong with her relationship. You shouldn't really just tell her to "stick with him", you should try to help her realize what the problem is and if there is a solution... Whether she takes your advice or not is up in the air, but don't get yourself too entangled her own problems. (Just a note for the future).
But like other people have mentioned, you shouldn't waste time with someone already in a relationship - work on being happy for yourself. You don't *need* a relationship or a girlfriend to be happy! If she is truly interested in you she will leave him of her own accord and come to you - if not, then at least she is a good friend right?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2010): No you dont have to be alone so others can be happy. You are entitled to be happy too. Just not with this girl....at the moment. Keep being a friend to her, you sound a good man. If or when things dont work out with her boyfriend you will be there for her and thats what friends are for. She may even decide she prefers you at some stage but as you say, thats not your decision to make and quite right too! Start dating. It may make her see you in a different light. May even make her jealous, who knows. Just get on with leading a normal life. Dont put everything on hold because you like her. There are loads of lovely girls out there, dont think because ones not available at the moment it means you have to be alone. Because you dont. Being back on the dating scene could suddenly make you very interesting to her! All the best.
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A
female
reader, jc82 +, writes (4 February 2010):
 Since you have written that you are 18-21, I assume she is approximately the same age. And not married or engaged. "Intervening", as you put it, is normal and expected at your age. People are not necessarily supposed to marry their first serious boyfriend! Sometimes interventions lead to great relationships. Don't be overly moralistic about this. Just tell her how you feel. Its not like you are clubbing her over the head and dragging her back to your cave. You are just cluing her in to the fact that she could have you, if she wanted. That a different relationship would be possible. In a way, its only fair that she does know. Maybe she would prefer to be with you! And again, she isn't married, or engaged. She's pretty free to do what she wants.
Also, maybe you are unwilling to admit your feelings because you are scared? Not so much because she has a boyfriend? If that is the case, then deal with your fear first, and work up the courage to tell her how you feel. You don't even have to have a huge, dramatic discussion about it, there are subtle ways to let someone know that you like them. Just flirt more, try and hang out with her alone, away from work.
Best of luck to you!
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