A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have written here in the past because my husband was going through some very troubled times. I thought I had been living with an alcoholic only to recently find out he has borderline personality disorder which caused his erratic impulsive behavior over the past few years. I loved him, but became exhausted from taking care of him and trying to care for my children. I never knew what I was going to get, and when he had episodes they were horribly violent and out of control, but for 25 days of the month he was my best friend. I was so strained in my emotional state of being that I landed up having an affair with my son's single teacher. We had a friendship grow throughout the year which then turned intimate. I put a stop to it because of course, I worried about my husband and children...and the teacher. Even though I finally felt like myself again after feeling lost for almost 3 years, I realized I was not in a position to think of myself. So I committed to trying to make my family work. My husband never found out, and we continued down the same path--25 days good-- 4-5 days horrible. Well, a month ago he hung himself in the bathroom. He had been hospitalized all weekend then put on a new mood stabilizer-- came home. He seemed fine, went upstairs and hung himself. I found him a few hours later. It is so tragic and I am so sad. I now better understand that his behavior was impulsive and nothing he had control over, but I miss the man I had for 25 days of the month. The issue now is that the teacher is also struggling because he never stopped caring for me. He stopped by and I think because I was so upset and distraught I let him kiss me intimately. I found myself wanting to be with him for that moment, but he held back saying it wasn't the right time. I know it wasn't, but I just felt like I needed him right then and he walked away. Is it wrong for me to have felt that way? I am struggling with guilt over still having feelings for this man, but also loving the man I lost. I felt like I did love 2 men at once, but that is said to be impossible. I just want to know how long before I feel whole again?
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (2 April 2010):
 Yea!!! Exactly what Trisha just said... I'm not great with comforting words, but that's exactly what you should do...
Embrace life, they are people out there who love you or can understand your pain and they will help and support you.. :)
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 April 2010):
 You are human, you needed human contact and wanted to be with the man you feel strongly about. You felt rejected. That is only natural. Stop beating yourself up for having normal feelings. Stop trying to answer life's big questions right now. There are no good answers.
You will feel whole again one day, probably not tomorrow, and not next week, but probably sooner than you think, if you take care of yourself now. One day, you will wake up and suddenly realize that you are looking forward to the day, that you have so much to enjoy and experience, that life is good, despite all the bad that has happened in the past.
Now, what you need to do is to get yourself some support. Your friends, your family, grief support groups, counseling if needed (I think it might be), gather all the support and strength you need, ASK for help, and then accept it when it is offered. Including this friend, the teacher. Acknowledge that what you felt for him was real and valid and normal. Just recognize that you're not in the best of shape right now and it's probably not a good idea to start something. Perhaps in the future you can entertain that idea, but for now, admit that you have these feelings, then set them aside. Don't bury them, don't deny them, just accept that they are there.
I would highly recommend some yoga or meditation classes right now for you too. Find a good yoga studio with gentle yoga classes and get yourself in there at least once a week.
Watch your nutrition and alcohol intake. Be very very judicious with the foods you are eating and make healthy choices right now. You are so vulnerable that eating poorly may set up a cycle of illness and physical weakness, and you can't afford that right now.
There is a wonderful website that helps people provide assistance to those in need by setting a calendar where people can sign up to bring over meals and mow lawns and chauffeur children and watch the baby and whatever it is you need to get through this really rough patch. ASK for that help, you deserve it, and someday, you'll be in a position to pay it forward, when you can help someone else in need. http://www.carecalendar.org/ It's a free service but they do ask for donations if people can afford them. I found it highly useful when my sister was going through cancer treatments, and we have used in in my neighborhood when people have had traumatic bereavements like yours.
The way your husband died may result in people not knowing what to say, so they wind up staying away. It's annoying but you may have to reach out to them. If you want company, you may have to ask for it. We had a similar situation here and people avoided the bereaved because they had no clue what to say or do. I am not shy nor am do I have any reluctance to talk to people in these situations, so I was one of the few who actually did reach out to them. If your phone isn't ringing, it's not because people don't care, it's because they are awkward and uncertain. Forgive them this, and reach out to help yourself.
Go find a good grief support group, I think people often don't realize how much pain they are in and how much being with people who have gone through the same thing can help.
I hope you can celebrate what you had, and I mourn for your double loss. You will eventually find your new 'normal', sad though it is you have to go through this.
All my best wishes to you.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (2 April 2010):
You loved and had to loose your man many times.. first to alcohol, then to mental illness, and lastly to death...
Life is too short, grab happiness when you can. Your husband loved you, but he was trapped by his illness and his own daemons (Greek for demons), he was not healthy enough to make you happy. I doubt that he would want to cause you any more unhappiness... grab life, grab happiness and know that the good part of your husband would be happy for you today..
So sorry, you had it tough, you lost a friend even as you lost a burden... leave guilt until you are dead, please try to be happy here on earth.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (1 April 2010):
I am sorry for your loss and I'm sure you're hurting a lot because of your loss. It is very hard to lose someone, even if they were not always happy. Your husband was impulsive, and made decisions erratically and without all the thought it needed.
The man you like who is still alive, the teacher, made the right decision. I know you feel as if you needed him, and you're right, you did. But what you needed was a good friend, not a man you would have ended up having sex with. And he knew that. He would have felt appallingly guilty if he'd done anything with you, and you may have ended up feeling used. Right now, you need to focus on yourself. It will take you time, and there is no number anyone can give. But if you focus on yourself, and avoid getting involved with anyone else at the moment so you have time to come to terms with all that has happened, you will feel whole again.
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