| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Please don't call me shallow or vain. I feel very ugly and unattractive. The problem is I was never told I was beautiful, I was even teased because I was ugly! One guy eve told me to get plastic surgery once! This was back when I was in school. I was never asked on dates. I was always rejected when I liked a guy. I never had to turn anyone down because no one ever liked me. They all liked my pretty friends.Now I'm 20 years old and I love my boyfriend. He's good looking. His exes were all beautiful. He always had beautiful girls chasing after him (even while we've been dating) and he has turned down many beautiful girls in his life.I feel so jealous over this. I never got to turn anyone down and I feel insecure because of course he knows what it's like to be liked, to have people hitting on you and stuff. No one can relate to me, because all my friends are pretty also and they turn down guys all the time. I feel like I've missed out on these experiences, because I was always the rejected one. Ugh, and when people start talking about how beautiful my sister is! And all the guys she's turned down, and all the attention she gets... and how people compare us.I also hate that everytime I listen to guys talking to their friends all they seem to focus on is if a girl is hot, how big her parts are, etc. Like nothing else matters. Oh, and the fact that guys are kind of "allowed" by society to be normal looking, not to take special care of how they look... because a lot of ugly guys judge girls on appearance and won't even approach a less attractive girl, and they even hook up with "hotties", like a girl HAS TO be attractive to get a guy, yet a guy can be ulgy and still have girlfriends!I feel so ugly, I have this problem that genetically I have less hair than most girls, so it looks stupid if I try to wear an up-do. Also because my body is disproportioned, I'm not fat, but I'm disproportioned, I have to pluck my eyebrows all the time because they're busgy and my face isn't feminine enough. I hate the way I look and I'm desperate because I can't do anything to fix it. And please don't say "Oh, I'm sure you're beautiful" because I'm not, guys don't even look at me twice, they don't flirt with me, they don't check me out, they don't hit on me, I have never turned anyone down!... it's unfair because my boyfriend gets a lot of attention from other girls. Sure, he's faithful and he loves me but please also don't say "He could have any beautiful girl, but still he chose you, he's with you!" or "You have many other qualities to compensate" because that makes me feel even uglier!What can I do? I wish I was a guy, that way it wouldn't matter how I looked because no one would care. And I hate his exes they're all gorgeous, perfect bodies and all... everyone around me is prettier, damn, I'm crying now! I hate that people expect girls to be beautiful to have any worth. Sure I could become an accomplished scietntist or whatever, 'cause I'm smart, but I also want to have a fulfilling love life, to feel beautiful and special and have a beautiful family. Looks aren't everything, but no one wants to feel like a monster!Sorry I had to vent I feel so awful and my boyfriend is tired of me complaining about how I feel ugly and also he gets mad at me if I mention that he gets to turn down many girls, and I have never turned anyone down... he thinks I want to have other guys or some crazy idea like that. But I don't, I just want to feel beautiful. wehn we're around beautiful girls, I know he thinks they're prettier, duh, he's not blind nor stupid. I hate feeling like that.What on Earth can I do?!
View related questions:
flirt, his ex, insecure, jealous Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2009): Dear anonymous,I too have struggled with the issue of feeling unattractive for many years. In high school, I had a stye on my eye for two years and extreme acne for just as long. Doctors could not help me, and eventually I became accustomed to the hurtful things the other students in high school would say to me. I never dated boys because they did not want me. I have the same issue as you, my boyfriend is good looking and has had several girlfriends and I am very jealous because I felt threatened too I still do sometimes and I think every girl does at some point. Talk to someone, weather a friend or a professional who can help you see that you are beautiful. Perception plays a big role like another reader said. I know how hurtful it can be to feel ugly, and unworthy. Many psychological problems can accompany this. To a more immediate level it can break a relationships that is good. Many people do not understand, I had the the same problem too. They think you overreact, and they just downright don't want to deal with your problems. It's hard to get your self-esteem up, talk to someone please.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2009): Well you know I'm a senior in high school and I've never been asked out on a date, no guy looks at me twice, and no one flirts with me.
However, I am okay looking. I mean I'm average,in the middle ( I hope).In my school however(private with kids who have lots of money and I don't really although it doesn't show), many girl are beautiful ( a lot of money to take care of yourself helps some of them sometimes) and that may be why I am left out.
But recently, My very good friend has a guy she's interested in and it's mutual. I would say in terms of looks she about where I stand.Although you do have someone and complaining too much will get to him one day and you might put your relationship in danger. Enjoy what you have, good relationships are things we only appreciate after they're gone.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2009): Firstly, i could not agree with you more about how stupid unfair and twisted society is wth the whole females expected to be beautiful and sexy in the hollywood inspired style and looking like anything else makes you feel inadequate and its SO UNFAIR because at least if they make us females suffer why not the males?
I would rant on more... but there isnt really a point.
You see... males cannot truly understand what its like. But dw... their time will come ;) See us females have already been so degraded and abused and suffered so much because of all of this superficial hype that its like... how much worse could it get? Soon there will be a role reversal and guys will start feeling the pressure they never felt before... And dont get me wrong guys I do udnerstand that there is a lot of preesure for guys as well ;) BUT NOT NEARLY AS MUCH AS FOR FEMALES atm.
Secondly, all these comments have been amazing and i hope youve read them all and taken them in properly.
'SyferFire' was a bit harsh and kinda rude- but i have to say i agree with him. Out of all the comments whose did you chose to reply and get offended by but his? You see- though i agree with you about the whole unfair socieity thing- i do not let it get to me like that. Now obviously while you ranted on (which i have nothing against i mean i do it all the time and it makes me feel great!) you were angry- so not totally in the 'sane' mode.
And ranting can be very healthy and good for you- getting all that anger/bitterness/sadness out of your system.
However- what youre doing i feel is going too far. Youre letting these feelings consume you and control you causing you to be in this very unhealthy state of mind whicd drives you to feel this way and then you entertain and feed those bad negative thoughts by mulling around on them and letting them control you. which is BAD.
you need to stop this thinking. posting on here was a good decision ;) Talk to friends. Parents- if you have that kind of closeness. Maybe lay off a bit from your bf.
Take up some hobbies/sport to get out all this sad/angry energy you have. it might sound stupid but trust me- it will make you feel better i gurantee it! ;) Spend time with friends, go to parties! build on all your relationships! youll probably find that heaps of others share this opinion with you and you can have a good healthy fun rant about it with them :D
Another thing... appreciate your bf! You say guys dont like you your not attractive rararar ... BS! Why do you think youve got a bf? Many pretty girls dont... and you just make excuses like aw were just together because were both music nerds there you go putting yourself down you know the media might indirectly do that but that doesnt mean you should as well! and no wonder your bf gets mad id get mad if my significant other kept on going on about how theyre ugly no matter how hard i tried to make them feel special. Try looking at it from his point of view and see how he feels.
Someone who constantly tells people and tells themselves theyre ugly WILL BE UGLY.
Do you wanna be ugly or beautiful?
You wanna be beautiful!
SO be beautiful!
And you ARE beautiful.
You're beautiful ok? And theres nothing you can do to stop that. So start accepting yourself and appreciate your bf and love life!
Be glad your not some terribly disabled retarded poor child slave in a poor country whos parents got tortured and killed in front of them and who got half the skin on their body blown off during war times. there are people like that out there who have the real problems.
anyway... goodluck! ;)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2009): Dear:
This is an issue that afflicts more girls than I can ever count. I know plenty of beautiful girls who were mercilessly teased and ignored when they were young. I mean they are really beautiful, some are models, actresses, and all are just really pretty or attractive girls. You would never, ever think in a million years that they would have had such an experience looking at them and yet they feel horrible about themselves as well. Hearing their stories really shocked me but it shows that women are more powerful than they realize. People tend to reflect back to you how you feel about yourself. That kind of power is scary, owning your own beauty, whatever its form, is probably one of the hardest and scariest things for a girl to do. But owning it is the key. Society has been so harsh on us these past 5,000 years that I understand it's far from easy to do, much less even contemplate.
But I can tell you from personal experience, I've gone through exactly what you have gone through growing up. I did't think I was attractive. But when I owned it, a whole new world opened up. I was finally on the other side. When I was feeling really positive, happy and - can you believe it 'attractive' (yes it's possible) - and genuinely smiled from the inside out, I had attractive and awesome men come up to me and give me that attention you are so craving. They have gushed about my beauty (very weird at first!) and flirted and bent over backwards for me. And when I have felt the way you feel right now I get the total opposite. I've actually had men come up to me for no apparent reason and insult me. And I know how hard it is to feel good, especially when you've had a string of negative experiences. I've been at it for a long time, I'm in my thirties, and I have good weeks and bad weeks. But I can attest to the fact that the glow of happiness and a pleasurable life trumps all. It will get you that 'attention.' When my glow is on, I'm beating them off with a stick, when the glow is off I get nothing.
So how does this help you?
a. You are so not alone. Beautiful girls, average girls, girls in general have gone through the same thing and once they have gotten past it, realised it was not reflective of reality. So your past treatment is in no way an absolute verdict of your current looks. I repeat, your past treatment is in NO way an absolute verdict on your current looks.
b. Concentrating on activities, things and people that help you feel happy is very important, as is taking good care of yourself and dressing in ways that help you feel upbeat and attractive, as it gives you that 'glow.'
c. Feeling low will cause you to do what is called 'signal fail,' meaning that your body language towards guys and people in general will send out either negative or no signals. This is important because it is the GIRL who chooses the guy, not the other way around. Guys subconsciously look for signals from women that show they might be interested before approaching them. If you are not giving out any signals (which I strongly suspect you are doing) or negative signals (which say 'I'm not in any way interested,' even if you are), because you feel low, no matter how pretty you are, you will not get approached. I know many models in NYC who never get approached or rejected even because they signal fail. As a matter of fact you are more likely to get rejected because a guy will subconsciously pick up on the lack of signals and react from the gut. Or he may be sending you subtle signals and gets nothing in return, causing fustration to the point where they subconsciously boil over and act mean, because guys want to be 'picked' too and when they are not they also feel rejected, and thus act mean. (I think this is what Skylar may have tried to express). Men are not that complicated. It's scary, but a lot of what they do is gut/ knee-jerk reaction to your signals or lack there of. Signals incorporate how you carry yourself, your facial expressions, how well you take care of yourself, your level of comfort around others, body language, eye contact and how or if you speak to others, and the amount you genuinely smile (the most important!). I suspect you don't often smile, as it is next to impossible to do when you feel this way. Think back to your initial contact with your current boyfriend. Did you meet him in a context where you were feeling really good that day, did you feel comfortable around him where you smiled and were able to have a good time around him because you weren't so self-conscious? You might have been positive signalling and didn't even know it.
The point is, it's highly unlikely your looks are the problem but your signalling (or lack of it) that is the issue here. It's a very powerful process that is often overlooked and can cause these aforementioned issues and thus make one feel unattractive.
d. Get comfortable with flirting, and by flirting I mean making others around you, through communication, feel good about themselves. Think of cooing at a baby to get her to smile. It's that kind of flirting I am talking about. Flirting is not a sexual, that's only an itty bitty part of flirting. If you feel good, it's much easier to flirt and flirting helps you feel good because it elicits positive responses from others. It's a happy circle!
d. How else to feel good? heck, how to get the flirting thing down in the first place? I strongly suggest you pick up Mama Gena's books and visit her site (google Mama Gena). Her class can change your life. I've seen it transform women from feeling the way you do to the total opposite. Far better than any therapy or anything else I have come across, but you have to be ready for it. It can be intense. However, her books are a great start. They are a fun read and there is definitely a method to her madness.
Cheers,
Cynthia
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2009): i know exactly what you feel like. i have always felt too fat or unnatractive especially when you're standing next to skinny attractive girls, i mean it just makes you feel even uglier. but these days i learn that its not just about looks anymore; like i don't try too hard around people. i'm just happy the way i am, fat or skinny
so don't try and put urself down, build up ur confidence, and u'll b alrite xoxo
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2009): On the contrary, I never suggested you were fishing for compliments. In fact, I think your WEAK point is taking compliments. For instance: you take the word "princess" as like this deadly insult. You do know the word princess can have positive connotations right? And yet, what came to your mind? All the negative aspects you could muster.
And you are very disillusioned if you think you know what I have and haven't been through. You need to get over what the magazines say you should be like..and the mtv generation says you should be like.. So you will never be like someone on the Real World or in Cosmo... oh boo hoo. I personally find people as narcissistic and emotionally shallow as that sickening anyways, regardless of their outer appearance. You are caught in the hype. Just let it GO.
And yes, you have been offered solutions, but did any of them change how you look at yourself in the mirror everyday? I'm going to bet a big fat "no" on that one. Seriously if you think differently of yourself from reading any of this, I will offer you the most sincere apology.
At the end of the day, you had all these wonderful responses and you went right to mine. Why? because you need someone to confront your negative behavior of thought head on.. Not cajole..not weedle, not plead or reason with. But to confront.
That really should be your bf's job, but he's probably being more diplomatic with you because he doesn't want to alienate you. Whereas, I don't care. So...you're welcome.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2009): To SyferFire:
Princess? Ok, so you think I wrote this only so I could get attention? No, I didn't... I'm not one of those pretty girls who often fish for compliments. I'm hardly a princess, you know. I'm not a demanding girl who wants everyone to do her way. I'm not walking over other people all the time. I try to develop my talents, and you know what I often hear from other people? That I'm too humble! I like helping people and I usually volunteer when I have time. I'm hardly a "princess" fishing for compliments.
Sadly, what I feel is real. The problem with you is that you don't get it, because you've never been endlessly teased or ignored. Girls are pressured to be attractive like guys are pressured to have money. You can work to get money. You can't help how you look. That's the difference. No other guy has ever liked me, I would have noticed. As a matter of fact, I know rejection too well. Plus no guys ever approached me. Only my boyfriend. But that was after countless rejections. And probably only because I'm a music nerd and so is he.
But I guess I'll just go off to wallow because that's all I do, wallow... I didn't come here asking for a solution. Oh really? Then how come other posters were indeed helpful and offered some solutions?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2009): Beauty is 10% nature gave us and 90% work.So make a conclusion from that what to do - work on yourself, spend money on what you wear,on salons,on fitness, on makeup and so on.It's mostly about taking care of yourself.Things that cant be covered by all that can be repaired by surgery.For many people looking good costs a lot of money and time,there are very few who look good just from nature.I have seen very ugly girls turning into gorgeous ladies, and seen very beautiful girls becoming ugly as hell.
And the main thing be confident,never say you are ugly,especially to your boyfriend.Just set becoming beautiful as a goal and accomplish that.This is real.And I really know what I am talking about.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2009): What do you want us to say???
Seriously, what do you want us to say? That you are right? Fine, here's your affirmation. You are the ugliest girl in the world. You are uglier than William Hung's and Jar Jar Binks's love child. Happy?
You didn't come on here for any solutions. You came on here to wallow in your sorrow. So... wallow. In fact, I bet you've been so busy wallowing over the years that you haven't even noticed when a guy liked you! And I GUARANTEE you it has happened.
You said yourself if someone says you are beautiful or have other qualities, or have a bf at least, then that just makes you feel uglier. So what on God's Green Earth are you expecting us to say?
Just aggravating.. Just live your life, princess.
...............................
A
female
reader, justme..x  +, writes (17 April 2009):
 Hey :)
Aww, my heart honestly goes out to you on reading this, 'cause I can feel your hurt and I completely get where you're coming from.
Although it's hard because you are surrounded by girls who you say are more beautiful than you, you need to get your self-esteem up. Try thinking of all the good things about you. If this is hard, get your boyfriend, friends and family to help.
This isn't what you want to hear, but it IS more important of what you're like inside than out. You have a lot of friends, and a cute loving boyfriend. This makes me think you have a lot of qualities that make you attractive and a good person who's company is enjoyable.
Anyway, your perception of yourself is often very different from what other people think. If you are staring in the mirror miserably, you just see more and more things that you don't like about yourself. I can pretty much guarentee you that other people won't study you that critically! The things you don't like, other people may not even notice.
You say your b/f gets mad at you if you moan to him about it. He's probably just run out of things to say because you mention it often, and there is probably a twinge of guilt too. You need to talk to someone else besides him and your friends about this, especially if you can't improve your opinion of yourself - your insecurity could make you sink into depression.
I don't know who asked who out between you and your boyfriend, but either way he obviously found you attractive and beautiful enough to love... so I don't think you should be worrying about what the other people think. I'm not saying "appreciate the fact he loves you" because I'm sure you already do, but the cute guy you love loves you back, so don't worry about anyone else's shallow opinion!
I was sorry to hear you got teased about your looks. Although I'm sure you know those people are shallow, nasty, childish and probably insecure, I can empathise that it is almost impossible not to let it bother you! However, that was YEARS ago .... forget it. Move on. Anyway, they might not even think that anymore!
Yeah, I get what you mean about the comparison thing ... I am also often compared to my sister. It can be really hurtful and confidence-knocking. But, it also works in reverse: you have qualities that she doesn't. Try and remind yourself of these when it happens.
I think you should talk to someone about how you're feeling as you're obviously very insecure and hard on yourself. Feel free to message me anytime if you don't have access to a councillor or someone you trust.
Hope this helps ... and Chin up!!
Good luck xxxxxxxxx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2009): This is a problem that runs waaaaaay deep and will be very hard for any of us to help you. We can't tell you that you're beautiful of course, or make you feel better about yourself in any way.
I will suggest however, that when you are out, you don't look at all the girls around you. The more you look at them and compare yourself to them, the more ugly you will feel so just try to focus on other things, like your boyfriend, or the conversation, or your own opinion. If you stand there too long thinking about how ugly you are, then you won't be able to join in the conversation and people may also take you for rude when i'm positive you aren't. You must have an amazing personality to be with your boyfriend, because he did choose to be with you, but you don't want to lose him by constantly bringing up how horrible you feel about yourself. You don't want to start making him feel like there is too much drama that comes with you and he can't handle it. Try to be happy that you are with an amazing guy who is not shallow and has so far put up with behavior that is very difficult for men to put up with. There is non need to be jealous that he has gotten to turn down girls and you haven't gotten to turn down anybody, that's just silly honestly. But, that is the only silly part of what you said.
you're right, everyone does want to feel beautiful, and we need to in order to function on normal esteem. If a girl is snot so attractive, then there are things that can sort of blend that in and make it not so abvious, such as confidence. Even if you don't feel confident, try to act like you are. If you'll notice, these guys that are "allowed" to be unattractive are probably confident themselves. I haven't seen any ugly dorks sitting in corners and talking to nobody because they feel bad about themselves getting any girls or turning anyone down.
I have seen some very ugly girls on cheerleader teams with big shot boyfriends... Just be someone that everyone can like, shone through your outter appearence and don't make it so important. You can also spice up your wardrobe so that people will notice your hot style and not so much what you look like.
There is nothign wrong with plucking your eyebrows, i'm sure almost every girl does it. you might want to get them waxed though, because professionals can probably do a very good job, and wax them to the best looking shape. Go to a hair parlor and ask them if they know anything that can be done with your hair to make it look fuller and more luxorious. They may have some suggestions and be able to do wonders.
Try to look passed your image.. your boyfriend has done this for you so do yourself a favour and join him. Ok? I'm so sorry that you feel this way. It must be hard. I have some pretty major insecurities and a lot of trouble in life because of them, but you sound like you're having an even harder time than i am. Good luck to you, and i REALLY hope that i have helped in some way.
...............................
A
female
reader, niki20  +, writes (17 April 2009):
 being beautiful isnt just looks. you lack self confidence. if you tell yourself you are beautiful in your mind a few times a day youll believe it. sounds like bs but its mind over matter. you have to believe you are beautiful before anyone else can. i got made fun of a lot in school, they made me cry all the time, just tell ypurself there jelious. i have to pluck my eyebrows every single day, they were huge, because im italian. eventually the hairs you pluck everyday will not grow back so much. everyone is beautiful, in there own way. your bf must think you are beautiful, otherwise i dont think he would be with you. remember you jist have to believe in yourself first.
...............................
|
