A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am in a abusive relationship. My boyfriend is a possesive and jelous maniac. He does not let me go out with my friends, he doesnt let me talk to any male friends, he does not let me work in places that any guy will be, he doesnt let me wear alot of makeup, he doesnt let me wear some types of clothing, such as leggings and dresses. He calls me a S*** and a Wh*** if i do any of them things. Once he caught me talking to a male friend and we were in his car and he locked all the doors put me in the back seat and beat me. He slapped me constantly and bruised my two eyes, i had two black eyes, he slapped my ears and banged my head on the side of the car and it cut my ear and bruised it, he ripped my top and scratched me. he pulled my hair out and he contstantly slapped me, this was all for just talking to a male friend. I am stupid for letting him back in my life. it has been a whole year since he has done dat and that was not the first time he had slapped me before that as well. I am just really scared to get out of the relationshop because i know what hes like he threatened my family and i know he will not go down without a fight. I am a muslim girl living in the uk and he is muslim also but my family does not know that i am with him because they will kill me and so any time i have tried to leave him he threatened to show pictures of me to my family and i am really scared of that because i do not want my family finding out they will disown me kill me, i tried to leav him many times but he just threatens me and then i give into him.I do love him and he tels me he loves me, he does some things to show me that he loves me and then that is why give into him. but i am not happy at all in this relationship but i feel there is no way out, he is a maniac and he wil never leav me he has told me he will never leav me and if i ever leav him then he will kill me and ruin my life and my familys.I do not know what to do.I have these thoughts running through my mind of what to do.I know something that he has done wrong which is a serious crime and he got away with it from the police but i have been thinking now to turn him in and that is is the only way i will ever get rid of him. im thinking of doing that but i am scared in case he finds out that i turned him in. can anyone help me, if i turn him in will the poilice tel him that i turned him in i just dont want anyone to find out. i love him loads but i rather put him behind bars than to live the rest of my life in fear of him and to be miserable and unhappy i do not deserve this i am only 19 years old.
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (17 April 2009):
 You are totally right to be seeking help. You are right about everything - what he's doing is not normal, and he shouldn't be doing it. He has a big, big problem, and unfortunately you are caught up in this.
You need to act very carefully. He does sound pretty dangerous. He has crossed some boundaries with you - locking you in the car, beating you, etc, and I don't know what else he has done to you.
I know what you mean about loving him even though he is very very mean and bad to you - but I think you have to cut off these feelings of love and just get away from him.
You need to talk to someone close to you who you can trust. Someone who is intelligent and caring and will understand what is happening. I am all of those things, but I can't do what someone needs to do, which is to come and take charge of the situation.
Has he done anything else apart from what he has done to you? The problem you have is that it will be tricky to get him taken away without him also thinking you have turned on him. Almost your only option, as far as I can see, is to use your family. For example: your dad finds out that he has been seeing you: he forbids the relationship. This way it isn't you who has put an end to it, but your dad. Do you think your boyfriend would accept that? Could your parents talk to his parents?
I know you don't want your parents to know, and I can understand this, because if you can't turn to them for help, it would be dangerous to tell them.
I've looked on the net for you for some kind of support for your situation - try this: http://www.mwrc.org.uk/
it is in Scotland, but there is something there about a helpline and an email address. Tell them about your situation and I am SURE they will know what you should do.
Sweetheart, it is not the first time that someone has found themselves in your situation - for now, you are right, you need to be very calm and quiet, and not tell anybody, and on your own, on the internet, find support and an organisation who deal with this kind of thing, and can sort out your situation.
Please do it quickly. Try the link I showed you. You will get out of this, but you are right - you need help. If you want, you can call me - send me an email and I will reply. I have a very good Muslim friend, very very good, and very kind, and I think she would have ideas about what you can do.
I understand that you feel trapped, but with careful help, we can get you out of this, I am sure.
nx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2009): definately call women's aid-theyre anonymous, just give a fake 1st name and explain your situation- if youve definately decided to leave him you could go to an anonymous shelter- I wouldn't go straight to the police to turn him in, although you could call crimestoppers, I'd still be wary of doing that though , as they say the're anonymous but if you were a witness to this thing they would probably pressure you to come forward.You say you think he may love you, and he may do, but he obviously has serious issues- one way of getting rid of him for now and buying yourself time to think may be to go somewhere he dosen't know about- a freind's place or a shelter and ring him on a private number, saying you haven't left him yet but he frightens you and you need to think about it- if he thinks you might come back to him he's hardly going to cause trouble with your family-are you sure he'd atually do it? If he is frightened of losing you he might be making empty threats.Also, although you shouldn't have to, you could try meeting all his demands for a while and see if he still accuses and knags you-if he's still not satisfied then i'd leave him- but whatever you do keep somewhere you could go to that he dosent know about and keep 999 on speed dial in your phone- also, this probably won't work and he may get nasty but you could try acting as if everything is fine for a while and then say something to the effect of do you trust me, if you do then why do you need those photos- sorry, probably a useless answer but I'm just trying to help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2009): Are you sure your family would be as furious as you think? What if you explain that you felt you had no choice in a lot of cases, and he beat you? They would still disown and kill you?
I'm not familiar with the intimate details of muslim family life and domestic behavior, but in my family, my parents always had my back over any other outside influence. If your family does not do this, well then your bf is NOT your only problem. Are you sure you are not exaggerating? They might be mad at you, disappointed..furious even. But kill you? You do not have brothers that can rearrange this bf's face? Cousins? Something?
I think you should tell your family. I don't think they would really kill you.. I don't suggest the police thing because of several factors. You have to make sure that the charges would stick, if he somehow escapes the charge he will come for you.. and you would have to make sure he is put away for a long long time..because when he gets out, he sounds like the type that will come for you.
I suggest one of three things.
1. Tell your family if they (be honest!) really wouldn't kill you and would just be very upset, as I suspect.
2. Try to meet different guys, tell them your story, and eventually you will find one that is man enough to stand up to your bf..
3. Or just wash your hands of all of it, family, bf, and all, if they are ALL willing to kill you and you are not just being melodramatic, you have to get out of there. Pronto.
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A
male
reader, ArmyMedic +, writes (17 April 2009):
 This man needs to be locked up, there is no excuse for domestic violence.
Here are some websites that may help, but above all report this man to the police before he does actually kill you!
http://www.homeoffice.gov.uk/crime-victims/reducing-crime/domestic-violence/
http://www.refuge.org.uk/
http://www.womensaid.org.uk/default.asp
http://www.crimestoppers-uk.org/
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A
female
reader, lola16182  +, writes (17 April 2009):
Wow you poor thing!
You say your family would disown you if they found out you were with him? That's pretty bad.
If you feel the need that you want to turn him into the police, think carefully. EX. are you the only one that knows about what he did? If so he will definitely know it was you and it may not be the best approach.
About the only thing I can suggest for your own safety is see if you can get a restraining order. I'm not sure how the rules are in the UK but you are 19 and you are an adult so you should be able to get one against him without your parents knowing.
But to be bluntly honest...think about which would be worse: your family being upset with you, or the potential for your maniac boyfriend to end up seriously injuring or even killing you? I know both options REALLY SUCK, but at this point you need to think of yourself and what is best for YOU. You're an adult and I don't know much more info about you but you do have the capabilities to make it on your own at that age--it's not ideal but it can be done.
Good luck sweetie, and please get out before he hurts you again...don't buy into his sympathy ploys of "I'm sorry, I love you, I'll never do it again".
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