A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Well, my boyfriend and I have been dating 20 months. He said God brought us together but this relationship has been emotionally draining. He has such a quit temper that even when I say things that are right I'm still wrong. He is not a person that puts his hands on you but he goes off with his mouth and some of the things he gets angry about don't even make sense. Today he was painting my bedroom. When I came home he was waiting to see if I liked it. I told him that I didn't like the color but I was going to deal with it because I let him pick it out. I told him he was a good painter. He told me to remember that I said that when he was done. He said that because he says it will look good after decorations. I said I know that but we have to spend more money. I'm not stingy but I like to take care of what's important first and when he misuses money I have to take care of things. Anyway I told him I was going to put something down on the floor so that if paint fell on the floor it would be protected. He got mad and said nothing needed to be on the floor because we were getting new carpet. I told him I still wanted to put something down because I didn't know when we would have money to replace the carpet. I told him a little paint was on the floor so I wanted to put something down. He stormed out of the room and said he wasn't going to paint and that I came home starting something. He told me to paint it myself. He also said he didn't like the person I was. I really didn't see what the big deal was because what I wanted to do wasn't hurting me or him. He was very loud and angry. There have been many times when he's gotten angry at things that I feel shouldn't make a person angry. Once he stayed over at my home. I work 12 hour shifts so when I got off work I wanted to take him home so I wouldn't have to break my sleep because I had to go back to work that evening. I work midnights. He got mad and didn't say anything to me on the 20 mile ride to his home. He didn't want me to come inside once we got there. Another time he got upset with me because I was telling him I didn't hear the gears changing in a vehicle that we had purchased. He says I'm a negative person. The way he treats me is so embarassing. He lives with me now. He said I had a problem but I really feel he has the problem. We were talking one day about our relationship and when I said I had put more in our relationship than any other he got mad and said maybe I need to go back and date the other guys that dated. I didn't understand why he said that. If I'm wrong fine I will admit it but in these situation I really can't see any wrong. Whenever we disagree he always digs up everything that has ever made him mad. I prefer to deal with the problem at hand. How do I deal with this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2019): Typo corrections:
"He's the wrong guy, and moving-in together was not a great idea!"
"If you push certain male-types, their emotional-responses come-out either in the form of anger; or some guys will just shut-down."
"Mainly because people, for the most part, aren't taught how to use tact. Nor how to negotiate; or how to use interactive-skills as kids."
"If you can't talk or reason without a clash; I think the relationship has run its course."
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2019): Couple's quarrels are a very common topic here at DC. Be it between spouses, dating couples, or gay-couples. The common element that causes so much disagreement is incompatibility; and inability to effectively communicate. People see red-flags early-on in their relationships; but dismiss them until what started as small quibbles grow into battles. There are strong verbal-exchanges, and heated argument bordering on violence. Two personalities that never seem to get along outside the bedroom; or when partying together.
The problems arise when one party persists at trying to force the other to "surrender" into agreement. Either through manipulation, or intimidation. Even sex or bribery will be used to get their way! That causes resentment, and pent-up hostilities that fester below the surface.
Battling becomes a daily-routine in some relationships. Two highly-competitive spirits! Everyone wants to be right! I don't believe in "agreeing to disagree." You have to settle the issue like adults. My dad used to say "if you can't stop-it, drop-it! Change the subject, make peace, and let the tensions diffuse.
If you're at an impasse, agree to discuss it later with cooler heads. Do that, or bury it once and for all! Never to come-up again! It's a bone of contention, and it's not worth destroying your relationship over. We can't agree on everything! We all have our own set of values, and some opinions are not up for debate. It is what it is!
Some people feel that if you disagree, you don't really love them. Some people don't know when to stop prodding, or instigating; when the best move is to just back-off. Test the mood, the atmosphere, and make a judgement-call.
We live in a technological-era when people can't take constructive-criticism. They take everything that isn't a compliment as a personal-attack. They have deep-seated issues, insecurities, or temper-management issues that go unchecked; so trying to compromise, or reach common-ground isn't really possible. You've burned a bridge, and that's that!
Those kind of people refuse to forgive, or just call a truce. Instead, they'll keep picking and trading barbs or insults; until the argument goes out of control. Tempers flare, and words come-out in anger that you can't take-back. Those hurtful words take permanent-residence in your memory. Then you can no longer return to normalcy, or find harmony; because an argument caused permanent-damage to the relationship.
This is so common. Mainly because people, for the most part, aren't taught how to use tact, to negotiate, or how to use interactive-skills as kids. Society is losing the ability to speak to each other with respect or civility. Filters are absent, and letting your temper fly seems okay.
Even our leadership sets a terrible example! Sitting in a position of authority offers a wide platform. Such influence is worldwide and has very serious impact on the way people communicate and behave. The asshats are always looking for a platform; or reason to crawl out of the woodwork.
That sets the tone or social-trend of communication towards talking to people like you're a drunken-maniac on a street-corner, spoiling for a fight. Yelling, swearing, and name-calling. Refusing to back-down; until a small exchange of words becomes a shouting-match. I see it everyday! The sad part is, people behave this way at home! Around their children!
You ignored your warning-signals and red-flags at the start of your relationship; because you wanted a boyfriend.
You thought you could workout the bugs and kinks as you go. You thought you could "change" him with love. You dismissed times in the early beginning when he raised his voice and overreacted to small issues. You wanted a man, so you figured that's just manly-behavior. Well, it persisted! It's probably gotten even worse; until you can now see it for what it is. He's the wrong guy, and moving-in together what not a great idea!
He doesn't like talking about the relationship; because most men don't. It's usually an opening to the discussion of what "he's" doing wrong. Men don't openly express our feelings or emotions; and we bottle them up, or internalize them. If you push certain male-types, they're emotional-responses come-out either in the form of anger; or some guys will just shut-down. They'll become distant and will avoid you. They walk-away, or avoid discussion like the plague; even if they ARE the problem! Compromise is not in their vocabulary!
The painting-argument makes no sense. Why would you let him choose a color, start painting; and then say you don't like the color? Throw gasoline on the candle why don't you?!! He's in the process of painting, you walk-in, and start at it??? Seriously?!! You're tired, and looking for someone to takeout your frustrations on. He was the closest-target. He's touchy to begin with!
You won't see it that way. You were "expressing your opinion" or "showing your feelings." The timing was bad! He was in the middle of a tedious chore he probably didn't want to do anyway. Then he's met with a complaint! Look at it from both point's of view, my dear.
He's a ticking time-bomb; but you thought you were able to "handle him." You train pets and tame animals, not people. We have distinct personalities; and we can be judged by our character and reputation. Our behavior is who we are, and if you see too many flaws or potential points of incompatibility; you don't commit...YOU FLEE!
If you can't talk or reason without a clash; I think the relationship has run it's course. Moving-in together seems the most illogical thing to do; when you can't carry-on a civil conversation. You can't have a disagreement without it flying off the handle. If you always have to give-in to make the peace; that's not a relationship. It's being held as an emotional-hostage. You don't stay, you leave!
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (2 May 2019):
You deal with this emotionally abusive gaslighting creep by dumping him. Unless you want to spend the rest of your life walking on eggshells. If the thought of a lifetime of that doesn’t bother you stay with him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 May 2019):
 How compatible do you feel you REALLY are?
You have been together for 20 months and fight like it's ALL about being right, not finding a solution.
You really CAN NOT dictate HOW he feels or how you THINK he should feel. HE isn't you. He has a different World View due to a different upbringing and experiences than you. You know the saying about opinions, right? EVERYONE has one. Even if it's a dumb-bum opinion! And everyone has the "right" to HAVE their own opinions, just like YOU have the right to have YOUR opinions too.
Sometimes when living with someone you find out IF it's a person you can build a future with, or not.
Why WOULD you let him pick a color for your bedroom? Why not talk about that BEFORE anyone picks a color so you BOTH agree on it? Instead of feeling YOU have to be HONEST and BLUNT and tell him you dislike the color but you will suck it up? It makes no sense. It's like you were giving him ROPE to hand himself when he obviously was trying to do something nice for you.
I think you BOTH have a LOT of growing up to do and things to learn about relationships, INCLUDING how to fight fair, how to compromise and COMMUNICATE. You two talk PAST each other and it results in arguments over ridiculous things.
Life isn't about BEING right. It's about being a good person and doing the right thing.
You write:" The way he treats me is so embarrassing." So maybe YOU need to consider he isn't right right GUY for you.
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