A
female
age
30-35,
*nonem
writes:I have posted about this particular man some years back. I met this European man on a dating website. For almost 4 years of whatsapp messages, we have only video called on Skype twice, the first video call was both our ideas and the second video call I was literally almost begging for it because I liked him a lot and thought we had a connection.Everyother time I brought it up that we should video call or voice call. He said no. And i had no reason to get upset because he doesnt want to. I blocked him on skype and whatsapp in April of 2018 because I realized how badly treated I was. I unblocked him (usually unblock people after some months) and I was flooded with messages. I didn't feel anything for him when I saw those messages but somehow he cast a spell on me and I was back to whatsapp chatting again. We've had explosive arguments in the past where he always had the upper hand and I had to apologize but recently I'm the one who has the upper hand now and he has to apologize.I need someone to tell me I'm not crazy because if we plan to see if we want to be in a relationship, we don't even know what we sound like because he will never call me. I was always the one calling him and he never picked. He would just say I saw your call.I am going to be 26 years old. I live in the US. He is 41 and he lives in Denmark. Since march 2016, it's been whatsapp chat and nothing else. I've tried to cut him off. I don't want to block him. I told him i was done. It took me a few dates to realize there were men who will call me, take me out and treat me nice. I never asked him for anything but never will understand why we don't speak on the phone. I've asked him and brought it up but he never answers.He has been very lackadaisical about travelling to the US to visit. He then sends a text one day saying he's getting old. He would like a road trip with me but he would prefer I come to Denmark. I said I couldn't travel at the moment. He's financially better off than i am. He takes vacations to different countries every year but it has taken him almost 4 years to make up his mind to visit me. He even went on dates with other women in the countries he went to and told me. He has a thing for Asian women. I went on dates too and told him about it and he goes mad and say no point in us meeting. I told him we have made no commitment to eachother. I lashed out at him and apologized not for what I said but because I dropped the F bomb a few times. I am at my wits end. I've told him i dont want to see him or meet him anymore but he has this devilish way of saying I really like you now blah blah. He is also upset I chatted to another European man from the same website and that one bought his ticket to come see me in the US but I backed out. I told him i compared him to this man and this other man treated me better. He went mad and says he has really enjoyed talking with me more like he wishes me the best. I already forgot him in 2018 but when he kept checking on me I thought why not see if this works out but it's been the same bs.I'm not asking this if I should speak to him or not. My mind is done with him. I just want to know if I'm still sane because he made me feel like I'm crazy or asking too much. He has never called me on the phone before. Is this normal. A part of me will always like him, I won't deny it because I always saw a potential for a great relationship between us but this utter disregard, I won't deal with. Please tell me I'm sane.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (1 May 2019):
 He could be talking to an American because he's fed up and done with European women. It seems like distance serves a purpose in masking unknown issues. You cannot use this Danish guy as an example that he's more mature than American men. His conversations with you were as childish as can be. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting the same result. You have this non committal guy who's playing mind games with you, then go back and forth over whether this has potential or is it just friendship, while you have been dating other men at the same time.
You want someone mature, reliable, clean, fine. Just don't continue the same path with a guy that's futile for 4 years. As soon as you see bullshit such as not wanting to talk on the phone, you drop him. Staying in contact with him because Americans are immature is the most ridiculous reason ever. Who cares if he likes you in a devilish way.
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (1 May 2019):
 ‘My actual question was is it too much to ask for a call from someone you intend to have a relationship with?’
Your post was awfully long winded if that’s all you wanted to know.
Here’s the answer: No
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (1 May 2019):
 OP, you can’t be friends with this 41 year old. He doesn’t want friendship; he wants an ego boost from someone in another country whom he won’t need to commit to. That’s why you should block him. No friendship attempts or you’re still on the hook. You were right not to move in with the other guy, but you also shouldn’t have encouraged him to the point where he bought a ticket and you cancelled.
As for European men, find a local one. Also, “tend to mature faster” is subjective and you’ve gone after older men anyway. Find someone a few years older, not 10+ years older. You’re not that mature yourself yet, in the way of social/dating, or you wouldn’t have clung to this online fantasy relationship.
Yes, it’s reasonable to want calls from someone you’re with, but it was not reasonable to expect it from this guy. There ARE local guys who will suit you and some may even be European (Europe is big enough that “European men tend to mature quicker” is too much of a generalisation). Stop looking in the wrong places and enjoy what a real, in-person relationship can give you.
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A
female
reader, anonem +, writes (29 April 2019):
anonem is verified as being by the original poster of the question So nobody really answered my question here. My actual question was is it too much to ask for a call from someone you intend to have a relationship with? I only ask this because I read articles online where people said they experienced the same thing and their relationship worked out. Let me clarify that every comment or response to my question is completely inaccurate. I was speaking to the other European man who was ready to meet me the same time as I was speaking to the Danish man. I met them online the same time. And he was more serious and forthcoming but because he wanted me to move in immediately less than a year to Europe after we met, I couldn't. I do notz lack in the look department. And i have been on dates with other men in real life. I'm not scared of intimacy. I've just been in the roller coaster of the men I met and liked didnt like me and the ones i didn't like we're crazy about me. I just cannot bring myself to date a man I do not like because he treats me nice. Also I wouldn't date a man that disrespects me. I stated it manytimes in my post that I do not intend to have anything to do with this man. My eyes have been open since April 2018. And i made it clear that I am open to only friendship. Along the line, he slipped from staying friends to asking to visit me. I never asked him to. I am done. I told him he would be visiting as a friend and nothing more but he said otherwise. There's no fantasy here, unlike American man who take ages to mature mentally, European men tend to mature faster. I like what I like. I have always been attracted to European men all my life. Besides I never paid attention to the time we spent whatsapping because I have been in relationships and dated men in this period and sometimes I didn't speak to him for months. I only had to step back when he kept popping up and calculate how many years. There's no point blocking him. It won't change anything in my book. I do not intend anything with him. I just ignore him.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (29 April 2019):
OP, this is silly. He won’t even speak to you on the phone regularly, so what makes you think he’d come to visit you?! If he did, it would be for sex, nothing more.
I’m sorry that this will hurt, but you need to stop being naive and block him PERMANENTLY. He’s a 41 year old man who has charmed a younger woman because most women his age won’t bother with him. They’ll see through his treatment and find someone else.
Unless for an exceptional reason (ill family, finances, military, etc.), long distance relationships need to be closed by 2 years - potentially 3, provided you’ve visited a couple of times a year for a few weeks at a time (or more times a year for fewer consecutive weeks, etc.).
You KNOW there are guys who will treat you better, but you choose an older guy who doesn’t actually give a crap. You’re his online plaything giving him an ego boost because he keeps you hooked with invisible bait.
I’ve been in a long distance relationship and they can work, but not like this. Do yourself a favour and don’t waste any more of your life on him - you’ll regret it if you do. It is NOT sane to think you’ll always like him a bit or to have seen a potential future with him. It’s naive and “crazy”. How will you have a healthy relationship if you see a good future with dodgy guys like this one? Stay single for 3 - 6 months, then go on dates with LOCAL people.
You aren’t capable of distinguishing good guys and dodgy ones right now, so no more long distance. Long distance is fantasy if not backed up in real life - that means more than just a dreamy man from another country flying out to see you and making you feel special. Local guys can do the same thing without all of the expenses and time apart.
So, ultimately, OP, your situation has not been “sane”. You have been charmed and were naive enough to let it go on for so long. Learn from it and you will have a few successful LOCAL relationships in your future :)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2019): I'm sorry, but I have to agree with the other posters that this is one of the most childish and crazy posts I have read on this site. You have spoke to him TWICE in four years, on of which you had begged for, and he NEVER calls. I am extremely puzzled as to why he has not blocked you yet. He is NOT INTERESTED! Please, get a grip, and MOVE ON.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 April 2019):
 I have to agree, you are not "sane".
(and I don't mean that in a medical or clinical way, but in a COMMON SENSE way)
I think YOU on purpose talk to men who lives SO far away that a REAL relationship is impossible. And NO, you CAN NOT maintain a healthy AND real relationship over an app/skype or whatever tech. TO build a healthy relationship you NEED to spend time IN PERSON with the other person.
You choose European men because it won't go anywhere. It's a nice fantasy, some of them even long term. Why do you do it? Not sure, maybe because it give you the FEELINGS of being "loved", "admired" and having someone to talk to and to create some drama with, because regardless of what you say... YOU do enjoy the drama. If you didn't, you would be done with the ridiculousness and BLOCK this dude. And you would have done it WAY earlier.
But no, you block and unblock - like a teenager. Because that way you can "punish him" with silence and then unblock for the ensuing drama and "making up" phase.
If you REALLY would like a BF and partner in life, get off all your apps and go out and MEET people. People that LIVE close enough to you that you can see each other daily (down the line).
You complain that HE hasn't visited you... well, YOU haven't visited him either... have you? And the "well, he has more money" is the dumbest excuse I have heard. My husband of 20+ years and I met in the US and consequently traveled back and forth to see each other. Yes, I made more money and DID travel to the US to see him more than he was able to travel to see me. After about 18 months we made plan for how we could BE together in the SAME geographical location. And then we set about making that plan reality. And we had PLENTY of "complications" that life threw at us and we still made it work.
And then when you DO have a guy who wants to meet you, you back out? Again with the drama! It's because it was the "wrong" guy. You USED that guy to make The 40 year old man child jealous.
GROW up!
Figure out what you WANT. DO you want a pen-pal who doesn't treat you right and WASTE your youth on that?
OR do you find a life partner?
If you want the first, keep doing what you are doing...
If you want the latter, GET off the darn apps, block all these men from FAR away places and FIND someone close by to get to know and perhaps build a future with.
He isn't the one making you crazy. YOU are creating HALF the drama and insanity.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (29 April 2019):
I’m sorry but this is ridiculous. You sound like children, 26 and 41? You must be kidding, this is one of the most childish things I’ve read on this site to date.
HOW could you let this go on for 4 YEARS?! You thought you had a connection? What?? The guy wouldn’t even video call you, how could you possibly think you had a connection? You’re strangers, you know nothing about each other, you’ve never even heard each other’s voice, how could you think there was something there? You’re arguing with each other when you’d never even met in person, does that honestly sound like the foundations of a potential relationship? This sounds like a train wreck.
So you speak to a new guy, this new guy ACTUALLY makes effort to come and see you then YOU back out and tell him that this other guy treated you better?? What? Am I reading this correctly? A guy comes along and wants to meet you but somehow a lazy guy who hasn’t made any effort in 4 years ‘treats you better’? That makes literally no sense. If you don’t like someone enough why would you make them plan a trip to meet you then change your mind? That’s pretty selfish, clearly using this guy to try and get over the other.
You both sound as bad as each other, attracted to drama. Give your head a wobble and get back in the real world. Build relationships with people you can MEET in person. Why waste your time speaking to someone you’re never going to see? ‘I don’t want to block him’ That right there tells me you’re enjoying this, you love the commotion it’s caused. Any person that is truly done with a situation would block and remove the offender from their life to get over them, the very fact that you’re saying you don’t want to do that proves you like the drama.
Block him and move on with your life. Quit the childish games.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (29 April 2019):
 NO! THis is not normal! Why are you wasting years of your life in a pretend fantasy with this guy?? There is no hope, no future, no reality, no time to screw around, and you must be a masochist to allow your looks and vitality to be spent in a pretend "relationship" with some older guy who doesn't and will never care about you.
There are LOCAL guys who actually LIVE near you in the US to date, talk to, and build a relationship with. How stupid is it to nurse and indulge drama with some guy overseas?? Of COURSE he doesn't want to go to see you. No effort, and you'll throw yourself at him and give him sex anyways! He wins!!
Cut your losses and quit this nonsense! It *IS* crazy and not normal in the slightest. 4 years?? FOUR YEARS?!???! That's beyond ridiculous. You should have dropped him after 4 MONTHS! What is the matter with you?? ARe you afraid you don't have the looks to attract a guy locally?? Let me tell you something Lady -- your looks are about to hit the damn wall! The older you get, the less good you look. It's a fact of life! You will leave the vital family-building years and become used up, and then how will you justify wasting all that time??
If you're already "explosive fighting" with someone long-distance, shouldn't that break through that this guy is a time waster?? YES? NO?? MAYBE?? Jesus, you act like you have all the time in the world, and you do Not. Your time is running short. Very very short.
STOP talking to European men and wasting time. If you have this bad of intimacy issues, you should speak to a counselor and find out why you are so terrified of getting into actual attainable relationships, because that is your real problem -- you're scared of true intimacy, and you prefer to be a fictional romance novel, reading your relationships from texts rather than real flesh and blood where things are actually expected of you.
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A
female
reader, ConfusedCarrie84 +, writes (29 April 2019):
How on earth did you spend so much time on this loser? He only spoke to you through text for an ego boost then played with your feelings because he could.
Stop being foolish and giving this guy anymore of your time.
He is probably married with kids, hence the no video calling or phone calls. Did that ever cross your mind? Never look for potential, it rarely escalates into anything good. See a man for who he is today. Use that to go forward and use it to get yourself a better, respectbale man who wants to spend time with you.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2019): Hmm .. I think when you start anything like this you have to remember it's just pen friends really . You may meet and have a connection or there may physically be nothing. You could losing track and wanting more of someone you hardly know ..you only have the fantasy of what you want. I would say try and look at him as a friend. Enjoy the chats without romance being attached but I don't think you can do that ..
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