A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:For a year I was with a man that I was absolutely in love with. From the beginning there were red flags such as an occasional night of drugs, a recent divorce, little white lies. But then we talked, moved in together, and things seemed to be perfect. About five months ago everything started falling apart. We were constantly fighting and he had insane mood swings, I found out he was doing drugs (ecstasy and cocaine for sure), and he didn't trust me at all, although I never gave him a reason not to. I tend to always believe in people too much, but I feel like I truly know the man he is. I moved out after a night of fighting without end, but still wanted to make it work. When I caught him lying about drugs yet again, I spoke with his family about it. They confronted him, and he blames me. He also got fired from his job because of the coke. Since then I feel like such a pathetic person, because I still want him. He only calls when he wants, and isn't even nice most of the time. I know he's hooked up with other girls already and is running with a bad crew of drug users. He has a new job and always seems to be happy, always surrounded by friends, always got something going on. Before our relationship I was a confident, intelligent, beautiful person, and now I just feel so lost. Why is he ok (actually it seems as though he is great), while I'm still dwelling on what could have been? I've made a fool of myself by allowing someone to treat me like this, yet I hate the fact that he doesn't want me anymore. I just wrote him a message about how I feel, and the man that I was suppossed to marry may not even return it. What should I do? Why is he happy and I'm miserable?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 July 2011):
 You should Move On with a capital M. Some time we get fascinated with the workings of people's minds... when these people do not even have a mind of their own. Like in his case- this man has a cocaine addiction, his addiction is doing is thinking for him, do you REALLY expect consistency and depth of feelings from him ?...
Some times, questions are superfluous. Why ask why. "Bad crew of drug users " is a string of words that should be enough to kill any curiosity of yours toward him. Leave the whys to the shrinks,- and stay the hell out of his way.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2011): First of all, please DO NOT take this man back. It's a good thing he's not interested in getting you back. Typically, people who are addicted to drugs and/or alcohol usually verbally, emotionally, and/or physically abuse their partner. From what you've written this guy is already being mean to you.
Second of all, you don't really know that he's happy, and it doesn't matter. Yes, you want him to be miserable because he doesn't have you by his side, but try not to let yourself go there. Right now it may not seem like it, but your feelings and connection to this guy will fade. I assure you, once they fade, you will be so glad it is all over. Your beautiful, intelligent, and confident self will return.
There are tons of books on abusive relationships, and if you have any inclinations on hooking back up with this guy, please read a book or two on the subject. For heaven's sake, DO NOT RUIN YOUR LIFE over this guy!
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A
male
reader, 2old4this +, writes (25 July 2011):
 He is happy because he does whatever he wants to do and he still has the things he wants. He lost his job but he has another. Apparently he still has you when he wants. He gets to do drugs, get with other women, party with friends, and when he feels like it, gets to talk to you. Love is great but has to go both ways. Let him go. You will be unhappy for a while but you will be ok and move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2011): He is 'happy' because he is not sitting around thinking about you or the other regrets in his life. He has other diversions and is doing what he wants to do.
It's not that he was a great guy who made you a priority then changed over time. You never were a priority for him. In the beginning you were new and fun, and like the drugs, an escape from his troubles. You didn't interfere with his other hobbies, you didn't ask questions and you overlooked his flaws.
When you decided to build a life together you had expectations of him (as you should). That is when you became part of his troubles instead of a diversion from them. You began asking questions, catching him in lies and interfering with his hobbies.
Sending him a message about how you feel was a mistake in my opinion. He would have to care about something beyond himself for it to make any difference. You could have written it in Sanskrit for all the good it will do. Please don't do it again.
The difference between himself and you is he doesn't face grief. He doesn't stop to take personal inventory and reflect upon his mistakes. He avoids unpleasantness by escaping into drugs, women or other vices.
Next time you feel compelled to share your feelings, do it in a journal or with a trusted friend. Don't set yourself up for more heartache by trying to appeal to his better nature.
There are no short cuts to overcoming unhappiness. While you're sad, you do things that will make you happy until eventually it starts to work and then you will be happy.
You will get over him if you allow yourself the time and space to do so.
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